Canon Rape
by Bittersweet Romanticide
Summary: In the fandom of Pokemon, some characters are badly portrayed, laws of the realm are clearly denied, and inconsistencies run rampant through poorly written stories. Don't worry, fair readers, I'm here to help. Innuendos and very coarse language.
1. Pool

**Chapter 1: Pool**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon.**

Well, I've decided (after some discussions with Yoshi's Kun) that there's a few common things in pokémon fanfiction that needs some…correcting. Everyone does the Mary Sues, but nobody does the canon. There's far more terrible canon than anything else, so I'm here to help!

Remember that this _is _subjective, so this is only my opinion. Nothing in here is absolute. It's a guide, not a law.

* * *

Pool

Misty first noticed the horrible thing in the shower of all places. She had been scrubbing at her hair, her short, orange hair, when suddenly she realized something. Her eyes were burning. Not from soap, because none had fallen in it, but had been stinging for a very, very long time. Ever since she got out of the pool, in fact. So, she rinsed the shampoo out, threw on a bathrobe and raced down the hall to Daisy's room, bursting in with heavy breaths.

"Days? Daisy?" she panted, clutching to the doorframe as she watched the blonde look up idly from her magazine. "You haven't, uh, by any chance gone down to the pool today, have ya?"

She looked slowly up to the ceiling, trying to think, but at the moment her mind was heavily fogged with thirty tips and tricks for giving her hair volume and bounce. It was also filled with thirty tips from a certain magazine that rhyme with mosmopolitan and started with c. She wondered if Tracey would like some of those tips, if she could ever manage to trick him into getting his pants off. She was quite good at guilting people into things. Perhaps she could convince him to change in the bathroom and mug him when he took off his pants, throw him against the wall with her hair bouncing with all thirty tips and use thirty tips to make him bounce and become filled with volume.

She wrinkled her face. "Wait, does that even make sense?"

"Daisy! Focus!" Misty said, snapping her fingers in the girl's direction. Eventually, the blonde looked over and Misty rolled her eyes in frustration. "Have you, Daisy, been in the pool today? And, if you did, did your eyes start stinging afterwards. I mean, do you think the balance is off? I've made sure the filter is clean, checked everything, I'm always hauling in Nurse Joy and her water testing kits after battles to make sure nothing deadly got in the water. We just rotated the sand. What could it be? I've done everything you're supposed to!"

Daisy tapped her chin slowly, then her eyes widened. "Ohmimew, I know what it is! See, today was going to be my week to be on guard, but I dumped it on Violet for the morning because Tracey and I had been out on a date and stayed out late and I was going to oversleep. But Violet ditched because her alarm clock didn't go off so no one was on guard this morning when those little idiots were running through the street, and you know what that means!"

"…No," Misty said slowly, baffled at her sister's antics.

"Ugh! You've been out of here for way too long! The fanfiction writers! They probably came in and they…they…" Daisy shook her head and took her little sister's hand, leading her down the hall, down the stairs, and to the pool.

Misty waited, making sure her bathrobe was all wrapped up. The last thing she needed was a challenger coming in and seeing Daisy in her bra and underwear and her in some ratty old bathrobe that had a hole just above her butt. But, in no time, the blonde had filled up a test tube, and yanked the younger girl out. They each waited a moment, then Daisy held the tube under her nose, waiting for her to smell it before pulling away.

"Alright, Misty, I know you've smelled this before. Where?"

"Well, it's not our normal pool smell, but it's definitely water. I…I can't remember, it's very faint. It's been the longest time. It's not pleasant. It's pretty nasty. It…maybe it's…" She ran a hand through her wet hair. "Jees, Daisy, am I really supposed to know this off the top of my head? It's familiar. It isn't right though, the water shouldn't smell like that."

"Beware of the fanfiction writer's that don't think these things through. They've got a witching hour, early in the morning is when they run around and dump the stuff in. Thankfully, the filter takes care of it and due to the warp of two universes colliding, the pokémon don't die. We've got pokémon in our pool. So, we've got out pool which is filled with what?"

Misty raised one eyebrow. "Water?"

She rolled her eyes and smacked her head. "What _kind _of water?"

"Salt water?"

"And how is that different from the regular pools that people swim in?" The older girl urged on, having dealt with this too many times before and knowing exactly what was in the tainted, horrible water.

Misty shrugged. "Because the water in public pools is chlorinated and holy _crap,_" her eyes shot open wide and horrified, grabbing the elder's shoulders and shaking her roughly._ "_Who's stupid enough to do that with living creatures in the pool?!"

"Newbie fanfiction writers," Daisy said, holding the horrified girl close. "And it's all downhill from here."

* * *

Moral of the story: Don't put chlorine in a pool full of life.


	2. It

**Idea from: BlazingBluex7

* * *

**

It

It wasn't every day that you could watch Ash running around, chasing a little yellow rat around the hotel room while Dawn and Brock watched with a cool, calm disinterest, casually flipping cards over as they played the card game _War _(because, really, it's the only card game you can play for hours and never get bored). Ash had been doing this (with breaks not included) for about two and a half hours. It had all started innocently enough, but had developed into something crazy and, Brock and Dawn being sensible folk, had settled down about thirty minutes in to begin their card game.

"There's two fives again," Brock sighed, wishing the card game would end already.

"Go fish," Dawn muttered absently.

"Will do." And he did go fish, through her card pile, easily shuffling through while she lost focus with untamable boredom and stared at the ceiling, dreaming that it would all soon end. It wasn't long before she was out of aces and kings and he snapped her back into focus with an attempt at not sounding smug (but failing), "Come on, let's finish the game. Ash isn't going to finish any time soon, but we might be."

Dawn groaned. "Ash, I'm _sorry _I asked. I don't really care. Why don't you just ask Joy next time we get in a center?"

"Because!"

"Because _why_?" she argued.

"Well…because!" he spluttered, once again pouncing on his pokémon who scooted away.

The little thing leapt up onto the bed, and proceeded to charge whenever Ash dared to approach, and wouldn't stop until he had backed up to a respectable distance. Ash plopped on the floor and crossed his arms, locked in a deadly stalemate with his pokémon. How long had he owned it and never bothered to check? By now he should know, especially since he was getting to the age where the daycare centers could be quite lucrative if he dared to try.

"Gees, Ash, it shouldn't be that hard to tell. There should be some kind of-"

"Not in Kanto," Brock sighed. "Not in the 'pure' Kanto. Pokémon have been released from other regions recently, but our stuck up pokémon almost always refuse to breed and chase them off. So, those pokémon start their own little tribes and we just have to sit back and let them do it. They aren't nearly as strong, but it makes for great conversation when you manage to catch a purebred. They're pretty difficult to befriend, but once they do they're very loyal."

"_Someone's _not being to loyal now," Ash shot up.

(_Golly gee, I don't want my trainer violating me in so many ways it's not funny and refuse to let him lift my tail just so he could find out what he could have found out by calling the Professor or setting me up with some hunk. I'm a _girl_, dammit. Purebred Kanto beast, no dent in tail. We're pure, strong, and we don't breed with your weaklings! We bury ourselves in the ground to get stronger and we spit on humans! You're lucky I took a liking to you, and you're not a Pikachu, but you're my horde now._)

"Ash, what'd she say?" Dawn asked eagerly.

Ash's face contorted with stupidity only he himself could muster. Finally, he took a deep breath in and out and quite honestly declared. "I dunno, but I'm pretty sure I can't look under its tail to figure out if it's a girl or boy, so there's only one way to settle this."

He stood up straight, looked the rat dead in the eye and bravely stated, "Hey there, fella."

The electricity was coursing through him in no time, and soon he landed flat on his face, moaning and twitching. He was exhausted, poor simpleton, form running and trying to see under his pokémon's tail. He fell asleep there on the floor, snoring loudly and dreaming about a world where genders didn't matter, or were engraved on forehead's so he could tell them apart and not get horribly, horribly injured.

"…So Pikachu's a girl, even if there's not a dent in her tail?"

"Kanto bred, no difference between them, like I said. At least now the mystery is put to rest."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Pokémon, except for certain "special" pokémon, have genders. Use them. And, if you don't use the commonly accepted gender, have a good excuse.

No, Pikachu being female is obviously not canon, but I really don't care. I explained it, see? You can rape canon if you can explain it. It's sort of like having a good lawyer in a crime you obviously did, no names mentioned. Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Lost

**Idea from: Super Reader

* * *

**

Lost

Max was not stupid. Thankfully, no one ever writes him that way. He may be misinformed, on occasion, but stupidity is the lack of the ability to learn, not the lack of knowledge. Lack of knowledge is ignorance, and, yes, we all know that each and every character on Pokémon is ignorant. There is only one stupid character. His name is Ash. This will be mentioned a lot, as people tend to forget how truly stupid this wonderful, brave, charming little half wit is. We cannot forget this, no matter how much we love him.

Since Max was a tad bit ignorant, he had accidentally wandered off earlier that day…and had accidentally taken some of May's pokémon when he had accidentally wandered off. And, about an hour later, he managed to accidentally lose himself and lose his way back to the camp site, where, after a nice long discussion between everyone in the group, May leapt up and ran at her little brother, arms flailing as she began to scream.

"WHERE WERE YOU?" she screamed in all caps, as if she was J.K. Rowling or British and therefore allowed to use such strange (but very entertaining and technically correct) grammar.

Max was blown away, both his Japanese and American counterparts stunned by the strange use of capitals which isn't American or really sensible in literature at all, unless one is British. But, he straightened, and with all his tiny, little boy might he shouted (in all caps, of course, because one simply _must _retort in all caps), "I WAS LOST!"

And so the fight continued, stating the obvious in all caps ("I WAS WORRIED," shouted the brunette and the black haired child replied, "SO WAS I") and continuing a rather strange kind of argument. The others watched, Ash's mouth, partly due to the shock, partly due to the fact that the author had neglected that it had ever closed, was hanging open the entire argument, the entire five minutes, and apparently even Brock found it fit to stare with shock and not interrupt. And Misty, well, thanks to the author of this story's purpose, she crossed her arms and pouted.

"I'M GOING TO GROUND YOU!"

"I'LL RUN AWAY AND GO BACK HOME AND GET A POKÉMON AND DO WHATEVER I WANT AND HAVE SOME KIND OF REBELLIOUS ATTITIUDE THAT AT MY AGE I PROBABLY CAN'T CARRY IT OUT ANYWAY MUCH LESS BE ABLE TO GET ALL THE WAY BACK TO MY HOMETOWN AND SOMEHOW I'LL CONVINCE MOM AND DAD THAT YOU'RE A WITCH AND THEY'LL HATE YOU AND LOVE ME AND I'LL BE HAPPY FOREVER AND EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SECRETLY CUT YOURSELF!" Max did not take a breath, use periods, commas, and a lovely run on sentence.

"THEN I WILL HIT YOU YOU LITTLE MONSTER!"

Finally, Misty jumped up and shouted. "My sisters and I do not sound like that and we don't hit!" Then under her breath, "often."

The brother and sister stepped close together and faced the redhead, identical smirks on their faces and said with a loving sibling symmetry, "Yes you do."

* * *

Moral of the Story: May and Max are close brother and sister. They don't hate each other, and May would get worried if Max vanish, not get excited about being along with Drew.  
Also, May is not Max's legal guardian. I doubt she has the authority to "punish" her little brother, and, really, where is Max gonna go? If he's not TEN and not old enough for a pokémon, I think he's smart enough to figure out five minutes into his storm off he'll get eaten by something.

I generally notice that these (and situations like these with different characters) are trying to get you to pity one. For instance, Ash makes Misty cry or Ash makes May cry or Gary is a jerk and Ash sobs and Gary goes to him and comforts him and then they're making out against an ironic oak tree and…

-clears throat- Anywho, that's that.


	4. Romantic

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun

* * *

**

Romantic

_In the summer breeze I wait,  
Devoid of any kind of hate,  
For my love of only you alone,  
has driven me to atone_

_Atone I must! For all my sin!  
This love should begin,  
Not now, in fact, but years ago,  
that was when my love should show._

_How horrible I've been years gone,  
Thinking I was number one,  
And putting pokémon before you,  
My love, my ever true._

_I minded training all too much,  
I thought of mindless battles and such!  
Oh, silly me, I saved the world.  
So it makes me feel the need to hurl_

_When I ignore you for anything,  
Your beauty makes me want to sing,  
Damn me for any fantasy,  
That there could be life when it's not you and me._

_-Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town_

The black haired man, twenty six, currently had his head against the kitchen moaning. For, last night had been the night he was legal for many things. He was officially an adult. It was legal for him to have sex and do drugs and, though alcohol was always legal, he would look cool when he could flash his ID and take out more beer than would ever be necessary for anything but, of course, a twenty six year old Kanto person's birthday party.

"So," Misty said slowly. "You wrote this while _drunk_?"

"Yup," he moaned. "And not so loud. I have a killer hangover."

"Do you remember who you were writing to?"

"Why? Hope it was you?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Ew. This sounds creepy, actually. That last line there? You can't live without me? That's clingy. I don't like clingy people, especially in boyfriends. Plus, your ass is pretty flat."

"What?" His head shot up, he moaned at the throb in his head, then it dropped and slammed the table, making him moan and yank his head up until he was in so much pain and so disoriented that he passed out on the floor.

When he woke up, moaning still, she calmly inquired, "So, who were you writing this about?"

"I guess it'd be less creepy if it was a girl but…it was…beer."

She paused and reread the poem, then nodded to herself. "No, it's a lot less creepy if it's about beer. I respect that. I definitely put beer first in my life."

He nodded from his fetal position on the floor. "And it destroys friendships and hopes for a future, just like a relationship! Except this generally makes you happy at night, whereas a woman really doesn't, because after the first few months she gets mad about the bike again and refuses to nail you. By the way, are you so impressed by my poetry you want to bang me? I look pretty naked. I'm beautiful."

"Ah, let's see. I think…the only one open and willing is going to be Dawn. Paul just dumped her so she's probably be on the rebound. She'll bang you."

"Yay," Ash cheered quietly. Then he whispered, "my mind is crying, but my hormones are happy."

The redhead quietly took her lips away from the bottle of beer, and eyed the boy on the floor quietly, wondering whether or not she should nail him…a good kick right between his legs because she was so furious at herself for becoming the informative in the group of who was willing for a good booty call. But, she decided against it, sighed, and muttered, "You know, you don't have a romantic bone in your body. Your entire life, you go off nothing but instincts. No brains, barely ever feelings, you're not the least bit romantic."

"'Cept when I'm drunk."

She nodded and agreed, "'Cept when you're drunk.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Ash isn't romantic ('cept when he's drunk). He's not ever going to be. He'll never say the right thing at the right time. He likes action, he's probably a kinetic type of guy, so, really, he's probably going to be more interested in the physical part of relationships than anything else. However, if you're going to make a joke out of it, or if you need romantic Ash, give him alcohol. Anything can happen when you're in the Drunk Zone. Anything, and pshaw to anyone who disagrees!


	5. My First Fic

**Idea from: Rayshia**

Note: My first fic…was a songfic…it's long since been deleted and was destroyed when my old computer died. Thank goodness. I had to do this one immediately because…I knew it would hurt, and I didn't have any homework tonight so I had to find other ways to torture myself.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Miley's song, nor do I own Gatorade. **

**And, below, this is a not a joke about people who can't use pagebreaks. It signifies my undying, completely irrational hatred of LOL...and now, half my reviewers will leave that in their review. -hangs head-**

**(PAGE BREAK) (LOLOLOLOLOLOL how do u work pagebreaks?)**

My First Fic

_Sha, sha, sha_

_I probably shouldn´t say this,  
but at times I get so scared  
when I think about the previous  
relationship we shared. _

Misty was on her way to visit, oh, I don't know. Let me pick a random character…Ritchie! Yes, Ritchie. The Ash clone with the stupid nicknames for his pokémon. Does anyone remember Ritchie? I do. He was so hilarious to me. Misty was called by Team Rocket, insulted, and almost kicked his ass across the field when she finally met up with him. That was pretty hilarious too. Anywho, she had found a way to stalk the poor chocolate haired boy and was now going to surprise him…

Because when a fifteen year old boy is all alone in the middle of nowhere and hasn't ever had a girlfriend (and we all know he never had nor probably ever will, poor dork), we all know that what you want to do is surprise them. I'm sure they won't be doing anything, lonely as they would have to be.

Well, to restate the lyrics, Misty was nervous to visit Ritchie, considering last time she had seen him, she'd tried to beat the crap out of him. Who wouldn't be nervous?

_It was awesome, but we lost it  
it's not possible for me not to care.  
And now we're standing in the rain  
but nothing's ever gonna change  
until you hear, my dear. _

Their relationship was awesome. She loved beating people. Yet, now, she suddenly loved him. Why? Well, wynaut! Ha! Alright, so it's been done. Your point?

Oh, the weird thing I'm doing? Yeah, the authors generally don't do anything but restate the lyrics, so I'm trying to make this a little interesting. Aside from that, most authors of these put in authors notes and rant about weird stuff, so, in following the trend: Did you know that while most species of bird breed for life, hardly any mammals do? I wonder if they put people in the for life category in the percentage. I mean, can you say for sure? Lots of people don't they sleep around and such so…I wonder what we used to do. Was monogamy an invention on our part or polygamy?

Oh! Oh, right, sorry. It started raining.

"No!" misty (with a lower case m) said. "It's raining!"

The ground was muddy.

"My shoes!" misty (with a lower case m) said. "Their muddy!"

Your shoes own something? Do tell.

"I have to tell Ritchie I love him so we can get back together!!!!1"

_The 7 things I hate about you,  
The 7 things I hate about you,  
ohhh, you _

"Ooh, but I hate him."

And, apparently, there's this strange thing called base thirteen math with nine times six actually equals forty two, but Douglas Adams was like "who writes jokes in base thirteen?" because he wasn't really trying to make that joke, he was just kidding around. In case you're stuck on a math test, write down forty two. There's some advanced, weird math that says that's always the answer. Wikipedia it. It's pretty accurate.

_You're vain, your games, you're insecure,  
you love me, you like her, _

"Ritchie looks at himself more than he looks at me!" misty (with a lower case m) said.

It's not surprising. I mean, they haven't exactly bumped into each other in a while. They would make a cute couple though, but I'll pair up anyone. I mean anyone. Really. Try to freak me out. Betchya can't. Unless it's rape. That's not cool. I don't approve of rape, not even metaphorically so such as "canon rape". That's why I wrote this. Because I hate rape, and I'm trying to save the canon from being a victim.

"He's always being weird, but I think it's because he's scared to show who he really is…like me………………."

"But he's totally in love with Giselle! i h8 her!!!"

It's actually a really common couple. Don't know why. So's Ritchie and Duplica. Saw one where Duplica was Ash's brother. It was a cool fic, weird, but violent. I love violence.

you made me laugh, you made me cry,  
I don't know which side to buy

Misty laughed at the weird couple the two would make together, then burst out crying. "WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME?"

Look, caps lock is back. At the moment, I'd like to apologize. J.K. Rowling rocks, and I don't mind all caps. She didn't use them too often, and it's sort of like the whole upside down exclamation point that lets you know excitement is a'comin'. My friend got the British version of the books, but I can't read those because 'this' annoys me, and I need to see "this". I can't tell you why, it just does.

Misty crying will be brought up later. We'll get to the angst.

_Your friends, they're jerks  
when you act like them, just know it hurts; _

"I hate it when guys act fake!" misty (with a lower case m) said. "Ritchie acts like them, even tho he's really nice and then he's such a JERK!"

I hate when people never use any other word than said. Someone needs to make a list of speech verbs. I bet I could find one on the web. Ooh, someone did, apparently. Google that as well. Am I allowed to write Google without putting that in the disclaimer? Could Google sue me? That would suck.

_I wanna be with the one I know.  
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do  
you make me love you _

Misty sighed in a sad way. "But I still love him, because he's really nice some time. Plus, we were really close. I know him better than anyone else."

Don't listen to this song, by the way. You should to "get the fic" but it'll get stuck in your head.

_It´s awkward and silent,  
as I wait for you to say _

Misty found Ritchie.

He was not doing inappropriate things normal teen boys did while alone. That would have been funny as hell though, huh?

Ritchie looked at Misty. She looked back and they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes and it was magical.

But then it got awkward, because neither of them knew what to say about their love.

_What I need to hear now:  
your sincere apology.  
When you mean it I'll believe it;  
if you text I'll delete it,  
let's be clear.  
ohhh, I'm not coming back  
you're taking seven steps here  
_  
Misty needed to say she was sorry to Ritchie for trying to hurt him.

No, no, she wasn't "trying". Misty doesn't "try", see, she does. Just like everyone says the animal "tried" to kill Idiot A. No, the animal did not. If a big predator was "trying" to kill Idiot A, Idiot A would die. Plus, both the animal and Misty must enjoy beating Idiot A. Haven't you ever watched the news and want to beat Idiot A?

"I route you a note." misty (with a lower case m) said.

"I want to here you say it1" Ritchie said.

Really, why do you screw with wild life, Idiot A? Do you really think you can take a polar bear? _Really_? You can't. It can break your spine with a mighty paw of wonder.

_The seven things I hate about you _

"I can't!" misty (with a lower case m) said. She ran away.

Then she sat down. She didn't know Ritchie was there, and she started to sing. Her voice was so beautiful. It was amazing. He knew he loved her.

"_You're vain, your games, you're insecure,  
you love me, you like her,  
you made me laugh, you made me cry,  
I don't know which side to buy,  
Your friends, they're jerks,  
when you act like them, just know it hurts.  
I wanna be with the one I know.  
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do  
you make me love you._

_And compared to all the great things  
that would take too long to write  
I probably should mention  
the seven that I like."_

Misty sang.

Thank goodness! We're almost done! I'm actually struggling with this. It's really boring to write, and I'm probably boring you but I'm trying to spice it up a bit. Really. Do my comments entertain you? Well, how about this:

There's a frog that meows like a kitten. Apparently, it gets stuck in people's walls and they freak out, because they think there's a cat. Then they pull it out, and, well, screw it, it's a frog. Which isn't very nice. But, anywho, yes. The frog meows like a kitten.

Now you've learned something! It wasn't all for nothing!_  
_  
_"The seven things I like about you  
your hair, your eyes, your old Levis  
when we kiss I'm hypnotized.  
You make me laugh,you make me cry  
but I guess that both I'll have to buy.  
Your hands in mine, when we're intertwined  
everything's all right  
I wanna be with the one I know  
and the seventh thing I like the most that you do  
you make me love you  
_  
_Sha, Sha with you do ooh  
ooooh oooooooh ooooh ohhh__**"**_

Misty finished singing.

"You're voice is really pretty." Ritchie said.

"Thanks." she said. "I wrote it for you because I meant it."

"But we haven't kissed!" Ritchie said.

Misty blushed. "Well…we could."

Then they shared a kiss. And it was megawesome. And they felt totally charged, like electricity was running through them, or perhaps electrolytes because they had been drinking Gatorade earlier. The purple kind to symbolize their love.

And then they had babies, and this is the story of their child, Ritchie Junior, who looked just like his dad and a little like his mom.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Long lost friends, that were travelling and in completely different cities, will not magically find each other and start making out, nor start making out in the middle of an argument. If they do, you have to have a good reason (i.e. during said argument they accidentally blurt a confession, so much sexual tension builds up one tackles the other, and a moment later, feeling another human body, they relieve such tension that has begun too much to bear.

Grammar/Writing Rule: Number one, if you must write a songfic, gor goodness sakes, look up the lyrics! Number two, don't write a songfic, even if you do look up the lyrics. Number three, use songs from musicals if you must, because THEN it's got dialogue and it works. Number four, never, ever, ever, ever advertize that this is your first fic. Ever. It really turns people off.

All spelling and punctuation errors are on purpose.


	6. Obsession

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun, she also gave me the idea for the song parody! So, this is from the single line "Pika, Pikachu, where are you?" in your review! :)**

Donde Estas, Pikachu? (Parody of Scooby Doo theme song)

Pika, Pikachu, where are you?  
The story's almost finished!  
Is it only me, or does it seem  
The rat's roll has diminished?

Pika, Pikachu, I'm so blue,  
And not just about your gender.  
I know not only me, could be seeing,  
Their personalities in the blender.

I know it's hard to show, but you simply gotta know  
That he's/she's there!  
Don't you care?  
I mean, the thing is really cute and yet you're giving him/her the boot!  
Stick to the facts!  
Bring him/her back!

Despite all the ships, one thing clicks,  
Our little buddy's missing.  
And while he's/she's being killed, the readers are thrilled  
Because their couple's kissing.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Pikachu exists. Really. If Pikachu is missing, give a good excuse or at the very least mention it, but Ash is never without his little buddy. If I see the word "Ash" the word "Pikachu" or "mouse" or "rat" must also appear in said story.


	7. Donde Estas, Pikachu?

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun, she also gave me the idea for the song parody! So, this is from the single line "Pika, Pikachu, where are you?" in your review! :)**

Donde Estas, Pikachu? (Parody of Scooby Doo theme song)

Pika, Pikachu, where are you?  
The story's almost finished!  
Is it only me, or does it seem  
The rat's roll has diminished?

Pika, Pikachu, I'm so blue,  
And not just about your gender.  
I know not only me, could be seeing,  
Their personalities in the blender.

I know it's hard to show, but you simply gotta know  
That he's/she's there!  
Don't you care?  
I mean, the thing is really cute and yet you're giving him/her the boot!  
Stick to the facts!  
Bring him/her back!

Despite all the ships, one thing clicks,  
Our little buddy's missing.  
And while he's/she's being killed, the readers are thrilled  
Because their couple's kissing.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Pikachu exists. Really. If Pikachu is missing, give a good excuse or at the very least mention it, but Ash is never without his little buddy. If I see the word "Ash" the word "Pikachu" or "mouse" or "rat" must also appear in said story.


	8. Drowning

**Idea from: Ketchum Kid**

Note: Several very short ones in one chapter. Woo!

**

* * *

**

Rocket Roundup

There they were, making out in the woods, Pikachu off to who knows were. Misty couldn't help but think that, despite his mental and emotional handicaps, Ash was a very good kisser. Normally, she wouldn't let just anyone stick their tongue down her throat, but he wasn't too bad at it and she didn't even mind that it was a public place. She was a little dizzy from kissing a little too long, and her lips sort of hurt, but she still didn't care. She was pretty happy.

But, something did bug her, and she pulled away, licking her chapped lips. "Uh, Ash, it's been, like, three weeks since we've last seen Team Rocket."

"They're renting Pikachu while I let out my hormones," Ash said. "Listen, can we just make out and eventually get to some kind of sexual point?"

She bit her lips slowly, first the bottom, then the top. Finally, she shrugged and tackled him into the grass as they began their making out (hopefully reaching some sort of peak involving sex), and nobody really gave a damn what the hell Team Rocket was doing.

MiniMoral: Alright, we'll give the benefit of the doubt that the show doesn't cover every single day, that Team Rocket probably doesn't show up every day, but I think I'm gonna have to draw the line at ten days, tops. No more than that. And, at the end of those ten days, they show up with a really big robot. Or the perfect cheesecake recipe. That, or explain that Team Rocket no long stalks Ash because…I don't know, Ash paid Sabrina to screw with their heads, they're on vacation. Be creative!

**

* * *

**

Ash and co., company being Misty and Brock, just sort of stared with their head cocked to the side. There wasn't really an explanation to this. Team Rocket was strutting around, flexing their muscles, ripping trees out from the ground and bench pressing each other. Their pokémon came out, not their original pokémon, but bulked up highly evolved creatures. On a typical day, this might have been frightening, but they weren't sure of what to say because, well, they weren't attacking.

Then, out of nowhere, the conveniently placed pay phone began to ring. James, nervously, picked it up.

"Hello?"

There was screaming at the other end of the line, the trio only hearing the garbled, angry sounds from where they stood. The Rockets somehow heard it, and they looked more and more guilty as the rant continued, scuffling their feet in the dirt until there was a loud click, and the shy James slowly put down the phone.

Misty grinned. "You got busted for taking pokémon from the team?"

They nodded.

Brock threw in, "And the muscles are from some experimental drugs you're not supposed to have?"

The nodded again.

"Even I know you're not supposed to scam scammers, especially if you're the baby scammers of the big scamming company and the big scammer can scam you little scammers right out of your scam!" Ash chipped in. All eyes glared at him, pokémon and human alike, and he hung his head. "I have to go in time out again, don't I?"

MiniMoral: Team Rocket is not strong, does not have strong pokémon, and are not particularly intelligent. They had the lowest scores in all of the Poketech school. Sorry, everyone, they're lovable and wonderful, but they are EPIC FAIL.

**

* * *

**

"No!" Misty stomped her foot and pouted. "Brock! Ash and I are both against this! They're so annoying and they keep calling me twerpette and mean names and she's an old bat!"

"I am not!" Jessie argued. "I'm young and sexier than you'll ever be, scrawny twerpette."

"She did it _again!"_

"Sorry," Jessie threw up her hands, "Misty."

"And James keeps looking at me funny," Ash murmured, sliding his eyes to the blue haired boy. "It's giving me shivers."

The man grinned seductively. "Is it, Ash? I can really give you shivers if you give me the chance."

At this, both their eyes widened and they turned to their older, chuckling friend and screamed, "_Brock!_"

MiniMoral: James is gay. Ha! No, that's not really the moral, and please don't kill me for expressing my opinion/joking. Team Rocket, though they have joined once or twice, will not join over small things. They won't join to fight against other organizations either. The only time they help is when they're all in immediate danger, and if they didn't work together they'd all die. Even then, their main concern was themselves. The only obvious suggestion to that was the second movie, and, well, if the world goes they're kinda screwed too. Plus, there was a lot of forth wall breaking in that one. Eh, it was a filler season.

**

* * *

**

Ketchum Kid asks: This is a serious problem for many writers, including great writers like Pete the Rock, Dryuu, and many others. Please tell me, why do people portray them that way?

Well, Ketchum Kid, I don't really know. My best guest would be is they don't take the time to really observe the characters. Just because you can write well, doesn't mean you're good at characterization. I've seen Mary Sue/Gary Stu writer's that are phenomenal, better than anything I've seen on the site but the plot, the characters? It's terrible. So, though I don't think I've read Dryuu or Pete the Rock, and I'm sure their content is very good, from what you're saying I would have to guess that they just don't do the research, and will occasionally sacrifice characterization to do whatever they feel like in the story.  
The problem with that is that this is fanfiction, they aren't our characters. We have to respect that and do our best to keep them in that context.


	9. Rocket Roundup

**Idea from: Ketchum Kid**

Note: Several very short ones in one chapter. Woo!

**

* * *

**

Rocket Roundup

There they were, making out in the woods, Pikachu off to who knows were. Misty couldn't help but think that, despite his mental and emotional handicaps, Ash was a very good kisser. Normally, she wouldn't let just anyone stick their tongue down her throat, but he wasn't too bad at it and she didn't even mind that it was a public place. She was a little dizzy from kissing a little too long, and her lips sort of hurt, but she still didn't care. She was pretty happy.

But, something did bug her, and she pulled away, licking her chapped lips. "Uh, Ash, it's been, like, three weeks since we've last seen Team Rocket."

"They're renting Pikachu while I let out my hormones," Ash said. "Listen, can we just make out and eventually get to some kind of sexual point?"

She bit her lips slowly, first the bottom, then the top. Finally, she shrugged and tackled him into the grass as they began their making out (hopefully reaching some sort of peak involving sex), and nobody really gave a damn what the hell Team Rocket was doing.

MiniMoral: Alright, we'll give the benefit of the doubt that the show doesn't cover every single day, that Team Rocket probably doesn't show up every day, but I think I'm gonna have to draw the line at ten days, tops. No more than that. And, at the end of those ten days, they show up with a really big robot. Or the perfect cheesecake recipe. That, or explain that Team Rocket no long stalks Ash because…I don't know, Ash paid Sabrina to screw with their heads, they're on vacation. Be creative!

**

* * *

**

Ash and co., company being Misty and Brock, just sort of stared with their head cocked to the side. There wasn't really an explanation to this. Team Rocket was strutting around, flexing their muscles, ripping trees out from the ground and bench pressing each other. Their pokémon came out, not their original pokémon, but bulked up highly evolved creatures. On a typical day, this might have been frightening, but they weren't sure of what to say because, well, they weren't attacking.

Then, out of nowhere, the conveniently placed pay phone began to ring. James, nervously, picked it up.

"Hello?"

There was screaming at the other end of the line, the trio only hearing the garbled, angry sounds from where they stood. The Rockets somehow heard it, and they looked more and more guilty as the rant continued, scuffling their feet in the dirt until there was a loud click, and the shy James slowly put down the phone.

Misty grinned. "You got busted for taking pokémon from the team?"

They nodded.

Brock threw in, "And the muscles are from some experimental drugs you're not supposed to have?"

The nodded again.

"Even I know you're not supposed to scam scammers, especially if you're the baby scammers of the big scamming company and the big scammer can scam you little scammers right out of your scam!" Ash chipped in. All eyes glared at him, pokémon and human alike, and he hung his head. "I have to go in time out again, don't I?"

MiniMoral: Team Rocket is not strong, does not have strong pokémon, and are not particularly intelligent. They had the lowest scores in all of the Poketech school. Sorry, everyone, they're lovable and wonderful, but they are EPIC FAIL.

**

* * *

**

"No!" Misty stomped her foot and pouted. "Brock! Ash and I are both against this! They're so annoying and they keep calling me twerpette and mean names and she's an old bat!"

"I am not!" Jessie argued. "I'm young and sexier than you'll ever be, scrawny twerpette."

"She did it _again!"_

"Sorry," Jessie threw up her hands, "Misty."

"And James keeps looking at me funny," Ash murmured, sliding his eyes to the blue haired boy. "It's giving me shivers."

The man grinned seductively. "Is it, Ash? I can really give you shivers if you give me the chance."

At this, both their eyes widened and they turned to their older, chuckling friend and screamed, "_Brock!_"

MiniMoral: James is gay. Ha! No, that's not really the moral, and please don't kill me for expressing my opinion/joking. Team Rocket, though they have joined once or twice, will not join over small things. They won't join to fight against other organizations either. The only time they help is when they're all in immediate danger, and if they didn't work together they'd all die. Even then, their main concern was themselves. The only obvious suggestion to that was the second movie, and, well, if the world goes they're kinda screwed too. Plus, there was a lot of forth wall breaking in that one. Eh, it was a filler season.

**

* * *

**

Ketchum Kid asks: This is a serious problem for many writers, including great writers like Pete the Rock, Dryuu, and many others. Please tell me, why do people portray them that way?

Well, Ketchum Kid, I don't really know. My best guest would be is they don't take the time to really observe the characters. Just because you can write well, doesn't mean you're good at characterization. I've seen Mary Sue/Gary Stu writer's that are phenomenal, better than anything I've seen on the site but the plot, the characters? It's terrible. So, though I don't think I've read Dryuu or Pete the Rock, and I'm sure their content is very good, from what you're saying I would have to guess that they just don't do the research, and will occasionally sacrifice characterization to do whatever they feel like in the story.  
The problem with that is that this is fanfiction, they aren't our characters. We have to respect that and do our best to keep them in that context.


	10. Disease

**Idea from: Winx-Soul-Reaper**

**

* * *

**

Disease

They looked a little sad about it, seeing the poor blue haired girl behind thick, Plexiglas windows. It was, perhaps, even sadder still that she did not realize her predicament instead merrily going about with her cheery, creepy pokémon marching behind her in a line. It was like a parade! A creepy, sick disgusting parade. A parade that marched right up to the window and crooned, "Konichiwa, Satoshi-kun. Let's go trick or treating."

And Ash, poor, susceptible Ash, couldn't hide the smile or the "Konichiwa, Hikari! That sounds great!" before his hands clapped over his mouth in horror and he dropped to the floor. He edged away from his friends to a corner, breathing ragged and eyes wild as he cried, "I'm sorry! I…I'll be stronger! You can't throw her out, right? I know she's one of the most contagious ones you've got, but I'm susceptible! I've got a weak system for it! She's a really sweet girl-"

"Mr. Ketchum," the girl said sharply. Her purple hair was sprouting dark brown roots and her eyes were somewhere in between brown and purple color, transitioning through the scale. "Our patients here are only judged by severity of condition. Your friend has one helluva case here. We can do our best to treat her, but not every case is curable. Horrible or not, with this outbreak getting worse and worse our first concern is the safety of our staff and the public. As good at catching this as you may be, that's still an unbelievably fast time to present the forewarning symptoms! And through glass, no less! She's practically muted!"

"And what do you do if you can't cure her?" Kenny whispered.

"Tie her to the stake and burn her or drown her, just like they used to in the witch hunt, though this is far more dangerous and real than any dark magic."

The girl took out a paper lantern and began to skip around the room with it, causing Misty to muffle a scream and cuddling into Mama Brock. He put a comforting arm around her, tugging her close and whispering, "Is there anything else you can do?"

"Well, if she weighs the same as a duck, no," the girl chuckled, and all eyes present glared her way. "Ooh, sorry, I haven't gotten the hang of breaking bad news yet. You _open _with a joke, not end."

"Yeah," Paul muttered, "it makes you seem like a-"

"Witch?" she giggled, and was met with more glares. "Damn, still too soon."

* * *

Moral of the Story: If you're going to use the terms, you have to use the culture. It's fine to use the Japanese, but you absolutely cannot mix American/British/Indian/whatever cultures together. Choose one and stick with it.


	11. High School

**Idea from: So many people have given me this one, I've lost count!**

Note: For those of you who don't know, "Natty" is my Self Insert, since so many authors do and I really don't want to make up a character any time I need one, she'll probably pop up a lot.

WARNING: Lyrics to "Baby Got Back" with a few explicit themes (heh, few) are contained. Beware.

**

* * *

**

High School

"Hello," May said. May was horrifically shy. May had just moved to Pallet Town, and her mother was making her go to Pallet Town high school, and it really sucked. Sure, it was the only high school around and if they hadn't moved they'd all live in the street and she couldn't keep her sparkly MP3 player, but it totally sucked and she wanted to go home…with her sparkly MP3 player. "I'm May. I've moved here from the Hoenn region. It's been getting hard for me-"

"That's what he said last night!" Misty cried triumphantly.

The teacher glared. The teacher had a really stupid name, something common, like Smith or Adams. The teacher doesn't really get described either, and let's flip a coin to see what gender, which you only find out when the author puts in he/she said. She said, "Misty, that isn't nice to say to our new student."

"...was funny," Misty murmured, drawing little shapes on her desk.

The teacher snapped and the girl groaned, marching up to the large chalkboard and beginning to write over and over again, "I will not make sex jokes in class (even if they are funny)." She muttered under her breath about how a boy wouldn't have gotten in trouble if he said it, and the students began to consider suicide as May began to ramble on and on and on and on and on about all her little trivial facts and horrible life. The students aren't usually described, just the important ones.

Drew had green hair and green eyes. And he was hot. Totally. And that's all you need to know. (A/N: Oh, goodness! I've used second person! And first person! My English teachers would be so ashamed. Also, I've broken the story and used parentheses! Surely I shall burn in writing hell.) Paul was totally awesome. They both wore emo clothes and listened to emo bands and were angry at society. They weren't so in the sexy way, which is getting angry and protesting and getting off their butts to do something about it. They just complain to their friends and offer no solutions.

May was intrigued (A/N: isn't that word smartical?) by Drew and his sexy green hair, which he flipped…now. Never mind that this is in the real world and one, no one has green hair and two, an emo person would die his hair black, duh. We'll avoid this. Anyone else notice that emo guys generally looks like females? Sorry, moving on.

May sat down next to some girls and they were really nice, unlike Misty. Dawn had pretty blue hair and Natty had purple ha…was her hair turning brown? Forget it. We'll pretend it was purple. A glorious purple. And they both greeted her with smiles, unlike Misty, who said mean (funny) sex jokes when May was new and she was just trying to be nice! Why was school so hard? Everything was so impossible! Life sucked!

"Hi, May!" Dawn chirped. "Ignore Misty, she's a total bitch."

"Do you want to smell my hair?" Natty suggested lightly. "I'm fascinated, because my hair smells amazing. I recently switched conditioners, and my hair smells like a fricken meadow after a rainstorm. My hair usually doesn't smell this nice, but it does today. Anyway, I'm going to need you to be loud and sit in front of me and distract that teacher so she doesn't notice that I'm doing my homework for next period."

"Shouldn't you have done that last night?" May suggested innocently.

Natty glared. "Your homework won't ever even be _mentioned_. Meanwhile, I have _tons _of homework I have to do during class!"

"Couldn't you have just done it the night before?"

Natty continued to glare. "Well, aren't you just a little genius. Why don't you take an honors class and leave us alone?"

"…This is an honors class."

Natty's face turned puzzled. "But this is an art class. I can't be in honors art." She picked up her purse and shuffled inside it, pulling out a small, tan paper. Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Oh, shit. Room four thirty two, not three forty two. Shit! My math teacher is gonna…" She suddenly giggled. "Oh, that's right. She's like Paul from American Idol. She won't care. I can just tell her what happened. Perfect."

And, with that, Natty strolled out of the room and Dawn and May filled up seven pages of girly crap that basically said that Drew was hot and he would never want her. Ever. Because he was so cool and he didn't date anyone despite that his emo coolness could get him any girl he wanted. Just to date, of course. High schoolers don't have sex. Ever. What are you, stupid? They're just _kissing._ Gawd, Mom, why are you reading my-?

LOL, sorry, that's the wrong rant. LOL.

**

* * *

**

"Omigod!" May squealed with joy. "There's a dance coming up! There's a-!"

May suddenly began to choke on dust, falling to her knees and coughing her lungs out. That's a hyperbole, you see, because she wasn't _really _coughing her lungs out, she was just coughing hard and I exaggerated. Anyway, Drew ran out of nowhere (more like shuffled his emo feet) and pulled her from the cloud of dust. She was almost unconscious, so he used CPR to save her. She blurted a "thank you" before falling into unconsciousness.

"What'd you do to my girl?!" Drew questioned with righteous fury.

Ash and Misty looked at each other, then at Drew, and slowly held up the erasers they had been clapping. This was their punishment, as they had both gone into the bathrooms with a black sharpie and wrote obscene things on the walls. They had also drawn obscene pictures. And Gary and Ash had been caught sexing up in the closest or something, the details were a little vague, but apparently they had both done things that were frowned upon.

"Why'd you do that to my girl?!" his righteous fury questioning continued.

"The school believes that punishing bad students for their bad behavior will eventually correct such behavior, and making an example out of such students will prevent others from a life of crime. It does not appear to be working." Misty sighed at the erasers in her hands. "Pity. Clapping them is actually pretty fun though, especially if you catch the wind right to it doesn't choke you but anyone who walks by. Want to give it a shot?"

"You're fags!"

Ash clutched to Misty. Misty clutched to Ash. They both gasped in outright horror. Then, Ash began to cry, clutching closer to Misty and she rubbed his back, comforting him until he could stand on his own then running over to pummel Drew into the dirt. He was helpless, screaming like a girl until she had thoroughly beaten him and held him down so Ash could get a good kick or two, and then the two scampered off before any kind of teacher could come and bust them.

May woke up just a few moments later and, when asked what happened, Drew sleepily replied, "I tried to get them away from you, but they beat me up. It was terrible."

She considered him her hero.

**

* * *

**

"Ohmigawd!" May screamed yet again, bouncing up and down with excitement. Dawn and a bunch of other girls, about seven of them that get one line a chapter because the author piled too many of her/his best friends into the story. They were backstage of a talent show, all thrilled because they were about to go and dance and sing in horribly skimpy outfits that would really make the guys cheer, because they were just so good. Uh-huh. And my dad likes the Pussycat Dolls because they can sing.

They all rushed out and began to sing and dance to this song (make sure you play it on youtube while you read it!):

_[Intro]_  
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.  
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,  
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.  
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*  
They only talk to her, because,  
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?  
I mean, her butt, is just so big.  
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,  
out there, I mean - gross. Look!  
She's just so ... black!

_[Sir Mix-a-Lot]_  
I like big butts and I can not lie  
You other brothers can't deny  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist  
And a round thing in your face  
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough  
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh baby, I wanna get with you  
And take your picture  
My homeboys tried to warn me  
But that butt you got makes me so horny  
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin  
You say you wanna get in my Benz?  
Well, use me, use me  
'Cause you ain't that average groupie  
I've seen them dancin'  
To hell with romancin'  
She's sweat, wet,  
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette  
I'm tired of magazines  
Sayin' flat butts are the thing  
Take the average black man and ask him that  
She gotta pack much back  
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)  
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)  
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)  
Shake that healthy butt!  
Baby got back!

(LA face with Oakland booty)  
Baby got back!

_[Sir Mix-a-Lot]_  
I like 'em round, and big  
And when I'm throwin' a gig  
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal  
Now here's my scandal  
I wanna get you home  
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh  
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy  
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys  
I want 'em real thick and juicy  
So find that juicy double  
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble  
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble  
So I'm lookin' at rock videos  
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes  
You can have them bimbos  
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo  
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya  
I won't cuss or hit ya  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*  
Till the break of dawn  
Baby got it goin' on  
A lot of simps won't like this song  
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it  
And I'd rather stay and play  
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong  
And I'm down to get the friction on  
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}  
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}  
Then turn around! Stick it out!  
Even white boys got to shout  
Baby got back!

Baby got back!  
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'  
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

_[Sir Mix-a-Lot]_  
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda  
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda  
My anaconda don't want none  
Unless you've got buns, hun  
You can do side bends or sit-ups,  
But please don't lose that butt  
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role  
And tell you that the butt ain't gold  
So they toss it and leave it  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it  
So Cosmo says you're fat  
Well I ain't down with that!  
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'  
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'  
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:  
You ain't it, Miss Thing!  
Give me a sister, I can't resist her  
Red beans and rice didn't miss her  
Some knucklehead tried to dis  
'Cause his girls are on my list  
He had game but he chose to hit 'em  
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em  
So ladies, if the butt is round,  
And you want a triple X throw down,  
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT  
And kick them nasty thoughts  
Baby got back!

(Little in the middle but she got much back) _[4x]_

_-borrowed from azlyrics dot com_

The entire audience erupted into cheers and the girls walked off with excited giggles, sneering at the small outcast group of Tracey, Brock, Ash and Misty. Each one was either considered nerdy, gay, or abusive, and they were generally avoided at all costs. But not today! May stormed up to them confidently.

"TRY AND BEAT THAT!" May screamed in all caps.

"I will!" Misty shrieked. "I will rip your face off with this whip!"

And, like Indiana Jones the girl swiftly pulled out a whip and cracked it in the air, while the other one clutched a brown bag. Inside that bag was beer, symbolizing the return of the drunk zone, very much requested. She stumbled around for a little while longer, much to the embarrassment of her friends, until she finally toppled over and they hoisted her up, Brock grabbing her legs and Tracey scooping her up under her arms.

Ash, blushing, explained, "We're, uh, not in the talent show."

May didn't really care, though, because Drew had been ignoring her all year and now faced with her wicked dance skills had fallen in love and was giving her a good make out. I won't go into depth because, frankly, I've never seen a good kissing scene in one of these fics and that's a story for another day.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Fictionally or factually, high school sucks.


	12. Rescue

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun and Blazing Bluex7**

**

* * *

**

Rescue

In a dungeon, there were four cages. From left to right, facing said cages, the captives were as follows: Misty, Jessie, May and Dawn. And, in the center of the room, there were five things. The first was the game of _Risk_, all set up with all the pieces used. The second was Natty, their captor. The third was a video camera, aimed at the game board, which was connected to the forth thing, which was a giant monitor. The fifth thing was a poochyena snoring next to his owner, little paws moving in his sleep. The surroundings were, to put it simply, grey. Cement floor, grey, stone wall, grey, and a door at the far end of the room was a metal grey.

"Alright, since_ May _is a baby and doesn't want to play-" Natty began testily.

"I'm _sorry_. I can't help thinking about the people I'm conquering and killing!" May whined pitifully behind her bars, arms crossed and face in a determined line.

"There isn't any fricken…" Natty began once more, then cut herself off with a shake of her head. "Screw it. Dawn, you're green. Now, you've dispersed yourself pretty badly, and there's only these two countries that can attack and, let's face it, everyone else has more troops in their country than you do on a whole. So, do you want to attack Misty, Jessie, or me? Remember, I'm the one holding you here, and if you make me lose, I can probably lower you into a pit of lava."

Jessie raised an eyebrow. "Alright, kid, here's a question: why are you playing a board game with your prisoners? Should you be out, I don't know, blowing up the world or something?"

"Yeah, see, here's the problem. Apparently, when a villain captures the girl, they're just after the hero, right? So I'm supposed to be waiting for the hero to show up, but what the hell am I supposed to do during that time? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! No one ever says! I can't twiddle my thumbs and wait for the hero to walk through the door so I can kill him. That's so _boring. _I found _Risk_ though, so I decided we could play that while we wait for our heroes to get through a series of challenges."

"And what's that?" Dawn asked nervously.

"Huh?" Natty blinked, looking up from the game. "Oh! Oh, right, the challenges. I put one of my friends in charge of the door and they have to convince her to open it up. It's not really hard. You just have to say please. I'm not really in the mood for setting up difficult challenges. I mean," she chuckled, "I can't spend all my League winnings on this. I'm down to the third richest person in this world, y'know? I should be good once the next game comes up and my salary ups again."

"What the hell do they pay you to do?" Misty snorted. "Capture people?"

"No, they pay me to not wreak havoc upon your unsuspecting world, not just with my pokémon powerhouse, but with weapons from my world which I can download from the connection I have to the internet." She pulled out her imaginary cell phone, suddenly wished into life in the pokeworld, smiled and sighed dreamily. "Oh, Verizon, is there anywhere I can't hear you?"

May swallowed nervously. "That's a good thing to pay you for."

Suddenly, James burst through the door. Well, what one assumed would be James. He was wearing a dress, a wig, and plenty of other girly items. He danced across the room to Jessie's cage pulled out a hairpin, and picked the lock. Jessie leapt into his arms with a happy cry, and he struggled under her weight, weak frame crumpling. She beat him up a bit, partly for being weak and partly for letting her get caught in the first place. And, James beaten and downtrodden, he grabbed Jessie's hand and led her out. She, in turn, smacked his hand off and walked with her head held high. She didn't need a man. She was woman. Hear her roar. Rawr.

"Whipped like the family pig," Natty chuckled. "Dawn, who are you going to attack, Misty or me? Remember the pit of lava."

Dawn thought for a moment. "West Africa is going to attack East Africa."

"Dawn!" Misty shouted. "What the hell? I thought we were cool! I saved you, like, thirty time from Jessie in this game and the only time I attacked you was when I needed the troops! Damn! Well, everybody, it looks like we have a traitor on our hands. So much for the twelve turn truce we made six turns ago!"

"Just a game," Dawn murmured.

It was then when Drew sauntered in. Hands in his pockets, occasionally flipping his hair like a green tinted emo, smiling at all the girls. One glared, two didn't really know him, and didn't care, and one waved like a three year old waves at their preschool teacher – that one was Natty. He walked up to the cage, and simply stared. Whether he didn't want to open it or whether he assumed the lock would be so charmed by him it would simply grow weak in its mechanism and drop to the floor no one knew. It didn't and, after about ten minutes of everyone waiting to see what they would do, it was thankfully interrupted by our next CPR giving member.

"My love!" Kenny cried. "I've come to rescue you!"

Dawn moaned and fell back against her cage, suddenly realizing how appealing that lava pit was. Why hadn't she attacked Natty? It would have been a nice way to stop being so pretty. Who would go after a girl with her arms burned off, just charred bones dangling? Just sensitive pansies, that's who. "Not this shit again."

"I've trekked far and wide, fighting off villains and convincing drawbridge controllers to lower them! And I've raced inside, searching this mansion to find you, and here you are! You have no idea the things I've gone through, the people who have tried to kill me! I'm hurt badly, Dawn. But…ever since we were children I've loved you! We've been through the good and bad times and…and now, as my ultimate profession of love, I've gone on the most amazing journey to save you, and turned down every gorgeous woman who has asked me to marry them. All for you, Dawn! What do you say? Please, go on a date with me!"

"See that?" Dawn said, pointing to Drew. "I need a hot guy like that. Not some loser like you! You're just plain ugly!" When Kenny began to cry, she continued, "Oh, yeah. Crying! That's gonna make me love you. That's real manly."

Our final contestant came in, Ash Ketchum, Pikachu on his shoulder all charged up from destroying the locks. He raced over to the cage, preparing to release his pokémon and save the redhead within, when she glared at him. The glare she gave sent chills through him, and he backed away from the cage, gulping and whispering, "Uh, hi Misty, I got this note that said you were kidnapped and I came to save you."

"What?" she snorted. "Is it because I'm a girl? Because I can't save myself? I'll have you know, Ash, that I could save myself at any moment. I just chose not to because I'm trying to win a game of risk, alright? I already pick pocketed the key of Natty. Why don't you sit down and take over for Jessie?"

Ash sighed and did so, they all resumed the game, even Dawn. Drew continued to attempt to charm the lock open. Kenny continued to cry. And Ash, unsurprisingly (since half of it is a game of luck), destroyed everyone by always rolling sixes and defeating every fleet that came his way.

And Paul? Paul's a deadbeat jerk, and never bothered to show up.

And, may I say...duh.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: The pokecrew is generally all captured, not just one. If they want to capture Ash why don't they…just capture Ash? The pokegirls are tough, and don't need to be saved. If the girls can be captured, so can the boys. How about we get Ash captured every once in a while, huh? Let's get some female rescuers! At the very least, put some logic behind it. If the girls get captured, trick them into it, and let them get at least partially free on their own. Make it an entertaining capture and stop being so cliché.


	13. Confession

**Plot idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

**Grammatical Structure (aka: who to blame with the horrendous writing): Super Reader**

**

* * *

**Confession

ash is really hot and i think about him a lot thought misty omg i think i love him and misty went off to find ash when she found ash she was really nervus but she decided to tell him anyway and shouted i love you ash and then she ran away cuz she thout that he h8ed her but he didn't & he found her & they fel in love 4ever.

* * *

Slightly Better Version

'Ash is really hot,' thought misty. "I think about him a whole bunch and his eyes and his hair and his hot body and OMG did I just think Ash was hot?" She knew then that she liked Ash and she went off to find him. She found him by the riverbank. "Hi Ash" she said. "Hi Misty." Said Ash. She was very nervous and wriggled nervously for a moment before she finally blurted. "Ash I love you!!!!" and then she ran off and ran and ran and ran cuz he could not like her because she was fat and ugly and stupid. But Ash found her, and he hugged her while she cried. He said "don't worry misty, I love you and I think you're beautiful." Really Ash?" she asked. "Yeah' he said. And then they kissed and it was beautiful and passionate and wonderful.

The end!

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Please, please, please, please, please add a plot!

Grammatical Rules: Capitalize proper nouns. Hit the enter button with each new speaker. Commas are your friend and so are periods.


	14. Man Whore

**Plot idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

**WARNING: Strong, strong, strong innuendo. If you're not into that, run. Oh, and I'm a tad bit insulting because I'm really, really sick of this one. Not into sexism. At all.**

**

* * *

**Man Whore

Ash Ketchum was, quite peaceably, shining his pokeballs. No, no, not like that silly peoples. Perhaps you may have thought differently because of the title, but, no, Ash was shining his actual pokeballs, with a rag and a little bit of grease, and they were looking quite spiffy if he did say so himself. And he did say so. In fact, that little dork even used the word spiffy. For arguments sake, I'm going to be kind enough to boost him up to age fourteen. That's right, _fourteen_. And do you know what his career is? He's still traveling the world. He's still a trainer. He still has gotta catch 'em all and be the best that he can be. And now, that dork of a trainer is polishing his pokeballs with a happy smile and a happy whistle.

When, suddenly, he realized something. Horror of unspeakable horrors, his little buddy Pikachu was missing! Ash's eyes went wide with horror, and he began running around his room, screaming in panic and waving his arms wildly. Until, suddenly, as if the author was reminded by an obnoxious reviewer, Ash froze with a smile and recalled that he had left his Pikachu with Professor Oak to fix him. Professor Oak had his own machine, and in a day or two Ash could have him back! …wait, didn't the little machine take as much time as it took to answer Nurse Joy's obnoxious questions and the music in the background to go: _Do! Do! DodoDO! _But, apparently not. Apparently Oak took days to make this work. He was old, we assume, he forgets sometimes.

Ash went back to his pokeballs, and May burst in the door in lingerie. Why our innocent _shy _little May has suddenly decided to put on lingerie and burst into Ash's room, the world will never know. There are no explanations allowed. This is purely to get you horny. If you are not here to get horny, leave now! Turn back and never return! Or, you know, since it's me and I'm fricken hilarious you could stay along for the ride. Ahem, anyway, we go back to May bursting through said door and saying in a low, sexy voice (because our little twelve year old can _totally _pull off sexy, pervs), "Why are you shining your own pokeballs when someone else could be shining them for you?"

Ash beamed, not noticing the skimpy outfit. He's Ash for goodness sakes! And what does he do? Hold out the pokeball he's been polishing to May. "Gee, May, thanks a bunch!"

She sweatdropped. "Er, that's not exactly what I meant."

Next burst in Dawn, this one is ten. Fricken ten. Now, I really should wait for this moral, but what the hell is _wrong _with you? Even if she is _sixteen_! I don't like the idea of them having sex! You're dirty, dirty people! You know what, if you've got a fanfic that's long and has a plot and makes it believable, rockin'. But I don't to read about little ten year olds or kids my age gettin' it on. At this age, we're not _ready _for sex, not in today's society. No, if it was olden times and male find female, gives a good breed and walks off, that's fine, but nowadays? It costs money! And even if you do, the psychological consequences? And for _pokémon characters_? Don't you think if they were gonna have sex at that age, alone, unsupervised, they would have…screw it. Pervs are pervs. I'm not even going to try.

So, Dawn comes in in her Sinnoh outfit because, let's face it, she's one sexy fox with it. In she rushes with a smile and a sexy grin, "you know, Ash, I know how fast you fill them up but if you give me the chance I might be able to get you some empty balls."

Ash's tiny brain went into overdrive. "Wait…you mean like buy some from the store? It's not my birthday!"

She sweatdropped. "Er, that's not exactly what I meant."

"BACK OFF BITCH! HE'S MINE!" said the all caps button.

"NOW, YOU BACK OFF YOU WHORE! HE'S MINE!" the all caps button replied to itself.

The two began to fight on the floor, in the only detail you will get in the story while horny boys at home do dirty things to themselves because they're very, very sick. If they wish to do such things to themselves, all they need to do is watch the later Japanese episodes of Sailor Moon. That's fine. This is dirty. They are ten you sick, sick freaks. Don't be pedophiles. Go after older women. They've practiced. They know what they're doing. Go after them. A virgin will just cry and lay there, 'kay?

Suddenly, Misty came in, holding her head with a moan. "I had my seventeenth birthday last night, Ash. I did shots. I did seventeen shots of a very, very strong drink and I did things I'm not very proud of. I fell asleep under your mother's bed, Ash. If you don't shut these two up, I will do something drastic. I have many bad objects from the drunk zone I shouldn't use, but will, because I've got a hangover."

Ash shrugged. "But I dunno what they're even arguing about. They just keep talking about my pokeballs."

Misty glared at his stupidity, then muttered a quick: "I'll be right back". And she was right back. She came back from his mother's room with a baseball bat. And then she picked up said bat, and she began to beat the girls over and over and over again until they were only bloody corpses on the carpet. Their brains mixed with the blood and the carpet fibers and the little pieces of scull had flown all across the room. Misty had been screaming all the while, and she finally tossed down the bat, toppled into the lower bunk with a headache.

"Misty, sorry to bug you, but what were they doing?"

"Fighting over you."

"Like I'm some sort of meaningless object and they're some sort of primal idiots, such as bucks that rams against each other, get their horns lock and died and anyone who believes such a ridiculous thing is taking a huge step back in society and evolution and should be taken out into the street and forced to live life in the olden days, competing for mates, food, water, territory, and the loser doesn't feel rejected but dies in the icy winter weather?"

"Exactly Ash."

"That's stupid."

Misty snorted. "If you say that something's stupid, it's _gotta _be stupid."

"You know, Misty, you're pretty-"

"Shut up, Ash."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Well, I'm sure I stated it several times before. Basically, not only would Ash never, ever, ever get this and the girls aren't catty enough to do this (it's _completely _out of character), this is morally wrong. This is like having Ash _rape _someone. It's not going to happen. If you can make a believable AU out of it, fine, I won't go there. If you like this, don't review, alright? I hate to be opinionated about this but I can't stand this. _This _is ridiculous. You can try to change my mind, but I doubt you can. I _hate _this. I apologize for being so opinionated on this, but _damn._  


* * *

To Ketchum Kid: -hands on hips (jokingly)- _Excuse _me, I did not. I do not need a comma after friends because "and so are periods" makes it a compound subject, merely in the wrong place, and because they both relate to the verb I don't need the comma. XD I just got through with grammar.


	15. Interruption

**Welcome to Suicide Week! Which should have started yesterday, but I was throwing up, so you can have two today!**

**I just want to let you know that this is supposed to be a joke, and funny, but in no way to I encourage suicide. There are certain times where it might be appropriate (see Titanic, before a nuclear bomb, during Roman and Greek time periods) but, in today's society, especially if you are a teen, it's generally not a good way to solve your problems. If you are considering suicide, please look up a suicide hotline and talk to them.**

Note: C/A/N stands for Cassie's Author's Note. Cassie is the imaginary badfic writer. Apologies to any reviewer who might have the name Cassie. It was chosen at random and is not a reflection on you.

**

* * *

**Interrupted

This was it. For four years she had longed for him and now she would finally end her pain. Oh, sure, perhaps she could have called him, or ran away like she had often done as a child (because, given Misty's personality, we can assumed that a child who runs away once will continue to do so), but doing any of the above would be logical. As taught in health class, us teenagers are emotionally driven fools that would have hot sex as soon as look at someone as long as that some is gorgeous; if said gorgeous someone rejects one, that teen must see a psychologist or that teen will develop an eating disorder or kill themselves. No exceptions.

Misty rolled the pills bottle in her hands, that orange plastic pain medication filled bottle. These would get the job done. One by one, she took them. Pebbles reminded her how cute he was. Fred reminded her how stupid. Wilma reminded her of his tendency to crossdress. Dino, ah, he reminded her of that lovable Pikachu he constantly tried to capture. That was the worst. One by one she ate then, then, feeling sleepy, she laid back on the bed and waited for the end.

That was when Daisy burst in, glaring. "Why the _hell _is there a suicide note to some kid named Todd/Snap?"

"I'm killing myself," Misty whispered. "I can feel the end coming. I took the ones you got from the doctor."

"You mean the ones I finished last week and refilled with Flintstone vitamins? Perfectly harmless Flintstone vitamins?""

"What?" Misty exclaimed, sitting up with a gasp while her sister snorted and walked away. "Oh, I will _totally _kill myself before the day ends! You just wait!"

That night, after cleaning the dishes (C/A/N: ugh, her sisters were _such _bitches, making her do _chores _my _mom _made me do chores today…)Misty snuck off with a big, thick blade. It was gorgeous…smooth and deadly. She weighed it in her hands, adoring the feel of metal. How strong it was, how effortlessly it would glide through her and give her the greatest pleasure known to man, the sweet release (twenty points if you thought of that in a dirty way).

She ran the sink, ice cold water to keep the blood flowing and then lifted the icy blade in the air, adoring its beauty, waiting for the moment it would be inside her. That was when Daisy, once again, walked in with a calm, "Put down the knife."

"Dammit, Daisy, I'm trying to kill myself!" she shrieked. "Don't give me a speech!"

"You've got too much to live for, kiddo. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and definitely ones that aren't lonely enough that they love a camera more than they could ever love a woman. You're better than this, blah, blah, blah. Don't be a pansy! Clean the bathroom and get your punkass upstairs and you just _watch _what happens if you don't."

Damn the others and their infernal parties, thought Misty with a brooding tone. Don't they see how bad I feel? Don't they _care_? Why can't they ease my suffering? Why can't they stop thinking about Ash winning a league for the first time in his pathetic life and focus on my boy problems? How selfish.

There was a cliff conveniently nearby. There's always a cliff conveniently nearby. This would leave one to wonder why there is such an abundance of cliffs in the pokeworld. Considering their purpose in fanfiction is always to be thrown off of, one would have to assume these cliffs have been made for just that. How sad! Stories should be written where a cliff had a purpose other than suicide. What I the cliff becomes so depressed _it _commits suicide? Then what would those precious suicidal character toss themselves off of? Nothing, that's what.

Despite how off track this rant may have been, it does relate to the fact that it is Misty's turn to die and there is a conveniently placed cliff nearby. And Misty was about to toss herself off of it.

That was when her friends ruined her third suicide attempt by rudely interrupting her solemn walked off. They cried, "Misty! What the fuck? When you sisters claimed you were going through a suicide phase we thought they were joking!"

"Suicide isn't a _joke_! You can't make it funny!" she shouted.

Brock and Ash eyes the cliff. Said cliff was about as high as a picnic table, and not exactly fit to be called a cliff, but there simply wasn't any word to use in place of it. Drop off? Pitfall? Pitfall could work perhaps but that seemed to imply that it was a trap made by man, not nature. So, silly Ash, not realizing what he was saying was morally questionable replied, "I dunno, Mist, you're making it into one."

"Shut up!" she screamed again, and jumped off the cliff.

She landed softly, and glared back up at them as if this was all their fault, which, of course, it was. This led to a quick debate about suicide, how Misty shouldn't do it, and after bribing her with a deep fried chocolate covered Twinkie she was able to get hauled up the tiny cliff and taken back to the party, crisis avoided. Granted, she did spend half her dinner trying to slit her wrists with a spoon, but since she didn't get anywhere and her attempts stopped after that, they let it go.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: The odds that Misty or any of the characters (even Ash) are dumb enough to be committing suicide and are interrupted and talked out of it are impossibly high. Generally, the stories you hear about attempted suicide either A) were failures of that person (not enough pills, wrong kinds of pills, bullet skimmed and didn't go through a skull, heart, and so on) or B) pill takers who were found in time, after taking the pills, and were taken to a hospital. It's nearly impossible for it to happen. If you wish to discuss this with me, I'm going to need you to bring an Improbability Drive.


	16. Creative

**(This will be in every chapter this week) I just want to let you know that this is supposed to be a joke, and funny, but in no way do I encourage suicide. There are certain times where it might be appropriate (see Titanic, before a nuclear bomb, during Roman and Greek time periods) but, in today's society, especially if you are a teen, it's generally not a good way to solve your problems. If you are considering suicide, please look up a suicide hotline and talk to them.

* * *

**

Creativity

Misty was the creative sort, you see, it came with all the lying and tricking she did to Team Rocket and her closest friends. And Misty, today, was going to discuss with her friends suicide. You may be wondering how they got onto the topic. Don't. It will never be answered, you will never know, and since this is a parody there's certain things you must lay back and accept. But, to give you a feel of the setting, they were sitting on the edge of a cliff, swinging their legs and looking out at the beautiful sunset.

"I understand why there's so many suicide fics, just like the argument fics, but I just wish they were more…" Misty trailed off, hand swinging in the air as she struggled to find the word. "I wish they were more creative. I'm getting sick of cliffs and knives and pills. You never have any kind of interesting way to go. I mean, we're in a world full of pokémon! There's so many ways you could die and everyone just tosses them away!"

Ash leaned back with a relaxed groaning type of sound. "Like what?"

"Well," Misty said slowly. "There's the obvious, which is gunfire. I'm really an angry person, violent, and a gun compliments my personality so much more than anything else. I could agitate Team Rocket. I could agitate a pokémon. Since I love water, I might enjoy going in water. I could go to the pool and simply drown myself. Walk in front of a train. Topple into a volcano. Set my house on fire and wait to die, and that could symbolize my love and passion over whoever I'm killing myself over that day.

"Which reminds me!"

"Of course it reminds you," Ash and Brock muttered, a little perturbed that the relaxing day was being disrupted by words of suicide.

"Why can't my reason for dying be interesting? Maybe I've been turned down as a gym leader. My sisters have crossed the line with their insults. I was injured and I can't swim anymore. A favorite pokémon died. I'm mourning, not over Ash, but because I can't travel anymore. It's the anniversary of my parents. I'm just plain clinically depressed, but someone in my family or my friends refused to let me have medication. There's so many options!"

Brock sat up slowly. "Misty, why are you thinking so much about your death?"

She shrugged. "Dunno. Something about cliffs…"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: When you want a character to commit suicide, be creative, make it interesting as to how they do it, and try to be interesting in the why. Love should be the _final _straw, not the only reason. And, as Kefka VI said in his last review: "If you're going to write suicide, do research on psychology because that is a hard subject to write tastefully."

Happy Inauguration Day! For those in the U.S., we're getting a new president. For those of you outside this country, yes, we finally got rid of Bush and the republicans. You can stop with the funny headlines about voting Bush in twice. XD


	17. Alternative Solution

**(This will be in every chapter this week) I just want to let you know that this is supposed to be a joke, and funny, but in no way do I encourage suicide. There are certain times where it might be appropriate (see Titanic, before a nuclear bomb, during Roman and Greek time periods) but, in today's society, especially if you are a teen, it's generally not a good way to solve your problems. If you are considering suicide, please look up a suicide hotline and talk to them.**

**

* * *

**Alternative Solution

Misty smiled to the group of eager badfic writers, all who had been lured with thoughts of gushy romance and compliments, only to have the door slammed closed behind them and little metal bands bind them to their chairs. They had long since stopped struggling, and after sitting through four hours of pure torture (Misty let Ash talk about his highlights as a trainer) she had sent Ash on his merry way and began her lecture.

"Alright, so I've noticed that you keep killing me," Misty began lightly. "I'm not sure why you insist on killing me. I think I'm a nice person. I think I deserve to live. Hell, let's face it, there are more fics about me committing suicide than blondes screwing in a lightbulb." She laughed, then noticed many of the blondes in the room (dyed and natural) glaring. "Oh, lighten up. I'm allowed. Some of my least hated sisters are blonde.

"Anywho, I wanted to let you know there's a lot of other things you can do. I could-"

"we culd rite about u Bing sad!" exclaimed one.

"or u havin a eating disorder!" exclaimed another, little eyes that once glazed over with stupid glazing over with joy.

"Or we could write about the possible connection the pokémon world and our world could have, perhaps the product of a post nuclear war society in which mutation, mass populations wipeouts, the bottleneck effect, and evolution even making the possibility that the pokémon world is a futuristic version of our world!" Natty cried with joy, sitting on her desk and crossing one leg over another, only to create unbalance on the desk and topple onto the floor with a sad, "ow."

"Mmm, great ideas. All pretty clichéd except for the loony in the back. When the hell will you be going home, Natty?"

She jumped to her feet and shrugged. "Dunno. 'Suppose when I get bored. But I've got a good suggestion. Perhaps in your depression you've decided to raise an army, an army of tentacruels and your only goal is revenge on the one that hurt you. You rip across the countryside, obliterating everything in your path, but in your obsession you blurt out that you want your love dead or alive. He's brought to you dead, and it's that moment you realize that you made a mistake; you wanted him alive so he could love you and, being dead, all your hopes and dreams were destroyed. In your massive turmoil, you ravage the rest of Kanto and become its queen where you and your family rule for the next two thousand years."

"Ur a freak."

"LOLWHUT?" Natty retorted coolly. "Anywho, what was your idea, Misty?"

Misty shrugged. "Uh, it went a little more like this: I get dumped. So, in my massive rage, I go out and buy a gun. Then, in character, I repeatedly shoot the jerk in the face until his head is in tatters. Or I could use Gyarados to set him on fire. Any of my pokémon would do, really. That's a nice murder. See, I'm not the suicide type. I'm the murder type. I would gladly kill others over myself. I mean, I'm wonderful. Why would I want to rob the world of me?"

"LOLWHUT?" Natty said again. Misty glared, and Natty cleared her throat nervously. "Sorry, it's, uh, fun to do."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Suicide is so _weird _to do, if you think about it. I've never understood people who say, "I hate him so much it makes me want to kill myself". Isn't it more logical to kill him? Anyway, suicide is out of character for most characters. They generally are too violent, too stupid, too cocky or too shy to go through with it. By too shy I mean they wouldn't have the courage to dive off the cliff. Try to think of something else for the character to do, something interesting.

* * *

I just wanted to let you know that I'm not mocking badfic writers, and I don't think they're stupid. They just need a little help.


	18. Homi or Suicide?

**(This will be in every chapter this week) I just want to let you know that this is supposed to be a joke, and funny, but in no way do I encourage suicide. There are certain times where it might be appropriate (see Titanic, before a nuclear bomb, during Roman and Greek time periods) but, in today's society, especially if you are a teen, it's generally not a good way to solve your problems. If you are considering suicide, please look up a suicide hotline and talk to them.**

**

* * *

**Homi or Suicide?

"Make her stop!" Misty screamed, trembling against Ash. "Oh, Mew, for three hours she hasn't stopped! She hasn't stopped with her moaning! She won't stop, Ash! Please tell me I've never sounded like that! If I ever do sound that pathetic…Ash, Brock, you better kill me. Don't hesitate. Just get Pikachu and a gun and kill me. I've only been here for five minutes and I don't know how you've stood traveling with her for all these weeks."

"Dead lover…angst…angst…" said the other redhead. It looked like Misty, sounded like Misty, but it certainly wasn't. Not with that depressed attitude. She was tied to a pole, sitting with legs spread out and head rolling to the side in a depression. Tears had been leaking from her eyes for weeks, she was nothing but bone, thin scar marks laced on her arms, her legs, her stomach, everywhere. She was a disgusting, pathetic creature, looking as if she had come out of a Medieval dungeon.

"I can't stand it," Misty snarled, face contorting with anger. "This time…it's too far. She'll die on her own. Let's just leave her here."

And she turned to walk away when the treasonous Misty whispered, "I'm nothing without you, Ash."

She froze, mouth dropping open in horror. "She said…nothing? Without Ash I'm _nothing_? Ash would be nothing without _me_. He'd be _dead_. Everyone who likes Ash, who likes pairing up Ash with anyone gay or straight should be at least grateful to me. I've saved him from drowning more times than I can count! And _you_, you _disgusting little wrench _have the _nerve _to say that I would be nothing without Ash? You've crossed the line. Crying over a dead man is one thing, but dying because I don't have a reason to exist without him? Ha!"

"Well," Ash swallowed thickly. "If you loved me-"

"Never," Misty snarled. "Even if I did love you. I'm worth _more _than that. I've got pokémon. I've got a family. I've got responsibilities! There is no way I'm going to stand for this! She's looking like me! Putting words in my mouth! Making me do things I would never ever do. She's doing witchcraft. She's a witch. You all know what we do with witches, don't you?"

She walked over the girl, now fully sobbing about how any kind of death would be nice after such a terrible life without Ash. Misty brushed her hair back, that greasy, depressed hair so she could grin a wicked grin and whisper, "We burn them. We tie them to the stake and we burn them until they stop screaming, and then we dance on the ashes. You don't deserve to be me. You _are _nothing, with or without Ash, and that's all there is to it."

"How could you be so mean?" the other Misty whispered, watching as the girl began to light the straw.

"Me?" Misty snorted, standing up straight. The girl wasn't listening by this point, screaming as the flames began to lick around her ankles. "What people have forgotten is that I'm _not _nice. I'm strong. I'm smart. I've tricked Team Rocket, blackmailed Meowth, yelled at people for no good reason and the clobbered the boys. I've hit Psyduck. I've worked hard to lower Ash's self esteem. I have a good side. I have a sweet side, but that's just it. They're _sides _of me. I don't live in a shell. I don't have a tough outside because I'm afraid to show my real emotion. I'm a Rubix cube, sweetie, and you are _not _part of the puzzle."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Misty is not the angst type. She's almost cried twice on the show. Once because she had to go home (and, honestly, leaving your friends after traveling for a few years and having the most exciting adventures of your life should make anyone tear up a bit) and the other because she thought her friend had died. If _my _friend died, I'd be sad, but I wouldn't kill myself over it. Find another character to kill off. One without a backbone. Misty has one.

What? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh, Misty is my favorite, could you tell?


	19. Sexism is Everywhere

**Idea from: **Blazing Bluex7

**  
(This will be in every chapter this week) I just want to let you know that this is supposed to be a joke, and funny, but in no way do I encourage suicide. There are certain times where it might be appropriate (see Titanic, before a nuclear bomb, during Roman and Greek time periods) but, in today's society, especially if you are a teen, it's generally not a good way to solve your problems. If you are considering suicide, please look up a suicide hotline and talk to them.**

**

* * *

**Sexism is Everywhere

"If you don't love me I'll…I'll kill myself!" Brock said to the redhead, jaw dropping as her lips twitched. "You're laughing? I'm serious! For all these years I've been in love with you! I've tried to distract myself with other girls all these years and they're just not enough! Just not good enough! It's always been you. I've loved you! And now I've come here to try and tell you that I've been in love with you all these years and all you do is…is laugh?"

She stifled a giggle with her hands. "Yeah, I am, but not because you love me. I'm sorry I don't like you like that, but still! The thought of you killing yourself is just so funny!"

"But why?" he cried. "My whole life has been dedicated to you and you're just tossing it away."

"Boys don't kill themselves," Misty laughed, shaking her head. "See, since all boys think about is sex and not love, they don't feel bad when they get rejected. They get angry because they lost a piece of ass. They just turn into rapists is all. Boys can't kill themselves. If they were I guess they…they might if they're gay but other than that it's impossible!"

He clenched his fists. "That's a lie!"

She snorted. "Please, log on to a website. Boys don't kill themselves. They're a lot stronger than us girls. They don't feel anything and all they care about it sex."

His breathing came shallow and he slammed his fist against his door. By the time he looked up, she was gone. Hands shaking, furious, he raced to his old wooden desk. Drawer by drawer he ripped it open, because he knew he had it he just couldn't remember _where_. His hands tumbled through the junk until he found the, the black automatic. There wasn't a moment of hesitation, not enough contemplation for a note to be written before the trigger was pulled and his brain was plastered to the wall.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Boys kill themselves too. Though girls are three times more likely to try, more boys die of suicide each year because they tend to use firearms. It wouldn't kill you to throw in one or two where guys do the deed. I'm sick of only seeing girls do this. It must suck to be a guy nowadays, because you're not allowed to show any kind of emotion and if you don't think about sex twenty four seven all the guys call you gay. I'm sorry if you've suffered that.


	20. Passion

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

**Alright, now that Suicide Week is over (yup, only five days, assume that, unless said otherwise, all weeks are five days/chapters long), I'd like to ask two things of you:  
1) You are free to say what you like about the characters in your review to me, but I would prefer that what you say is true. If you have an insult or a compliment, you must back said argument up with an example, unless it's commonly known (Brock can cook, Misty has a temper, Ash can't multiply)  
2) When you review could you…I dunno…mention the story? Please? Some people don't, nothing specific, and though I love random rants a little snippet such as "good work, I enjoyed (insert enjoyable event)" I would like some kind of…critique.  


* * *

**Passion

_Synonyms: __amorous__, __ardent__, aroused, __concupiscent__, __desirous__, __erotic__, __heavy__, __hot__, __lascivious__, __libidinous__, __loving__, __lustful__, __prurient__, __romantic__, __sexy__, steamy, stimulated, __sultry__, turned-on, __wanton__, __wistful__  
-from thesaurus dot reference dot com_

There is something about a first kiss that is eluded to as romantic. The perfect first kiss. From the moment they get over cooties, a large percentage of the female population sits in the back of the class, chewing on their pencil and wondering how magical it would be. Lips would be warm and wonderful and they would feel like they were being zapped by electricity and then they would hold hands into the sunset and it would just be perfect, wonderful in every single way.

May had often dreamed the same, and now she was stuck in a closet with her crush. Granted, "stuck" was a loose term. They both had their pokémon and the door wasn't locked, but when you were at a party and invited to play Seven Minutes in Heaven, you can't turn them down, oh no. You must be forced into a closet and, supposedly, make out fiercely and walk out without any attachments. Apparently, from the stories she read, it was also a brilliant place to start a relationship.

"May," he said.

"Yeah, Drew?"

"You've never been kissed, have you?"

She didn't really know what to say to that. It was definitely a true statement, and her mind flashed back to those pencil-biting days, when romantic daydreams would be rudely interrupted by the teacher asking some kind of math question that she had to fake knowing the answer to. But Drew was a handsome, girl loving type of guy. He had to be! If she told him that she had never been kissed…that would be so badly embarrassing. He would laugh at her and then he would leave the closet and tell everyone else.

"Yeah, I didn't think you had," he sighed, and she heard him shuffle about. "Don't feel too bad about it though. I haven't either."

"What?" she yelped. "You can't possibly-"

"Why not?" he snorted. "Contests don't exactly free up time to go around kissing girls. Not to mention there haven't been a lot I really like. Out of the two, three girls who have liked me generally faint when they got too close. You can't kiss an unconscious girl. Well, you can, but it's a bit illegal."

She swallowed. "So…would you…"

She squeaked when her nose banged against his, a bit painful, but he managed to tilt his head to touch her lips, just for a second. It was almost strange. Lips were smooth and not hot, exactly, but cool. He pulled away a second later, and they shuffled in the dark. A moment later, the giggles started, helpless at their stupidity. He asked her if she'd like to try again, to see if they couldn't add a bit of passion, and she agreed.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: First kisses are not "passionate". You won't know what you're doing. You'll be so nervous you won't even realize it until after the fact you've done it. You won't do the stupid smile think. You won't be drunk with passion. It'll be nice, and that's what you'll want to look back on when you have a first kiss. "_There was this really nice guy and we just sort of…pecked each other on the lips. Our noses bumped and we both laughed afterwards but…it was nice. Yeah…it was nice._"

I didn't daydream about kisses…I daydreamed about the future enslavement of mythical creatures and the rebellion that would follow. -shrugs-


	21. Love Triangle

**Welcome to Angry Misty Week! Where all fics, with subjects that may or may not be related, have an infuriated Misty!**

**Note: I'm giving Cassie a real character, because I…I don't really know. I guess so it makes her seem more real so you understand where some of this might be coming from?**

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun, BlazingBluex7**

**

* * *

**Love Triangle

"I love you, Ash!" cried May with unbridled joy.

"I love you May!" cried Ash, forgetting his comma before May, but still filled with unbridled joy. "I always have!"

They kissed passionately, but we talked about that in an earlier chapter. Their tongues battled for domination and Ash's won. What a victory for his first kiss! This is the only pairing I will ever, ever accept this in. Ever. If they are experienced, depending on the partner, perhaps Ash may seize control, but I suppose we'll get to that in another fic. Just know it's coming. So, anyway, they kissed passionately and fell back in the dirt and rolled around.

Meanwhile, Misty glared in a corner, full of unbridled range. Cassie (remember Cassie, everyone? The imaginary badfic writer) smiled in the corner. Cassie decided she was into advanceshipping today, but she was quite fickle and would probably adore some other pairing tomorrow when someone bashed her fic and she decided to look for nicer reviewers. Cassie and Misty were interconnected due to Cassie's unexplained hatred of Misty, which was only temporary and changed daily.

"Grr," said Misty articulately. "I am angry."

"GO AWAY MISTY!" screamed Ash with unbridled fury. "I HATE YOU!"

"YOU USED TO LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LUV U!" She screamed in return, accidently slipping into chatspeak before turning on her heel and running away with tears in her eyes.

…and Cassie cackled at her computer.

Cassie has mud brown hair that she dyes blonde, not because it looks good, but because she faces terrible insecurities about her character that she masks with a fake, cruel exterior and terrible grammar. How does terrible grammar help? Well, people generally can't understand her, and that really helps. Her eyes are too big and brown, but she put in blue contacts. Her face is too lean, though she thinks it's too fat, thinks _she's _too fat though her ribs jut out and her eyes have sunken in. Her nose is thin, making her face look even longer with the down pointed slope. Her chest is somewhat flat, though she's been begging her parents for breast implants for the past two years. They've been refusing, and she plans to get them when she turns eighteen, four years from now.

Misty went to hide in a corner, brooding.

**

* * *

**May and Ash walked by holding hands, shocked when they saw Misty sitting in their favorite make out spot. Ash vanished to goodness knows where, suddenly forgotten for it was only May and Misty now. May, being the sweet and wonderful protagonist she is, walked to her and smiled.

"Hey, listen, I'm sorry that Ash chose me."

"Dot dot dot, commonly known as an ellipse," said Misty.

"He might have chose you, because you're kinda nice, but you're really ugly and kinda a bitch and really ugly so you're out," May continued.

"Fourteen dots in a row, a gross misinterpretation of what ellipses are for," Misty continued as well.

"Yeah, so, uh…whatchya doin'?"

Misty smiled. "So, would you rather freeze to death or burn to death?"

"Oh!" May cried with unbridled joy. "I love Would You Rathers! Do you play them a lot?"

"No," Misty said, malice in her eyes. "Not really."

**

* * *

**"Hello, Misty!" said May with unbridled happiness, because she's nice unlike that bitch Misty. "How are you today?"

"……………………………………………" said Misty (which sounds like a low, creepy muttering of "dot" under one's breath).

"Whatchya doing?"

"Plotting your imminent demise," she snarled darkly, voice sounding like she was possessed by a demon.

"Oh…" May gulped with unbridled fear. "Nifty."

**

* * *

**"HOLY CRAP MISTY! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER WITH A KNIFE AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP!"

"I'm going to kill you, Mother."

**

* * *

**Ash slowed down, grinning out the window at the girl on the side of the road with a chainsaw and a hockey mask, gesturing with her thumb the same way they were going. "Hey there! Wanna come with us to the next city? We're just a happy-go-lucky couple without any way to protect ourselves, not a gun or a pocketknife, nope! We would if Brock did, you see, because he is a African American, and all African Americans carry guns and knives!"

"It's because they aren't stupid," Natty said, yawning and startling everyone as she appeared from the back seat. "Hey gang! I've been a little delirious with fever. What'd I miss?"

May beamed. "We're helping a traveler get to their destination."

Natty looked out the window slowly and, deciding she really enjoyed life, leaned forward to the cheerful (yet dull) couple and murmured, "Ash Ketchum, you fricken idiot, if you don't put petal to metal I'll take the damned chainsaw myself and put it through your thick, beefy head."

He glanced back. "You know, you're not much like most of the people I meet."

"That's because I'm wonderful," she chuckled, shaking her head. "Petal to metal, Ashy boy. We gotta go."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: In a triangle one person is not always a jerk. There _can _be a psycho out to kill people, but it generally doesn't work that way. The pokémon characters are generally not psycho murderers, if they are, like every moral I seem to write, you have to provide an explanation. If you give them a reason to act funny, people will accept it. Or, you know, make a parody.


	22. Miss

Miss

The redhead slowly turned her eyes to the telescopic sight, grinning to herself. There he was, that spiky black haired devil Brock. He was kissing Suzie, which made things a little more difficult, but it wouldn't be too hard on her heart to take her out as well. The M1903A4 was ancient, but what could she do? The only place she could find a sniper nowadays was in the museum, though she couldn't imagine how they could be so stupid as to let her borrow it.

He pulled away and smiled in her sight, and she trembled with her hand itching to clench down on the trigger. Her throat cleared, because she couldn't very well kill someone with a shaking hand and miss, and she hardened her resolve. Two deep breathes in and out to calm herself. He was right in view, now, staring up at the sky. The sight was right between his eyes. Perfect. All it would take was a single hit and he'd be out. They'd never catch her. They couldn't catch her. The voices said so.

_Shoot him, baby,_ her father's voice whispered in her ear. _Blow his head off._

She pulled the trigger, and the nearly silent bullet flew through the air and through his skull.

Misty was gone before Suzie even had the chance to scream for help.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: If you do decide to make a murderous love triangle, remember this: they don't miss. They can throw, hit, catch a pokeball _every _time, do you _really _think they're not going to win a fight they start. On top of that, for once, just _once _I'd like to see the person attack who they were in love with for breaking their heart, not whoever they've been going with now.

This is short because I'm sick. Very, very sick. Pity my soul.


	23. Hostage

**WARNING: Murder of children, but they aren't **_**real **_**children. It also sort of…went far away from the topic I wanted to cover, but it came back to it and it is the theme so…**

Hostage

It was the ten year old that really made her sick, the sniveling, whining little brat that moaned. There was an entire row of them, each against the brick wall, tied and blindfolded, sitting in wet dirt that was becoming muddier and muddier as time went by. The clouds thundered and lightning struck in the distance, but Misty smiled through it all. It was a warped, sick smile only dulled by the ice in her eyes and the cold metal of the handgun, a Browning 9mmx19 Hi-Power.

"You all know why you're here, don't you sweethearts?" Misty crooned.

One stubborn girl, a medium toned girl with rainbow hair cried out, "Because you're a bi-"

She was cut off by the sound of the gun being fired and the screams that echoed. There were still twelve girls on the wall, not a single one dead, though the ten year old seemed damn close. Her sobbing was louder now, and her gasps for breath seemed to be getting weaker as time went by, and those that were powerful made a sort of choking sound in the back of her throat. Not asthmatic whines, thankfully, just moans.

"I'm a little OOC, you realize. Lots of my fellow characters are. Sometimes May is overly confident, with no logic of how she got there. Imagine a _cocky _May! Impossible! The _shy _Drew! Ash's faults exaggerated, to the point where he can't tie his own shoes. Ash _never _losing his temper. Though, I guess I can't blame you." She chuckled there. "The show raped itself a little bit. Made it way too kiddish. Could blame America, since it's the second largest consumer. Made them role models instead of real. But still…anyone know why you're here?"

The wall was silent but for crying and moaning and sniveling, until one girl dared to whisper, "Reviews?"

"Reviews!" Misty cried joyfully. "That's right, sweetie! How about you be more specific for Auntie Misty?"

She swallowed, staring out into the distance. "We…we wouldn't update unless you got a certain number of reviews. We were…we held our fics _hostage._ And you're…you're doing the same thing just for the irony. You're holding us hostage. Don't you think this is a little bit crazy, really? I know we shouldn't have done this but the lengths you're going to are insane. You can't kill someone just because you don't agree with their views. It's…it's insane!"

"Perhaps," she murmured, fondly skimming her free hand across the barrel of the gun. "It's such a pretty device, you know. It's a pity you can't see it, but it's gorgeous. I could do some bad things with that gun. Go ahead and think about that dirty, think about it evil. Don't care. All I know that you won't be here for very long. Tell me, is your blood rainbow too? I don't think it is. I don't think you ever put in the description."

"You can't just kill people! You're on a children's show!" the rainbow hair girl cried. "This isn't right!"

"You _aren't real,_" Misty whispered, lips curled back in a snarl. "You _aren't._ You're _fake_. You are self inserts. You've never faced a single hardship! Never been hurt! You write about your sufferings about chores or a scratch or hating other people, but you've never _lost_. You've never been hurt! As going by the current show, I don't have parents. Ash doesn't have a father. And, according to the dub, Brock apparently sold his soul to Satan to resurrect his mother. You don't have to write dark, but the time for romanticism has _died_. The public is no longer after characters to ideal, characters to follow. The time of Mary Sue _should _be over. It's time for things to be _real. _And real people _die._"

Natty looked up idly from the split, purple ends she had been ripping apart. "I don't think we should kill them. I wasn't ever that bad, but I did have purple hair. I don't really mind if people do, because, after all, plenty of people _have _had purple hair in the anime, blue as well. I wasn't ever a Mary Sue, but I grew and changed. It's not impossible to think that they can't either. Just give them some kind of positive reinforcement, point out their faults. Don't destroy their story, they'll only ignore you and make more crap."

"It's too late for that," Misty snarled. "I used to be _pleasant_. I was _normal_ once. People haven't bothered to even look at the old shows, to rethink their views that they had as a child! Look at you! You hated May with all your heart until you went back and really _looked _at the shows."

Natty snorted. "Well, it's not like I've converted to her biggest fan, a bit too weak and girly for me, but yes. I've seen her highlights. A better example would have been Ash. I'm actually turning into his fangirl, and I'm rather disappointed in myself. It's so rare for me to like the main character, except for Edward Elric, of course."

"You're missing the point!" Misty cried. "You haven't had yourself ripped apart! Your character demoralized! And then looked and seen that people are actually begging for reviews, no matter what they say, to continue writing the damn abomination! And this damn girl won't stop crying!"

There was a single fire, jumps but no screams, and the crying came to an abrupt stop.

"We singled you out," said Natty, her throat tight, "because you denied your own rules. You alerted and favorited my stories, but you never reviewed like you so begged others to do, like you said on your profile made you sick. You believed that if you took the time to read you should take a second to review, and yet here you were, hypocrites in the flesh. And…you're just self inserts. You're not real but…"

She took a shaky breath. "It isn't the quantity, but the quality. I would give up every review that said a single word like 'awesome' or screamed 'go pokshipping' or 'update soon' or loved my work even though there was _nothing. _No description, no plot, just two characters smashed together, the kind of fics that makes me sick because _those _are the ones that get the reviews that they simply don't deserve, mindless praise.

"The point of the reviews is not to have the most," she said, closing her brown eyes tight. "It's to teach you how to write better."

Misty's hands were shaking. "I'm going to kill them now. If you want to leave, I suggest you better do it quick."

Natty's hands were shaking too, not with excitement, nor rage, but fear as she struggled to find Alphonse's, an alakazam, pokeball.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: This isn't Canon Rape (well, plenty of things in here aren't, but it wouldn't be a parody if some things just didn't make sense!) but it _is _obnoxious. Jees, you're _not _holding the cure to cancer here. People aren't sobbing behind their computers going "Why, oh why won't people review and make her continue this wonderfully awesome story!" They're more like, "Uh…update soon?" Trust me, although literature is a wonderful, wonderful thing: nobody cares about it anymore. Take a look at the teen section, fellow readers, and proceed to sob uncontrollably. No plot. No meaning. No character development. Just Mabel and her new push-up bra and the sudden swarm of men who follow her that she doesn't appreciate (_Gawd! All these boys like me my life _sucks!).

…I feel like I've gone on a tangent of my personal views. Oops. Ironically I wrote this before I saw Yoshi's Kun review where I said pretty much the same thing. XD

And, _yes _everyone, all guns mentioned are real guns that I have researched. I'm not pulling these out of thin air nor out of my closet. I don't why I'm dark these past couple of days –shrugs-. I guess it's because I haven't killed off a character in a very long time.


	24. Jealousy

**Idea From: Tomoyo Kinomoto**

**Warning: Humorous destruction of fangirls.**

Jealousy (Parody of "Weasel Stomping Day" by Weird Al Yankovic)

_Everybody gather 'round!  
Time to pummel 'em to the ground.  
The anime girls are in a jealous rage!_

_Suit on up with hammerspace,  
Time to put them in their place.  
Can't you see the fury in their gaze?_

_All the girls are quite surprised,  
That fangirls swarm around their guys  
Though just Gary has obtained  
Crazy fangirls through his sexy fame._

_Join the girls, and have some fun  
There's plenty of work to be done!  
Grab a mallet beat the girls to death!  
Just keep on smacking out their final breath!_

"Misty," May said, feeling a tad guilty as she put a steel, spiked mallet through yet another drooling fangirl's skull. "Isn't this a bit wrong? I mean, I know it's wrong in itself that there's already fangirls. After all, Ash has saved the world about twenty times and no one even recognizes him, and the only girls that ever really like Drew just sort of fainted in his presence and wasn't really much for competition, and Paul probably sacrifices his fangirls to some pagan God and rapes their corpses, but isn't it wrong to kill them?"

"Of course not!" Misty cried joyfully, repeatedly smashing one with blood and guts splattering onto her face. "This is an Anime Holiday! If we didn't take some time each year to slaughter them, the whole fandom would be nothing but fangirls! Just enjoy it! Besides, this is how I get my temper out! You can't imagine how bad I am if I don't…

"Don't you go for my Twinkie, triple slut!" she screamed, slamming down her mallet once more.

Ash beamed, watching the girls (after all, as a male he didn't have access to hammerspace and therefore could not participate). "I love this holiday!"

_Whether fan or character…  
Crap. Nothing rhymes with character.  
Enjoy the death of cardboard girls,  
who otherwise would rule the world._

_Sure, most religions say its wrong  
But these girls just don't belong  
"It's tradition, that makes it okay!"_

_I think it's time for Fangirl Crushing…  
Send up a cheer for Fangirl Crushing!  
Let of your rage it Fangirl Crushing Day!  
Let's do a dance for Fangirl Crushing Day!_

_Fangirls go away  
Hey!_

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: -chuckles- Alright, this didn't exactly fit but it made me happy, especially since I got to listen to "Weasel Stomping Day" and see the music video several times to get the parody right. But, the moral (which is somewhat in there) is _not _about the destruction of fangirls, but how weird it is that they keep putting fangirls in pokémon. The only character ever proven to have fangirls is Gary (which he most likely hired) and if Ash has saved the world at least _ten times _at the time I'm writing this and _nobody _knows who he is, I think it's safe to say that winning a competition or contest will not get you fangirls.

-laughs- This one put me in a really good mood!


	25. Abusive

**Idea From: Shadow/phantomness**

Abuse

"Some of you may have been thinking that past week, wow, what a bitcharooni," Misty said, grinning in the camera's direction. Nervously, knowing you had once or twice thought so, you reached for your remote, but the girl kept smiling. "Don't you dare. I'm not on the TV, I'm in your mind. You can't escape me. Sit down, relax and we're going to have a talk."

Although you felt it might have been wiser to at least attempt an escape, something in her voice makes you pause. You lean forward to the screen, subconsciously glad when she continues, "This is dramatic effect, you see I'm drastically OOC. I'm a bit different on the show, not as bitchy. Ash, you wouldn't say I was bitchy, would you?"

"Bitchy!" He repeated in an incredulous tone. "Catty, of course. Blackmailing, yes. Underhanded and conniving, always. But bitchy? I wouldn't say you were bitchy, Mist. It goes without saying."

"So what?" snapped Natty, clutching a large bowl of homemade chicken salad. "She states her opinion, has a temper, does things on her own instead of sniveling in a corner like most heroines. And she's not all lighthearted about it either! I followed that! Her and other Misty types were my rolemodels. But, oh no, God forbid a woman loses her temper! A man can, but if a woman does it just ignore it! She's just bein' a bitch! How about you take whatever you're overcompensating for and shove it up you-" the show censored her swear, a fanfiction logo popping up in front of her mouth. "It's not like it'll hurt, since it's so tiny and all! And all you _women _like that? Shut up and grow a backbone! You have to work to earn my pity, doing _nothing _to protect yourself doesn't deserve a thing. It deserve a swift kick in the keister."

"Natty," Misty scolded. "That's not what we're talking about."

"I, dear friends, am a bitch. Therefore, everything I say constitutes as bitchiness which _is _what we're discussing, right?"

"No, Natty, eat your chicken," Misty sighed. The girl merrily did so. "Alright, thanks to Ash's comment, and the fact that he's the only guy here., he's going to help me show you the difference from the Canon mallet abuse and the non canon _actual _abuse."

"I don't wanna be here."

"We don't want you here Ash," she agreed. "Thankfully, you are and I have a nice way to get revenge. It's time to demonstrate abuse, so get up and we'll get the beating over quick so your true love can come save you."

He smiled. "Mommy!"

She rolled her eyes and took out her large brown mallet, giving him a good smack into the red, plush carpet of the elaborately decorated room. As if they were somehow rich and glamorous, perhaps a dictator of some poor country they were slowly stealing the money from so they could live an overly lavish lives. He moaned and curled up into a ball, and Misty moaned in return furious at him for ruining her point.

She sighed and dropped her head back to stare at the golden ceiling. "Okay, in a _normal _situation, Ash would moan for a moment, then pop up perfectly fine. Tell the nice viewers why you aren't popping up perfectly fine."

"You'll hit me again," he whispered.

"Hells yes," Misty cheered, pumping a proud fist in the air. "So, Ash, you can moan on the floor and let me kick you in your nasty parts or stand up and take a blow to the face like a manly man. You want to be a manly man, don't you?"

Natty smiled up from her half eaten bowl of chicken salad. "He wants to, but lacks the ability."

Ash jumped up with a defiant "do too" and was immediately punched in the jaw by the redhead, knocking him sideways. Then, a second fist hit his temple, knocking him out. While she waited for him to recuperate, she shook her hands loosely, giving them a tight squeeze shut now and then, before the boy stumbled back onto his feet. He held his head and looked around baffled.

"_That's _physical abuse, not comedic." She and Natty exchanged half hidden smiles. "Well, it's not _technically _comedic, but a few people might find it funny, and it will leave a lingering effect. It's something that doesn't last only a second, but gets carried around with you until you're a very good psychiatrist, and get some very good meds."

Ash made a small whimpering sounds. "Where's Pikachu and my Mommy?"

"They've died Ash," Misty said bluntly. "I ate them."

His brown eyes went wide and he dropped to his knees, throwing out his arms and a very novella-like, "(upside down question mark) Por que?" before curling up in his orb of self hate and doing his raincloud emo bit.

"Y'know, I think the emo children learned it from pokémon. Watch the episode where he catches a krabby, _total _emo kid when they mock him."

"So, now this is _emotional _abuse, which is the only other type you're likely to use in fanfiction. No, people won't get like this for stupid reasons." She pinched the bridge of her nose to fight off the incoming headache. "If Ash calls me a runt or I call him stupid, we will not began to sob. That's stupid. Real emotional abuse is doing this to the point that the other believes it and it hurt, it's not teasing, which it always is with us. Ash and I were never hurt by our arguments. However, if I pried into his deepest insecurities and used those to keep him away from everything he loves, that's emotional abuse. I hope that explained the difference. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think we're going to have a repeat of yesterday."

Misty raised her foot above Ash's head and you tried to figure out whether to gag or laugh at the sound of Ash's scream a sickening crunch, and the rousing chorus of Weasel Stomping Day.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: …It's fun to hurt Ash. No, but really, there's a difference in abuse and comedy. If they're fine, that's not abuse. Also, if you want legitimate reasons for breaking up a couple, go online and google what makes an abusive relationship. Learn to tell the difference. And, no, a character will never be traumatized by hammerspace. However, if you get a real, metal hammer and bash his head…

And, a little curiosity from a TV commercial: how crazy do you have to be to count the calories in Tic Tacs? Really? That you have to cut out the sugar? Because I'm pretty sure that isn't aimed at diabetics…

Poor quality, I know, but I've got so much work to do...


	26. Can't Do It

**Really busy. Ridiculously short. Sorry.**

Can't Do That

"I know you like him," teased May with a terrible gleam in her eyes. "You should tell him."

"Oh, no," Misty cried. "I couldn't ever tell him. I love him ever so much, so terribly much, but we're such close friends. If I ever told him it would mean the torturous destruction of our friendship, our friendship that I've spent years perfecting. You see, I've actually homegrown my friends, carefully cultivating so they're perfectly matched to my personality. That's why Ash and Brock are so wonderful. I've groomed them to be so."

"But you should take the risk!" May insisted. "You have to tell Ash!"

"Tell Ash what?" Ash asked.

"Misty loves you!" she said joyfully.

Misty sighed, slowly got to her feet and crossed the room, locking the door behind her black haired friend. Her tongue clicked slowly, and she pulled out her trusty handgun. She used the gun to round them up against the wall, giving a little giggle when they attempted to protest or make some attempt at escape. Two warning shots were fired, one into the ceiling and the other through a window that sent down glass and sliced into May's neck.

"I told you he couldn't know, May, that you shouldn't do that. You'll have to pay the price for that one."

Her eyes hardened as she leveled the gun. Yet, somehow, she figured even if she went to jail for this it would all be okay. At least she wouldn't lose a friend.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I'll say it's about not being say dramatic with the whole "but it'll ruin my friendship" thing. There kinda isn't one…I've just come across so many fics that say something like "I can't let you do that" and it seems so weirdly dramatic.

It's also an example of irony.


	27. Younger

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

Younger

Mew, she was gorgeous. Her brown hair flowed down to her lower back, loose because he had stolen the rubber band. It was so much prettier loose. That heart shaped face, a little rounder than most with the shape, medium sized brown eyes with little flecks of green, green that would grow on some sunny days and completely cover the iris. Thin lips, straight nose that went a little bulbous at the end, and subtle cheek bones sealed the deal.

He sighed dreamily, and she raised an eyebrow in his direction.

"Are you okay?" she asked slowly.

"You're pretty."

She frowned and went back to brushing her Rapidash, curry comb moving in small, quick circles over the pale coat. The horse type snorted and began to nuzzle into her hair, and she fought off a giggle, smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Brock, that isn't funny."

"It wasn't a joke," he said, catching her wrist. "You're amazing! You're gorgeous in every way! Long hair, beautiful eyes. I wish you and I could take this Rapidash and ride off into the sunset!"

Her other hand came up and smacked him, darting behind her pokémon with a stubborn, "I can't date until I'm sixteen! I…crap. I'm over sixteen. Well, I'm not ready to date, alright? I'm not the dating type! Not to mention you're eighteen and where I come from that's a special kind of rape. Just go back to wherever you came from and leave me alone! All I want is to take care of my pokémon. I didn't come here for romance! Well, I didn't come here for anything." She frowned to herself. "It was an unfortunate copy and paste incident. I was supposed to appear in my favorite anime and, well, I forgot that pokémon was an anime. I thought I was going to be a little fairy and learn about Japanese culture."

"Your eyes shine like stars!" Brock cried.

"Stay away from me, you freak! I'm a commitophobe! I can't commit to anything! Not a relationship, nothing! Plus, I'm terrified of any thought of potential physical interaction due to my low self esteem and belief that any boy would be chased off within the first four minutes of a date!"

"But you're so beautiful!" Brock protested.

"You do realize I'm _sixteen_?" Natty asked.

The boy stopped in his tracks, pulled a face, and turned abruptly around. The sudden attraction he had felt vanished with the wounding fact that she was certainly not older than him. Granted, when he first saw her he figured she might have been twelve, but for some reason he had been possessed to believe she was older. At least he hadn't fallen for that sorry excuse for jail-bait.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Brock doesn't go after girls younger than him. –snickers- But I'm gonna write a believable fic where he falls for one his age!

In depressing news, I could have caught a shiny slowpoke, and it fainted! –sobs-


	28. At First

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

At First

_Their very first thoughts…slightly paraphrased…_

_Pokeshipping:_

Ash: My hero! I'm so glad I'm okay! For the first and only time in the show ever I'm actually thinking about me before Pikachu!  
Misty: I was really hoping for a Gyarados to help tame my fear...Oh! Cute little pikachu!

_Advanceshipping:_

May: Holy crap! That kid just jumped off a cliff!  
Ash: Pikachu will be okay. I love Pikachu. My arm kinda hurts, but Pikachu didn't mean to bite me so it's cool.

_Gymshipping:_

Misty: That's a big Onyx. Ash is screwed. He should have borrowed my pokémon. Bet he thinks about me like my sisters do. I bet _Brock _doesn't take his siblings for granted. He's _nice. _…Why does this gym feel like a place of evil?  
Brock: Did Mom have another…oh, no. That's the girl that Dad the Hobo said was stalking Ash. I hope my plan to resurrect mother works. I don't miss my soul much, not really. Besides, the devil already bet me that if this Ash kid somehow finds a way to win without me letting him I'll get my soul back. No way that's going to happen. Rocks don't conduct electricity, moron.  
Ash: I won't lose! I've abused my Pikachu to maximum power! …Why does this gym feel like a place of evil?

_Contestshipping:_

Drew: Man, I'm so glad newbies suck. I'm creaming this competition.  
May: Oh no! The plate's going to hit him in the head! I can't get in trouble, not while I'm on parole! Duck! Duck!  
Ash: I wonder if Pikachu would be able to catch a plate. That kid has green hair! Pikachu would look cool if he was green.

_Comashipping:_

Paul: Why didn't my pokeball work? Oh, crap, pedestrians. Don't they know that I'll stab them? _You should eat their flesh, Paul_. Not now, Cara! I'm putting my angry face on! Gawd, this imaginary girlfriend is so annoying. One more crack out of you and this is over!  
Ash: Nope. Not Pikachu. I miss Pikachu. On the bright side, Brock and I are gonna have a new bitch to pimp soon! We always get a new bitch when we lose Pikachu!

_Pearlshipping:_

Dawn: Score! Not screwed! A tight, short skirt will always bring men running in time of need!  
Ash: -sniffle- Pikachu? Pikachu! It's you! My love, how I've missed you! Until Brock and I need a new bitch I'll never let you go again!

_Ikarishipping:_

Dawn: Haha! My miniskirt powers have drawn another man to my trap! Wait! He's not looking at my miniskirt! Oh my _gawd! _What's the world coming to?  
Paul: Why does Ash get a whore? I never get a whore. I get hit on by a lot of guys though. I think it's because my hair is purple and that's supposedly the gay flag color, whereas rainbow is gay pride. That sucks. I should die my hair black, but people already thinking I'm emo…oh, gees, I'm already walking up to Ash. Gotta say something cool. _Eat his flesh_. Cara! We are _over!_  
Ash: Now that I have Pikachu, I shall defeat him. Brock said that our new hoe comes with cheerleading abilities, so that should help…

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I'm pretty sure none of them were exactly falling in love. They all met in high stress situations, and they were all too preoccupied thinking about Pikachu, bargains with the devil, parole, miniskirt powers, and voices to really think about much else.

And, just for funsies, next time you watch pokémon, dub their thoughts with Ash's obsession with Pikachu, Paul's voice(s), Brock selling his soul to resurrect his mother, and Dawn's miniskirt powers. It's fun!


	29. Medic

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

Medic

Arbok was bored. Very bored. It led a dull life, eating ratatas and other arboks. Those others were quite tasty. When he was an ekans, all he wanted to do was to evolve but now…what was his purpose? Life was empty. AS being an empty void, he decided to commit suicide and use a Poison Sting attack on a tall, white male with a headband out of the eighties. Hopefully, someone would step on his head. A redhead did so, gently at first, then enthusiastically, continuing to do so until long after its death.

"Anti-venom!" Ash cried wildly, waving his arms around. "We need anti-venom!"

"Anti-venom?" Misty repeated in disbelief, shaking her head, stopping her pulverizing of the corpse. "No. You see, anti-venom would be ordinarily used for a snakebite in the real world, but this is poison. We would have to call poison control or something like that. It's not a venom type, it's a poison type. Though venom is a type of poison, poison is a much broader category. Besides, it's not like it's going to kill him. Make him faint at best. Jees, it's pokémon. Things don't die here. Not 'less you smash 'em!"

And she went back to her jumping.

Minimoral: They don't have venom, they have poison, and stop acting like it's the end of the world. They basically have sprays and injections that can cure paralyzing, frostbite, burns, and poison. And saying that they don't have potions and healing things with them? With _Brock _there? Yeah, they better lose their backpacks in a river first.

**

* * *

**Ash looked down rather depressingly at his broken leg, as did Misty and Brock. No one was quite sure what to say. His leg was bent at a weird angle, bone jarring out, and yet he wasn't screaming. After a minute or two of cringing and sobbing, he just sort of stared. No one really knew what to do at this point, and certainly not went Ash got to his feet with a triumphant yell. Everyone, villain included, gawked at the leg Ash was standing on just fine.

"How are you doing that?" Brock gawked, pointing.

"Adrenaline," Ash said proudly. "And the magic potion Misty gave me earlier!"

Misty smirked to herself and nodded slowly. "Aha! Drunk Zone. The magic potion was beer. That makes sense. These kind of things only make sense when you're drunk."

Minimoral: Ash is amazing, but be mindful of what people can and can't do with certain injuries. Logic is a writer's best friend.

**

* * *

**"May," Max asked his sister slowly. "Didn't you break four ribs and puncture your lung last night?"

"Yeah?" she shot back, doing push-ups.

"And you're able to do this?"

She stood up and shrugged. "Got turned into a newt too. I got better."

Minimoral: Don't forget about people's injuries and magically make them better. Time skips _are _okay, as long as they're logical and not obviously thrown in. Makes sure you loosely cover the time, explain that they did a lot of physical therapy and the healing process went well.

**

* * *

**Ash shot the gun, the bullet launching through the man's shoulder. Human, not supernatural, the man somehow managed to plunge forward. Scowling, Ash shot again. Still the man moved over. Four more shots to empty the cartridge and still he kept walking forward without a care in the world.

Finally, irritated, Misty grabbed a machine gun and shot him until he was barely there, and his flesh was plastered against the wall. Unknowing of the boys' horrified looks, she blew the top of her gun, sighed happily, and said, "Shoulda gone down in one, but I solved that problem!"

Minimoral: When people get shot, they go down. Getting shot _hurts, _dammit! It's not like video games when you have to be hit several times. One generally takes you down. Ignore Hollywood.

**

* * *

**"Ash got better from his terminal disease!" Brock said merrily, holding up an inflatable Ash.

Max raised an eyebrow. "First of all, if it's terminal he can't get better. That's the opposite of the definition, pretty much. If you get a terminal disease, you're going to die. Second of all, everyone can tell that isn't Ash, Brock. I know you two had a thing going, but the denial you're showing is just creepy."

Brock glared. "_He. Got. Better._"

Minimoral: If someone has a disease you've been ranting about how impossible it is to get better from, they better miraculously discover a cure for everyone. Pure love doesn't make illness better. Are you going to tell me the hundreds of men and women and children that sob when their love ones die simply didn't love that person enough? No. Luck is one thing, cured by love is quite another. People die if it's terminal.

**

* * *

**"Ash died," Misty said mournfully. "The doctors did everything they could, but they couldn't save him."

Dawn blinked twice. "But…he just had a cold."

Misty slammed the bloody machete into the ground at Dawn's feet, malice in the redhead's eyes. "The doctors did everything the could, but they couldn't save him, _right _Dawn?"

She gulped. "Totally."

Minimoral: People don't randomly die. Explain it, take about their final moments. Time skipping ahead doesn't work out well at all, it leaves the readers confused.


	30. Intelligence

Intelligence

"One times one is one," Ash chanted quietly. "Two times two is four. Three times three is nine." He began to rock with the rhythm in the cold, dark room, getting more and more nervous as the numbers got bigger, almost screaming by the time he reached, "Nine times nine is eighty one! Ten times ten is one hundred!"

The voice was icy in his ear and he shivered. "Attaboy, Ash. You're such a quick learner. Always involved in pokémon and never tried to flex those learning muscles. It'd be a pity if I let them go to waste. Don't you want to move onto science, Ash? Do you want to stay in math? I'm going to let you choose this time." She chuckled. "There's no wrong answer on this one, babe."

"I…I wanna stay in math," he whispered, eyes staring blankly ahead. "I want the multiplication tables."

"Why do you want to do that, Ash?" she asked, laying a hand on his shoulder. His mouth fell open, but the words somehow managed to stay stuck inside. She began to grip his shoulder tight at his lack of response, white teeth shining in the dark as her lips pulled away in a snarl, nails digging into his skin. "I asked you why do you want to-"

"The pattern," he said quietly, vacant eyes flashing in fear before closing. "I like the pattern. I know the pattern. I can do that. I can't do the other stuff. I don't like the learning. I just want to be a trainer, ma'am, that's all. I want to be a trainer I…I'm starting to get sick of the pattern."

The twelve year old screamed as the metal rod collided with his side, a rib making a sickly crunching sound. "You're an intelligent young boy, Ash!" A blow hit his back, and the rod clanged against the floor as she cast it aside. "You're a smart kid! I've seen you battle!" A knife in his stomach. "Now, say it! I know you can! Say the damn table! Say it!"

He curled on the floor, hot blood pouring as he whimpered: "One times one is one. Two times two is four…"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I'm the first to admit that Ash isn't stupid or has a low IQ. Before the later seasons took early Ash and beat him with an after school special stick, Ash was quite witty. He didn't have a lot of knowledge behind him. Not book smart, but mostly street smart except for a few plot devices, like Team Rocket and their disguises being magically unnoticeable. Long story short, this is the only way to teach Ash about school. If you're gonna do it, I want to see it.  
-raises hand- I have been guilty of this.

Why do I keep writing dark? I really don't know…


	31. Eggs

Eggs

"Pikachu is pregnant!" Ash cried joyfully, dancing into the room. He began to sing a song for a while, and Misty idly looked up, before sighing and glaring back down at her magazine. "Yay! She was knocked up by some neighbor Raichu that we'll never meet, though why it's always a Raichu is beyond me, and I'm _totally _okay and not disappointed at all by the fact that I can't ensure the babies' health through selective breeding and lost a whole bunch of money I could have made by selling Pikachu and her baby making parts! Hooray!"

"So, Pikachu had an egg?" Misty asked, popping up the recliner in the chair and leaning back.

"No! She's pregnant," Ash chirped, beginning to spin in a happy circle. He began a merry chant about being pregnant, spun a little too long, threw up, and returned with the happy go lucky smile once again. "I'm going to be a Daddy, not biologically or anything, but I'll raise it like my very own! Wait, we covered the 'it' thing already. He. She. Them. Oh! What if there are a bunch of babies! Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

"Please, Ash, the only things that are born live are people in the pokeworld. All pokémon come from eggs." She looked around carefully. "Huh. Well, we could bring out science mumbo jumbo and have Natty bounce out, but I think she's scared to touch this one. I think she owns this rule by this point. If she was here, she'd probably tell us that she made that rule her bitch, and so she did, explaining it all away."

Ash grinned. "So, if the author herself has completely destroyed the rule in a way that inspired big word reviews and the word awesome, what's the moral?"

"The moral is break any rule you want, any rule at all, but you better be ready to take the risk and get the flames if your explanation doesn't rock. And, also, Natty's good enough at finding loopholes to make canon her little whipping boy."

"Cocky today, isn't she?"

Misty sighed. "She got a really nice review."


	32. Argument

There's "sexy" involved, but, since I tried to write it funny instead of sexy, it sort of came out in the middle where it wasn't hilarious, and wasn't all that sexy. Darn.

Argument

"You guys should be careful," Brock scolded absently, turning a page in his book. It was a sunny day, a happy day. Birds were singing, mightyena were cornering annoying beasts like buneary and ripping their ugly bunny heads off (not that anyone minds, not on a subconscious level that makes you unknowingly despise buneary) and it was all a wonderful picture. "You know what happens when boys and girls argue too much, don't you?"

Ash frowned at the dark skinned boy, wondering if he was being tricked (once again). "Is this another one of those rule where your face doesn't actually freeze like that? I didn't make faces at anyone for a year and that was during prime face making time! I'll never get that year back! Instead I have to settle for making twice the amount of faces at Misty, and she doesn't even care anymore." He sighed sadly and scuffled his feet in the dirt.

"Worse," Brock laughed. "If a boy and girl argue too much, especially when they're in the midst of puberty like you two, Cupid may stop by and pay a visit. You two will have a whole lot of fun together, and you won't ever want to stop. Then, the next week, Misty will be angry because you aren't there to comfort her and Ash, you'll be agitated because she's not putting out. You have another fight, then make up in a very special way. Then, Misty is going to have to take a very small pill to hopefully prevent any problems because you forgot to use a condom."

"Mom made me put on a condom," said Ash, revealing more than most would want to know. But, that wasn't the end of that story, he continued onto something that would give all but the most obsessed fans (and the author, who apparently has lost all reaction to sex and things of a sexual nature as her innocence committed suicide (off a cliff, of course)). "Putting it on felt weird, but peeling it off really hurt. It yanks out hair. I don't want to use a condom."

"Don't worry. You'll never get to," Misty snickered.

"Hold up," Brock shouted. "Now, let's just prove my point and get it over with. I remember earlier, Misty said she was hot. Ash calmly disagreed and no argument came from that. I need you to go back to that moment and argue. That should put an end to it."

The redhead blinked. "You want us to…argue about the weather?"

He grinned, an almost frightening grin. "That wouldn't get the job done, now would it? No. You have to argue about it being hot. If you two aren't going to fall in love during an argument or at least fall in lust during an argument, this'll be the one to prove it. I have a feeling that this might be more interesting then my book." He set the object down to prove it. "Begin."

Misty shifted from foot to foot, unsure of what to say. The weather wasn't typically something they argued, and they had never been ordered to argue before. They had been ordered to stop, but she wasn't sure if she could do this on command. She made an attempt of, "It's really hot out today."

Idly, Ash shrugged. "I don't think it's hot. Maybe you're going through an early menopause and having hot flashes. I wouldn't mind if you couldn't have kids."

Misty crossed her arms defensively. "For you information, normal people would think today is hot. Normal people are looking for shade and water because it's boiling! Everybody is soaked from head to toe with sweat!"

"You're not sweaty."

"I am too! I'm soaked!" The anger flickered on and off in her eyes, and her next words were nervous, and quiet, "I'm all sweat because it's so…hot."

"I'd a little hot," he replied. "I'm starting to sweat."

"And…and it's so hot I'm having trouble breathing," Misty stuttered, and indeed, she was. Her chest was painfully tight and each breath was shorter, more ragged as time passed. Her heart attempted to free its shrinking cage, fluttering wildly in is desire for freedom.

"Yeah," said Ash, attempting to settle his churning stomach. "I…I bet that's just because it's muggy, not because it's…it's…"

"Hot," gasped Misty, taking in a quick breath in right after. "It's so hot."

"I guess it's-" Ash gulped.

"Ash, I'm so hot," she said, and then, a little more desperately, "Ash, I'm so hot."

"Then maybe-"

She closed the distance and started the kiss, and it wasn't long before the two were rolling on the ground, hot, sweaty, an the most important part: horny.

**(PAGE BREAK)**

Moral of the Very Unmoral Story: Although an argument can lead to a kiss, you need major background and major setting to perfect that. If not, it's just stupid. If your characters have argued a million times before, what makes this time different?


	33. Blush

**Idea from: Chocolate Berry**

I'd like to apologize, the last two chapters were submitted by Ketchum Kid and crystal elements respectively. Due to a horrible incident with my document, several names were deleted though I have the ideas. I have no idea who suggested characters OOC blushing. If this was yours, let me know.

It also falls into the 'lovey Paul' category. So, whoever suggested that one, just let me know.

Blush

Paul is currently putting a tomato to shame. Oh, yes, they put up a brave fight. The apples and peppers tried their best, those big red peppers, Red Delicious apples (and one very shamefaced Granny Smith), but were cast aside. May ripped off her shirt in an attempt to fight for the cause, but that didn't word either. Natty ran over with "Eldest", a bright red top, a small red box, her coat, and finally a red scented marker, but nothing could beat that color, those ruby red cheeks. Face cheeks, not the nether regions kind.

Ash sniggered, "Yeah, Paul, I totally embarrassed you with a 'your mom' joke!"

"Dawn's gonna be the mom of his children one day!" May said, smiling wide when his face turned redder, eyes bulging out of his head. "Ooh! He does like Dawn!" May giggled. "Come on, Natty, I need a girl's help on this!"

The other brunette looked up from her pack of scented markers, feeling slightly light headed and gave a rather boyish bark of 'little pansy wimp face'. Then, she got to her feet, marched over, and gave Paul a huge kick in the shin. Only a moment later, and she was back snuggling with her markers, wondering if they would work to make her pokeballs look a little different, because she couldn't for the life of her remember which was which and figured a color coding system might help.

They all sent up a chant of Dawn likes Paul, when suddenly, the boy keeled over, choking and gagging. Mouths dropped open, horrified looks were shared, and Ash and May began to run around with like little screaming, wild, giant fairies with the same high pitched voices fairies are often categorized by, saying things about dying of embarrassment.

Natty blinked slowly, then nodded to herself, the comment going unheard: "Black square berries, _definitely _poisonous."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: First of all, people don't blush at really, really stupid things. Your insults are generally not that good. If they're witty, clever, involve REAL swear words, or hurtfully true, _that's _a good one. However, I've also seen fics (and published stories) where people get embarrassed when people say things like, "your mom has cancer!" and people laugh. Who the hell does that? Really? I'm pretty sure people don't laugh at that, nor do they get embarrassed. They cry because _their mother is dying_. And, the second part, there are certain characters who will never blush. Paul is not one of them. Do you know why? Well, with ice water for blood, it's physically impossible for him to do so.


	34. Winner

Winner

"Yay! I win _again_!" Ash said proudly. "I beat the Elite Four!"

"Shut _up_, Ash," Misty moaned.

"And I beat Giovanni with a _Pikachu _and he specializes in _ground _types."

"Shut _up_, Ash," she moaned again, Brock joining in the chant.

"_And _I caught a Ho-Oh."

"Ash!" Brock shouted as Misty leapt off the mattress. "We don't care about your stupid game!"

And Misty tackled him into the bed, trying to smother the boy with a pillow while Brock tried to drag her off.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Yes, Ash wins. Ash _should _win when battling your n00b, Mewtwo catching trainer. However, keep things real. Judge the battle on who should logically win. If you make them speshul snowflakes, you're going to look stupid. _No _speshul snowflakes. No. Just…no.


	35. Pokemorphs

**To all reviewers, kinda important for next week's set: **Did you all miss your minimorals? Well, they're back again and I've got a very special mission for all of you. Was there a section of this that you really liked? Maybe Kenny eternally dreaming of Dawn's love? If there is something you'd like to see return, let me know. Next week is Request Week (isn't ever week Request *shot*). All requests are taken during this chapter. Only this chapter. So get those requests in now!

Pokemorph

"I turn into a Raichu!" the girl chirped, gorgeous ocean blue hair flowing in the wind, watery blue eyes…watery. 'I can also turn into a vaporeon! Which is why I'm so water like. Did you know I love water? I love water more than Misty, who will never be mentioned and doesn't actually love water. She _never _swims on the show."

"Uh-oh," Ash sang, smiling. "Just like a game show, you just hit a whammy. Not only did you insult Pikachu's gal pal, Misty, but you turn into a Raichu. Pikachu isn't against clichés but…she sure is anti-Raichu."

Indeed, the little yellow creature was practically foaming at the mouth. Her ears back, teeth bared, eyes rolling with rage. All her hair stood up, all over, making her look twice her size. She charged a strong electric attack, released it and left the mostly water type twitching on the floor.

MiniMoral: These are all based on the suggestions, because I don't read pokémorph fics and don't know. Apparently, pokémorphs have a thing with Raichu. My advice? Look at the personality in Mystery Dungeon or the natures of the pokémon you catch in S/P.  
My other moral in this comes about from confusion. Why do Misty haters keep saying Misty doesn't love water? I don't like May, and I don't say she's not really a fan of contests. As far as we can tell, Misty lives in a house with a giant pool, which she's pretty much always around, in, or coming out of. Yeah. So, anyway, the arguments is generally "she never swims" (because every episode provided a chance to relax in the ocean, it's not like she was busy with Ash and Brock and a journey, or anything) or "she loves water types" (oh yes, I love fire types. Their flames freak me out though, not a big fan of fire. How does this compute?).

**

* * *

**Pikachu was crying. She had just been turned into a human girl. She was naked, double D's bouncing and making her back ache. Long, blonde hair fell down to her back, somehow smooth and untangled despite the turmoil and the filthy woods surrounding her. Her honey colored skin was hairless, smooth, and flawless. Her brown eyes, filled with tears, were warmer than the sun. She was a gorgeous girl, flawless in every way, so why Ash screamed when he walked in would be beyond most.

"Who are you?" he asked, grabbing for a pokeball.

"It's _me _Ash," she whispered. "It…it's Pikachu."

He pulled a face, not a happy one. "But she's a pokémon!"

"Someone must have cursed me!" she wailed. "I'm hideous! You'll never want me again. Oh, no, how could this happen? Our relationship has been wonderful, Ash. I know you won't want me now that I look like this."

He took her hands in his. "Oh, Pikachu, I could never hate you! A man could never ask for more! A friend, a companion, never loved you for your body, I loved you for what made you…you. It was your personality that made you that made you beautiful, not your form."

"Oh, Ash!" she proclaimed, squishing her unattractive chest to his. "I could never ask for a better friend but…but…how are we going to continue our lovemaking?"

Ash frowned for a moment, considering. "Well, Misty's a heterosexual girl. I'll just ask her where to put it. Or maybe you should. Yeah, you ask her, and see if you can pick up some tricks.

She crossed her arms, leaning back. "Yeah, because a new species _totally _isn't spicing it up, perv."

MiniMoral: If you're going to have Ash fall in love with his pokémon, remember he's falling love with a pokémon. He's attracted to pokémon. A naked girl is by no means a "pleasant" surprise.

**

* * *

**"What glory!" proclaimed Ash. "I've turned into a pikachu! Now I may frolic and laugh with my Pikachu and we will become closer to one another and be even better friends!"

The mouse grinned. "Come behind this bush for a second, Ash. I've got something to show you."

"Is it a battle?" he asked hopefully.

"…It's fun like a battle," she said slyly.

_Tell me something good…tell me that you like it, yeah…_and a few other sex related songs later, a somewhat drunken, joyful Ash began to come out of the bush, stumble, and fall with a happy sigh. Pikachu, meanwhile, content in her sexual abilities, peacefully slept. She wasn't as thrilled as the other but it had been a good time. She hoped he didn't get attached, because that would be rather awkward. She wanted this thing over ASAP.

Ash turned human and cried, "Oh no! I'm human! Pikachu, do you still love me?"

She opened one calm eye. "We're so not doing it anymore. That ain't gonna fit."

"Not!" he cried angstfully. Then, in his ultimate sadness, ran off to find the nearest cliff, which was nowhere to be found as it had just committed suicide a few minutes before.

MiniMoral: Be creative, do something special with it. It's just illogical that all they did was sleep together and suddenly they're madly in love. Ash and Pikachu were merely pieces of ass to one another. They can find others. Jees, man, just build a legitimate friendship in their new forms first.

**

* * *

**Ash cackled madly, flexing in the mirror at his newfound muscles. He was suddenly ripped, scrawny body now filled with powerful abdominals, calves, and thighs. He was one extraordinary human specimen, but he wasn't human anymore.

"So…" Misty mused to herself. "You've got the physical attributes of pokémon, right? A pikachu?"

"Oh yeah!" he said, flexing again.

"You do know that the human penis is pretty much one of the largest proportionally? Largest of all the apes, at least. So if you've got a Pikachu's physical…do you think your dangle isn't dangling anymore?"

The boy froze, and quickly looked inside his pants with a horrified squeak. "Oh! Unfrickencool!"

MiniMoral: -giggles- Ash isn't having a good sex day? Anywho, we need some explanation to the giant muscles, and if you're going to go for muscles, I'd recommend you'd got for Rapidash. A horse type. –snicker-

**

* * *

**Brock began to sob. "I don't wanna be gay! I can't handle that much emotional pressure!"

Ash glared, still looking down his pants. "Yeah, well, at least your brand new boobs are big. Nothing on me is big anymore. Major bummer."

"You win."

MiniMoral: If Brock turns into a girl, he's still going to like girls. That or his personality will take a very radical change.

**

* * *

**Misty and May high fived, running into the mirror. They were now busty, at least C cups, hips flaring from narrow waists and long, gorgeous legs. About as long as their hair. They looked like supermodels.

"We're gorgeous!" cried Misty.

"Like models!" agreed May. "Supermodels!"

"I just need to do one thing," the redhead chuckled, picking up a pair of scissors. She slid them through her hair, long locks turning into a short, stylish cut. A second later, it grew out long. It was Misty's turn to fall to the ground and sob.

MiniMoral: Radical changes in appearance aren't always accepted. Think about how they would feel if they liked the way they looked.

**

* * *

**All across the land, girls and gay boys wept. They screamed to the skies, rolled on the ground, attempted meaningless sex to brighten their day, but nothing worked. There was nothing to do but mourn…mourn that Gary was now hideously ugly.

MiniMoral: If the ugos turn pretty, than the pretty people should, in theory, turn amazingly gorgeous.

**

* * *

**And, just for funsies, legitimate reasons for good morphing choices.

Misty: Gyarados. Water type. Temper. Tough. Pretty much always badly portrayed in a fic, unless written by a fan, in which case they'll generally be so nice it's OOC anyway. She has _nothing _in common with a peaceful, docile Vaporeon. Plus, the show said so.  
Ash: Bellsprout. Due to the show where they had the pokepersonality book and...Honestly, it's a real episode.  
Max: Abra. Shows beginning signs of intelligence. Evolves into something smart. Adorable. Can't do much.  
Brock: Onyx. Associated with sex a lot. Stony. Tall. Always there but generally showed as an easy way out plot device.  
Dawn: Is not a piplup. Piplups are cocky little bringers of evil. Dawn isn't that bad. Don't insult Dawn like that. Innocent…cheerful…cute…skitty. Totally skitty.  
May: Innocent. Sweet. Eagerly walks into danger without realizing she's in danger. Togepi, but a nonevil one that doesn't suck the life energy from spunky female companions.

**

* * *

**


	36. Mine

**Idea from: Chocolate Berry**

Mine

"No!" Misty shrieked, clutching the pokeball. She was on her back, in the dirt, with Ash attempting to yank the thing out of her hands. She was helpless to do much else, a bit too miserable to try anything else than lie there and hope Ash would get tired of it. "I've suffered through _tons _of abuse, both from haters _and _fans and this is my damned reward! You let go of this and go back to Pallet, fatty!"

Ash sighed down at her. "Mist, you _can't _keep the vaporeon. The story is _over_. Just give it up and we can go to the next crap plot. We're getting paid a lot of money for this, plus the charity. Give up the vaporeon for the children."

"Screw the children!" Misty screamed, leaving the author worried that the next words would get her a few scathing reviews, but hopeful that all readers and reviewers would realize it was only a joke. "I'll inject them with AIDS for this thing! Do you know the _amazing _attacks it has learned, Ash? It's the most wonderful thing in the world. You already devolved Psyduck, just let me keep this. _Please_?"

Meanwhile, Dawn was beginning to panic. Paul was approaching her. No, hopeful Iakrishippers stand back, Dawn is not getting sweet Paul lovin'. She's merely nervous because she would love to keep that gorgeous articuno in her pocket and her hand clutched around the pokeball tight to prove it.

"Give it to me," he demanded, holding out his hand. For a moment, Dawn had a flashback to when her miniskirt powers had backfired and had had quite the wild night. "Girl, stop zoning out like I just asking you to multiply and give me the pokeball."

Dawn swung a hip at him, activating her miniskirt powers. "Why do you want that? Are you sure it's not me you're after?"

"I'm a soulless bastard," Paul explained, hand unmoving. "Give me the pokeball or I will bust a cap in your ass."

Dawn stared quietly, trying to figure out why that had sounded so sexy before shaking her head and summoning her back up plan. Kenny the love puppy sat by her feet, smiling as she scratched behind his ear. "Good _boy, _Kenny! What a good boy. Now, we went over this in training. Beg for me love." He immediately began to do so, hands in a prayer gesture and him on his knees. "Submit to my dominance." He rolled over on his back, smiling up at her. "And now the winner: Fight for my love, Kenny!"

Paul barely had time to yell "oh shi-" before Kenny leapt at him with a growl, pummeling the other while Dawn spurred him on with a baby talk encouraging voice that most would use when their puppy returned a ball.

And, finally, Cassie pouted while Natty began to lecture on how you better have your character using babynames dot com if you're using it yourself.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: The characters can't get every pokémon they dream of without you ever explaining where they come from. If, in the story, Misty travels to Hoenn and catches a Surskit, fine. But, if Misty randomly has a Surskit, without ever being to that region, where's the logic?


	37. AN

**What's My Deal With Shippings? **Well, as asked by Jarkes (who I thank for reviewing every chapter), I suppose a couple other people might be curious. My favorite shippings, things I would like and expect to see on the show based on likelihood and just my enjoyment are: pokeshipping, handymanshipping, contestshipping, and, until more hints are dropped for other shippings (aka, Dawn stops using boys as her slaves or Paul retrieves his soul from Davy Jones' locker) I'm going to have to stick with penguinshipping. Honestly, they only two I really believe are plausible are pokeshipping and contestshipping. This is for _me_. Other people believe in different shippings, and you know what? I'm _okay _with that. I love reading anyone paired up together. This is why this is open to _all _pairings.

You see, thanks to the very nature of the show, any romance in itself is Canon Rape. No, I'm sorry, but regardless of your pairing, until we get _actual _footage or confirmation from a writer/director/Tajiri-the-amazing-god-of-pokeland, all romance is null and void. Your couple is not special. I'm sorry. I'll be here if you need to cry.

**Apologize to Anabel's Character: **First off, I'd like to apologize if I rape Anabel's character because, frankly? I didn't really see one [character]. I don't want a long rant about how I'm jealous because pokeshipping is dead and I can't move on, because that's not it. I just like characters good or bad, that are developed. I watched both episodes several times, watched key scenes, and though I'm sure the Japanese version did a better job of it, in the English show she was…blah. It was terrible. She was there for two episodes and she was just a _power_. That was all you found out about her. She likes pokémon (wow, that's different) and can commune with them (which isn't the most common fanfiction power _at all_) and other than that…her lines weren't interesting and her voice (which CN did a terrible job with, but I don't blame her for sounding like a grown woman) wasn't expressive in the least, even when she spoke of having a crush on Ash.

I don't argue that the couple isn't plausible, or that pokeshipping is anymore so, as state in above rant. I just don't enjoy it because she was just plain boring. Characters without strong character on the show generally turn out to be cardboard cutout crap online. If someone could give me a few stories where she isn't a cardboard cutout and she's interesting, I will _gladly _read them. I want to read them. It's just…-sigh- I'm a little fed up with the new seasons and the state of most shows and books.

I firmly believe that Anabel could have been one of the most fascinating characters they had, because of her power. It was different in the sense that she got feelings and pictures than outright talking to them, which I think is marvelous. All it would have taken to make her better was to have her for five episodes, give or take, and let her develop. She would have been _great_. She could have saved Pikachu from Team Rocket by giving them direction from the pokémon in the forest. She could have been absorbed with pokémon and Ash drew her out of her shell with his bright and sunny personality. She could have rocked, and I will merrily read a fanfiction that does more justice to this potential character than the show dared to try.

Seriously, I know I have at least three AnabelxAsh shippers out there, who like it as their primary Ash pairing, and five who think it's okay, reading and reviewing (and commenting, ironically, how nobody is an abilityshipper). Tell me in your review good fanfics, and I will honestly read them.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Has the narration in the show _ever _outlasted the content? No. Don't do the same in your fics. This is yet another annoyance of mine, where the AN is literally longer than the story. This is fine in certain cases (anonymous reviews to be replied, apologies made, things like that), but mostly, it's just plain obnoxious. And no little scripts at the beginning and end-ohgawdCassieNO!

**Ash: Aw, I really liked Anabel!  
Anabel: -with an uncharacteristic girly giggle in her voice- Wow, thank you Ash! Let's kiss.  
Ash: -blushes-  
Misty: -with a lollipop- One…two…three…must…not…bite. –crunch- Curse you, infernal lollipop! The world will never know!  
Natty: …I really hate you Cassie.  
Me: omg I love this pairing I don't know how BSR could bash it omg!!!!eleven!turkey bacon!!!!1**

Yeah. Obnoxious, isn't it? _Cut it out._


	38. Future

**WARNING: I made an abortion joke in here. Some people can be touchy about that, so I'm telling you now so I don't get reviews about "how dare you joke about abortions". It's a joke, like dead baby jokes. I'm at the butt of the joke anyway, so let's all smile through it and remember it's a **_**joke. **_**And, yes, before anyone starts in on me, I'm well aware that I shall burn in hell.**

Future

"I'm your daughter from the future!" Natty said, waving her arms mysteriously at the two eighteen year olds.

Ash and Anabel glanced at each other, eyebrows raised, then back at the girl. For a long time they stood, all staring back and forth occasionally blinking so their eyes didn't dry out and burn. Finally, Anabel asked, "I thought you were Natty. About three years ago we were fifteen, you were sixteen, you challenged a Celebi to a pokémon battle even though we told you not to. Then you tried to catch it in a heavy ball."

The girl glared. "If I _was _Natty, who I'm not, I'm sure I had a perfectly valid reason for trying and I'm pretty sure this Natty girl is smart, so she probably was just using the ball she had on hand. But I'm _not _Natty, I'm your daughter from the future. When you grow up, you're gonna have _me!_"

Ash grinned. "So I take it you were sent back to promote abstinence, right?"

Anabel held back a laugh as she chimed in, "Maybe it's to prove prochoice really is the way to go."

Natty flushed a bright red. "That's _not _cool. You're an ass, Ash. No, I'm here to make you two hook up."

Anabel gave a chucked and shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "Alright, so you're stuck here until you figure out how to get back and you're going to bug us the whole time. I'll go talk to Celebi and see if she'll be willing to take you back in time."

"How do you know it's a girl?" Natty challenged. "Legendary pokémon can't breed and don't have genders. Has that radically changed? Can I now drop off a Ho-Oh and Entei at a daycare and breed baby Legendaries?"

"No," Anabel argued. "She looked like a girl and talks like a girl."

"You look like a man and talk like a woman, doesn't mean you're a hermaphrodite."

Ash glared. "What child talks to their mom like that?"

"_Your _mom," she shouted loudly, and before they could debate the topic, Natty scampered into their house and under the table, then proceeded to hiss, growl, and snap at any hand that dared to get to close. Sadly, Anabel's power did not extend to persuade people to do things, and Natty could not be brought out that way. As using pokémon attacks of the psychic, dark and ghost type are completely illegal, that was out as well, despite Ash's persistence that if Sabrina could use psychic powers to turn his friends into dolls and they turned out fine, that flinging Natty two feet out of the house would not kill her. And, if it did, he was pretty sure no one would care. Anabel did, however, and Ash could not command his pokémon to hurt the slightly off girl.

**

* * *

**"You have an affair with Gary, Ash. It's hot. I can still feel the trauma of walking in on you and him so, so many times. You were never on top, Ash. He dominated you so easily. I'm going to write about that in a fanfic, in the fanfic we're in right now. You're nothing. Anabel cried and Misty made over four thousand dollars in bets on your sexuality. You cannot believe how horrible life was when the press came out. You're a terrible father."

He shouted, "It's because I have a _daughter_ who is about to win the bitchiest kid in the history on the world award!"

"It's alright, Mommy Anabel already told me you're not really my father. I'll give you a hint – I'm half black."

"Go play in traffic."

"That's how your _real _son dies."

"Anabel!" he shouted, getting to his feet in a rage.

The girl laughed and came through the door, apparently joyful at her husband's misfortune. Future husband. Anywho, _everyone _finds joy at giggling at Ash's misfortune. It's impossible to do otherwise. He's just so easy to wish bad thing upon, the epitome of schadenfreude. After she finished her chuckling, Celebi whooshed in, giving Ash a big hug because _all _Legendaries love Ash. Ash is the Chosen One. Ash needs to get laid. Okay, well, at least get a little lip action. Just puttin' it out there. Needs to lose some innocence, is all. It's getting a little old.

"Celebi has decided to take you back in time."

"_Forward_," Natty argued stubbornly. "I'm your future bastard child. I'm going _forward _in time. I'm rather disappointed that I didn't achieve and you aren't breeding like rabbits at the moment. I should be vanishing soon. And no more abstinence Natty jokes. It makes me feel sad. As sad as I am that one of my favorite animes only lasted one season." She beamed ad said in a heavy Japanese accent, "Megaplayboy."

Ash glared. "You're an effin' loony toon."

"Perhaps," she granted. "But at least I'm not cliché."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: First off, it's a cliché. Ew. Second of all, this has never made any sense. Ever. Time travel paradox. If you have to go back in time to push your parents together, and they couldn't get together without you, then you wouldn't exist and therefore can't go back in time but it already happened so you do exist but you don't and 'round and 'round and 'round it goes! It's too complicated for us to work it out at the moment, and that's working with the assumption that time is a line, which Einstein is proving it's not, and can be warped by gravity. A black hole is so dense time stops. Seriously. Do some research and look at new theories, things have changed since Sci-fi first emerged.

…if anyone, and I mean _anyone_ gets that Megaplayboy reference off the top of their head, I'll write a fanfic for you. Dead serious.


	39. Cut You

"I'll fight you for him," May said, small voice shaking a bit.

She wondered how she could ever be considering…_this_. Not once has she been in a fight, not _once_. Not one that came to blows. Meanwhile, Misty had been in more fights than he had fingers and toes, and that was just in the past month. The redhead before her had a swimmer's body, shoulders a little wider than most, powerful arms and legs. A growth spurt had brought her to Brock's nose, and it was expected she would grow as tall if not taller than her sisters. She was a solid block of muscle, and the sheer amusement in her eyes when May issued the challenge gave the girl chills.

"You want to fight…me?" she asked, lips twitching up. "You do know I don't do catfights, right? I punch. I kick. I bite. I don't scratch. I don't slap and the only time I'll pull your hair is when I'm using it as a lever to snap your chicken bone neck. No offense meant. It's a beautiful neck. It's just thing."

"I can win," the girl argued, trembling as she pulled a knife from her pocket. "I'll…I'll cut you!"

"Aw," Misty crooned, laughing a bit as she set down her magazine. "_One _knife, baby? I've got three on me at the moment, a lighter in my pocket, and a gun in my bag. If we're going to live in a world where people fight with knives and guns rather than pokémon battles you better believe that I, the mother of all that is violent on this show, would be the best equipped."

"I…" May began, trailing off as she realized she had nothing to say.

"I don't know why people keep doing this to you, May. You're _not _a fighter. You're a sweet girl, a compassionate girl. People say they love you _because _you're that sweetheart. I don't know how their need to make you better than me can surpass their love of who you are. Challenge me to a contest, hell, a _beauty _pageant if you want! An eating contest! Stick to your domain! I wouldn't challenge you to a _brunette _contest. That would be stupid. Put down the knife and go home, May."

"But…I thought you were out to steal Ash from me."

She shrugged. "Nah, He's not worth it. Besides, I've always got gym and ego, so I'll be fine." She picked up her magazine and began to read once more. "Enjoy your idiot."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: _Why_? You love her because she's nice! Really, _why _are you forcing her to _fight? _Illogical! May is not a fighter. May is not going to challenge Misty. And, let's face it, if there's anyone in that show that could come out on top in any form of wrestling, boxing, it's the one that's criticized and hated, why? Because she's _violent_. My reason for enjoying the character of May was because she was the first genuinely sweet and sunny character. Yes, she occasionally had the amusing flash of anime anger, but we all know that she's not a rebel.

Rant Warning: Gosh darnit, there are times when I need a sweet character to work with and badfic writers are ruining it. And then, and _then _people have the nerve to complain that Misty isn't that violent or May is blah and Ash is blah and I only watched the first three episodes of the show then skipped to halfway through May joining up so I never saw Misty be a good character and never saw May be a bad one. It's the people like _that _that bug me, not that ones that saw the show and said "well, I like her because (legitimate reason with proof) and hate him because (legitimate reason with proof)". –kicks dirt- Anybody else fed up with this? Go ahead and share your story in a review or PM, I'd love to hear it.

Oh! And I'd like to thank the eighteen people who reviewed last chapter! That's amazing! Thanks so, so much!


	40. Dawn

Dawn

"So, I don't exactly know why people keep complaining about how I'm characterized," Dawn said idly, resting in her lawnchair. Kenny was snoring quietly next to her, curled up on a dog bed. She leaned to the side to scratch his head, then turned back to the camera. "I mean, I think I'm generally portrayed…like I am on the show, except for most of the romance fandom, but they could turn a cardboard cutout into a Mary Sue. If you grow me up, flirty turns to slutty or just really flirty, which you'll end up calling slutty anyway. My problem is that nobody bothers to expand on that other than…"

The camera swung to the brown haired girl. Natty, standing in her bathing suit, by the pool, face winkled up with concentration. "I put my bathing suit on to do _something_. What could I have put my bathing suit on for?"

The camera zoomed back in on Dawn, holding her head in her hands. "Mew, I wish this was a joke. But, yeah, that's the…that's an author. That's a cliché hating, Mary Sue killing author. In a bathing suit, by the pool, trying to figure out the connection. She's like the Dora the Explorer come to life to teach children to think…oh, _Mew_, she's singing again. Still, she thinks of me in an interesting way. Does Natty want to share?"

"I'm hungry," she decided loudly. "I want chocolate cake."

"You always do. Could you please-?"

"Dawn's sugar coated evil!" Natty said, throwing her hands up joyfully in the air. "She flirts and teases boys before contests, not to sleep with them, but to get them flustered so they lose. Yay, failure! She's all cute and sweet, and she is deep down too, yet she knows how to use her body to get what she wants." She bounced up and down with a big smiled, clapping her hands, then went into a dance while singing: "_When I watch you, want to do you, right where you're standing…_"

The camera turned away from the jamming girl, and there was Dawn, pinching the bridge of her nose to fight off a headache. Kenny had woken up, bouncing around her with puppy like glee, asking her out on dates and calling her Dee Dee. Dee Dee, however, had no idea what to say. She sat a very long time like that, then looked up, frowning. "I know that, to think simple, everything follows the same basic plot and is a cliché, and smart ass people will snicker and bring that up. But that doesn't change that this fandom lacks creativity, that character lack creativity and you need to expand."

Natty crawled up behind the lawn chair, smiling. "NBC, the more you know!"

"I hate her," Dawn whispered, holding her head. "We all really, really hate her."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I've gotten a lot of complaints from a lot of people, "Dawn's always made out to be a whore", "Dawn's slutty". Well, yeah. 'Cuz she acts like a whore. She's a wicked little tease. She's _ten _wearing a _miniskirt _and _flirts with boys_. I don't know about you, but when I was ten, I found out that what boys had did not match up with the parts I had, and they suddenly seemed amazingly disgusting. Sadly, in the common idea, Dawn is a whore, dear friends, but she most likely will not be easy. She will be a tease, no denying that. She knows what she wants and she's gonna get it, probably _will _sleep with a man for it. But that's in the far, far future. Not when she's ten. Stop making ten year old whores. Everything's tiny and it's icky.

You know, I never would have imagined that people would like Natty. But she's a SI so…I guess that means I have low self esteem. Ah well, if people like her, I'm all too happy to use her!


	41. Stockholm Syndrome

**Disclaimer: I don't own Speedo. Thank **_**goodness. **_**I don't own **_**Flowers in the Attic **_**either. I wonder if that book is still banned in some areas…?**

Stockholm Syndrome

**MONTH ONE**

"Oh, ew," Misty wrinkled her nose, wiping her eyes and waking up to the mansion room. She looked around, mouth dropping open in horror. "Ohmemew, it's decorated like the _eighties_! It's like my nightmare come to life! There's neon everywhere!" She looked down at herself and screamed, thrashing wildly on the floor as she struggled to take off her neon colored shoes and socks, flinging them across the room, then diving into the bed and hiding under the covers.

"Misty," called Ash's voice merrily, leaping through the door in a black Speedo and a cape. And Misty, as any person would do, felt her mouth drop open, her hand point and froze at the monstrosity she beheld. "I've captured you and brought you to this island, with waves crashing on the rocks, locked you in this room, all for no real purpose! Did you know this castle is _filled _with bitches for Brock and I to pimp? You're probably going to be here the longest though, because you're special."

She stared at the Speedo still, awkwardly muttering, "Can I…not…be special?"

"No, you're just special! It's who you are!" Ash said joyously. "I'm going to keep you here until you love me!"

She started laughing, rolling on the bed. "_Please_, not today! Cassie has to be the one who's writing this crap. Unless we get some major first season pokeshippers in here, there's no way I'm going to be thinking of you in any kind of romantic kick. Halfway through this story I'm sure she'll get fascinated with Dawn or Anabel or May and I'll get to leave the stupid and island and you'll be sleeping with them because they instantly fell in love with your…" She shook her head. "Okay, the Speedo totally freaked me out again. What were we talking about?"

"Cassie is being forcefully mentored by Natty." Ash smirked. "Though she would change the shipping if Cassie found a believable way to do it, I think this one is getting stuck out to the end. Stockholm Syndrome all the way."

Misty gritted her teeth. "But you're like a brother."

"I'm feeling very _Flowers in the Attic_."

"I hate you!" Then, she screamed and hid under the covers, muttering furiously about locking the bathroom door.

**

* * *

MONTH TWO**

He came in, not in a Speedo and cape today, but in jeans and a black t-shirt. There was a soft smile in her direction as she popped her head out from under the covers, gently setting down the tray full of food, saying quietly, "I got some of your favorites, Misty. There's chocolate cake for dessert too, lots of icing. I know it sucks to be here, and I promise I have my reasons for keeping you, but if I could, I would let you go. We've gotten to be really close friends."

She grabbed a buttered roll carefully, licking her lips with hunger. "Friends?"

"Sure," he said. "I mean, I don't hate you, I like you. We always help each other, we're good to each other. That's what friends are, right?"

"I suppose," she agreed carefully, raising the bread to her lips. "I suppose."

**

* * *

MONTH THREE**

Dear Rock-I've-Been-Scratching-On-As-A-Makeshift-Diary,

Ash came in wearing that black Speedo again. The Speedo still freaks me out, but his body is nice, good abs and stuff, sexy legs…he shaves them, which is cool, I guess. I don't think I'm attracted to him or anything, just noticing. I mean, he kissed me on the cheek and I totally slapped him.

**

* * *

MONTH FOUR**

"I'll eat it first, see?" Ash laughed, popping a powdered doughnut in his mouth. "No poison."

She grinned and ate one of her own, the two going through the dozen doughnuts in no time at all. Misty was licking her fingers clean when she was suddenly stopped. Ash pulled her hand away gently, leaning in and capturing her lips in his. He kept leaning forward until she was pinned to the bed, and she was eagerly pushing up, tangling tongues with the Speedo clad captor. Her shirt was halfway off when she broke away, frowning.

"I don't like you," she said firmly. "You know that, right?"

"But we can still have sex, right?" He kissed her neck lustfully.

"Well, yeah," she agreed, grinning a bit at the fun sensation. "But I don't _like _you."

**

* * *

MONTH FIVE**

"_No_, Officer Bob, for the last time: I came of my own free will. I don't want to press charges. I love Ash, really, really love him despite what most might say and I love our three beautiful children and…what's wrong with dressing up a little boy in a Speedo?"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Although this is a real state of mind (not a disease, states Wikipedia), the set up for it is always terrible. You never find out _why_. What, some creeper was walking around, gassed a girl and dragged her back to his castle? And the police don't have any kind of lead? (Well, it is the pokeworld and Officer Jenny isn't exactly...) How about Team Rocket left them on an island to die, and they end up falling in love through that? It's the pokémon world, so many options, and always so wasted. I'm pretty sure there is _nothing _you could do to make Ash steal a girl and lock her up in his castle, and I'm pretty positive that Misty would make an arrowhead from a nearby rock and slice him when he came in.

**If you think Greenfield looked better as "a bizarre crystal wasteland that obliterates the entire [scene]" , copy and paste this into your profile, including my name, robbers! –Bittersweet Romanticide **(Hugs if you get that reference. XD It's a pokémon one, promise.)

-stares at Shaymin- Can you say "Chia Pet"? XD And I go to make sure it's spelled right, see the commercial listing all the Chia Pets (including a tree), and one person in the comments cries "tree is my favorite animal!" Oh, Shaymin, you and your Chia Pet likeness never ceases to amuse…


	42. Shipping

Shipping (All mocked through the scenario of dinner)

_Pokeshipping_

They stood in the night, staring blankly at the burning pile of ash before them, and Misty quietly whispered to her husband, "I didn't know that the cleaners I used on the stove were flammable, and I didn't realize I had left the oven on for so long, and I didn't know that flower exploded under pressure."

Ash sniffled. "I miss my Jack-In-The-Box."

_Advanceshipping_

_All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel! The monkey thought it was all for fun! POP!_

Ash and May jumped with a happy scream. May clapped her hands at the joyful surprise as Ash closed the music box, getting ready for it to go again. All the while, the two told each other how amazing it was and how it was a surprise every time.

Meanwhile, Little Johnny in the kitchen was attempting to cook tinfoil wrapped dinner they had saved from the restaurant the night before…

_Contestshipping_

May frowned. "Why won't you eat my food?"

"Because your pokeblocks kill. I can only imagine what you've done with real food."

"Oh yeah? Well, why don't _you _cook?"

"…I don't cook. I flip my hair and dazzle fangirls, duh. What if I burn my hands?"

_Pearlshipping_

Dawn screamed. "Day after day I cook for you! I do everything for you! I make you your favorite meals, learn the right way to make them, I was practically an intern under your mother for months and you never repay me! All you do is sit there, sit there like a big, dumb oaf! And that song just stays stuck in my head, ground in there while I just keep screaming and screaming it to stop, but it never does! You never do!"

Ash didn't even look up. _All around the mulberry bush_…

"That's it!" she shouted, stomping her foot. "I'm staying with you because of your title, but I'm totally having an affair!"

_Abilityshipping_

Anabel grinned, watching her mindslaves cook fine wine for her. Then, she turned to her husband, frowning a bit. Her mind powers didn't seem to work on him, and his mind was getting harder and harder to read lately. Worrying about some kind of affair with someone like Sabrina, who was teaching him to shield his mind, she leaned close and fine tuned her powers, using as much as she could spare to break through.

And Ash, staring into the distance, had one thought to reveal it all: _All around the mulberry bush…_

"Oh," Anabel blinked, realization suddenly striking her. "He's an idiot. Guess it's time for mindslaves to become sexy slaves."

_Gymshipping_

"Dinner's great, Brock." Misty beamed.

He suggested lightly, "Wanna learn to cook?"

"No."

"Where's the kids? I called them down for dinner."

Misty's eyes widened. "Oh, _crap_. I keep forgetting they can't walk yet! You totally think they could swim and live okay in a bathtub for like, three hours, right? They're already four weeks old."

_Egoshipping_

"I like that you're rich," Misty said, feasting on steak.

"I like that you're hot," Gary replied, his eyes feasting on her naked body.

"I liked that you got a vasectomy."

The boy grinned bigger and repeated, "I like that you're hot."

_Ikarishipping_

"You can't cook for crap," Paul muttered.

"You can't fuck for crap," the girl retorted, and calmly forked another piece of chicken into her mouth.

_Comashipping_

"I hate you, Ash," Paul snapped.

"Right back at you." Ash twirled his forked in his fettuccine. "If you weren't so hot I wouldn't be cheating on Gary, and you'd be cold and alone."

_Palletshipping_

Gary walked in, proudly naked. "Let's go to the bedroom, Ash!"

The boy didn't look up, though he usually did and bounded into his lover's arms. No, instead he cranked the crank, joyfully singing, "_All around the mulberry bush..."_

**(PAGE BREAK)**

Moral of the Story: So I've been told about a few couples that, apparently, aren't canon. To be true, there is only one pairing that most consider to be (basically) canon, and that's contestshipping, and even _that _is not canon. There are no canon couples. Please, please, please _shut up _about it. "They dropped hints!" "The writers want them to be together!" The writers want your _money_. They drop the hints so you _watch_. It's not ever going to be about the romance, and if Ash ever does love a girl (aside from his mother, but we already covered _Flowers in the Attic_) it won't be until the very end of the anime.

I only covered the main shippings, obviously, there are more. I'm sorry I couldn't catch 'em all. -snickers, and is then shot-


	43. Crack

Idea: Lonewolf wanted Pikachu and ketchup related insanity, and somebody wanted unexplained plots (though I don't know because my document fritzed).

Crack

We open on a strange scene, though this collection has, on occasion, opened under far stranger circumstances. We can rest peacefully knowing that, this time, I've not some horrifying scene to replay. There are no guns, nor dying children, no fangirls, nor anything that might make your stomach turn, unless you don't like ketchup or DDR. That final statement may have you chuckling, a joke that will never be explained like half the statements from Pinky in the show Pink and the Brain. You're wrong about that. I won't leave you hanging.

The arcade was open, barely a hut with open sides. The hot summer wind blew amusement park smells about, fried cheese, burgers, cotton candy, and a faint water scent from the salt lake just beyond. Ash, Misty and Brock leaned on the DDR balance rail, watching Pikachu bounce around in an amazing display of rhythm that most could only dream of having. On the heavy level, feet flying, the little rodent never missed a single step. When all the songs were finished, she walked off like she had just single handedly brought down the apocalypse and cuddled a bottle of ketchup close for a victory kiss.

"Wow, Ash," Misty said in a loud, fake voice as she pulled out her script. "Pikachu sure can dance. Golly, I wish I could dance like that, and I wish I had a love like Pikachu with her ketchup! How did she learn to do that."

Ash glared at his script, holding it close to his face before turning to Brock and discussing the unbelievable line. With a groan, Ash muttered, "Golly gee, I don't know, Misty. Maybe I gave her that special dancing berry."

It was Misty's turn to speak, but the redhead had buried her head in the script, shoulders shaking. They weren't shake from tears, but from barely restrained laughter at the ridiculous line. Blushing, Ash pointed out her line with a smug grin, and the laughs turned to horror as she was forced to utter the words: "Wow, Ash, that's clever!"

The girl quickly turned green. "I feel dirty."

Brock, in the background, brought out his iPhone and did a fanfiction search for "Brock." He had 931 records found. The first entitled, "How Brock Died", most of the others consisting of his relationship with a pokémon.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: …I dunno. I really, truly don't know. Can I…nope. Make sense? There's a moral. Make sense. Please.

And, in case you're wondering if I made that up at the end? Didn't. I did the search in the pokémon category, English, and that's what happened. Poor Brock!


	44. I'm Scared of

Idea from: Tomoyo Kinomoto

I'm Scared of…(parody of Discovery Channel's commercial: I Love the World (youtube it))

Ash sighed, scratching his pokémon's head. "This canon rape stuff never gets old, huh?"

"Nope," Natty agreed.

"Kinda makes you wanna-"

The girl cut him off, suggesting slyly: "Break into song?"

"Ohgawdno-"

* * *

Brock hid in the bushes by a women's dressing room, chuckling in song:  
_"I'm scared of women.  
Their faces make me cry.  
I'd never date one,  
Before committing suicide!"_

Tracey scowled, Professor Oak getting chased around behind him, and sang in a rather disheartened voice:  
"_I'm scared of everything.  
Nobody likes me.  
So I do nothing.  
I'm here for novelty."_

Mysterious disembodied voices sang quietly: "_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada…"_

Misty stood proudly in her bathing suit by the pool.  
_"Somehow I'm cool with bugs,  
I even like them but…  
I'm scared of water?  
LOL…WHUT?"_

May bounced in front of her contest hall, wearing a flowing red dress.  
"_I'm fine with pokémon,  
But scared to go on stage._"  
She leaned forward and whispered to the camera, covering her mouth like it was a secret:  
_"We'll pretend I'm a newbie,  
And I'll never act my age!_"

Those disembodied voices began again, singing just as quietly: "_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada…"_

Dawn giggled, wearing a tight skirt and tight shirt.  
"_I'm scared of showing skin.  
I'm scared of speaking up.  
To quote my friend Misty:  
LOL…WHUT?"_

Paul didn't really sing, his voice a flat, quick line as he rushed through his verse. "Inside my tough shell, I'm just a shy, nice guy. You want to be my friend? Cassandra will make you _die_."

Again, those creepy disembodied voices joined in the chorus: "_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada…"_

Jessie and James stood back to back, alternating their lines, starting with Jessie.  
_"We're scared of nothing.  
We pawn with badass skills.  
Afraid of Giovanni?  
Ha! Like we will-"_

"Jessie! James! Meowth!" Giovanni screamed from the background.

The trio, from under a bush squeaked, "Cower."

Giovanni snarled, walking in front of the very bush they hid behind.  
_"You think I'm scared of Ash?  
Oh, bitches, please.  
Ten minutes with a guy like me  
And the boy will be on his _knees_."_

Why the creepy, disembodied voices continue to sing, we'll never know. This whole chapter is rather creepy and pointless, don't you think? And they say: "_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada…"_

Kenny and Zoey linked arms proudly, Zoey singing her verse first, followed immediately by the boy beside her.  
"_I'm not scared of much,  
I'm here to save the girl.  
Liek, Bing in character?  
That's TOTAL fail."_

"_I'm just like Zoey,  
My only point online.  
Is to protect Dawn.  
Time after fricken time."_

"_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada…"_

Drew glared at Gary, the two of them competing for the spotlight, alternating lines and taking up another two verses.  
"_I'm scared of being hurt.  
I'm way more sensitive.  
I'm scared to lose again.  
Please, like anybody gives!_

Lots _of people give a shit.  
I'm too cool to have a fear!  
Gary, dammit, let me sing!  
_Come on ladies…_you know you want me near._"

With that, fights began breaking out everywhere. Brock was beat up by the women from the dressing room. Professor Oak broke free and went after Tracey. Misty's sisters began chasing her around the pool with a caterpie in their arms. May's brother whispered embarrassing secrets to the camera, and May retaliated appropriately. Dawn's jailbait sexiness started a massive horny boyfight behind her. Team Rocket and Giovanni found one another, and Giovanni proceeded to yell at his underlings. Kenny and Zoey turned out to be _in _Dawn's massive skirt fight. And, of course, Drew and Gary began their fight as title for ultimate sexy character.

And those disembodied voices sing: "_Boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada, boomdeyada..."_

**(PAGE BREAK)**

Moral of the Story: To borrow a format from KnightSoul…  
1) _Don't _do karaoke fics. They suck.  
2) Stories seem threadbare with the barest description. Add some. See how you barely get _anything _as to what they're doing? No description. Hence, suckishness.  
3) There's no need to toss these little fears in that you think develop the character. See, if they're _out _of character, it's not character development. Getting _over _a fear is character development. Getting a fear _from _something is character development (negatively so, but development nevertheless). Randomly having a fear isn't.

So…I don't know why these song parodies are so addicting for me to do. –shrugs- And I decided to add a lesson in on description, because I find myself repeating that to authors more than anything else.


	45. AN Again

Natty slowly turned a page in her book, the third in the _Harry Potter_ series, until an eevee popped out of it's pokeball, gently clawing at the girl in the chair until she got her attention. The disturbed girl (in more ways than one), sighed and closed the sleeveless hardcover, sure to use her finger to mark the spot. She stared down at it for a moment, the diamond pattern on the dark turqoise book with a royal purple binding, before sighing yet again.

Her eyes flickered to the eevee. "Did I breed you? I can't remember which is the original anymore. I was poor, you know. I had to beat the Elite Four and go through the credits a million times to get you and ditto out so you'd stop having those damned eggs. What am I going to do with all those eevees? Trade them? Do you think I'll really find a good trade? You're all so easy to make. Granted, there's only four of you know and there's several things to evolve you into, but I've restarted Ruby and Sapphire and Emerald, and now that I'm focused on one it will still take forever before I can trade up a few games and get you into Diamond so you can be a Leafeon or Glaceon. Which do you want, darling, once for leaves and twice for ice?"

The eevee gave a long, loud, obnoxious mew with a gesture towards the camera.

Natty moaned. "Do I have to, baby? I'm really not in the mood."

She mewed again, and the brown hair girl rolled her eyes.

She cleared her throat, stood up, and tiraded: "OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE FANFICTION AND IT SUCKS AND ITS TOTALLY HORRIBLE BCUZ THEY TTLY SCREWED EVERYTHING UP AND I COULDNT UPDATE MI AWESOME STORIES AND MY LIFE SUCKS AND IM TRANSFERRING SCHOOOLS AND IM TOTALLLLLYYYYY BROKEN UP ABOUT IT AND I ONLY TOLD ONE OF MY FRIENDS AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL THE OTHER BCUZ SHELL BE SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111"

The chair creaked as she slammed herself down, cuddling the book. "That is all true, by the way. Fanfiction has been annoying, and I am really depressed at my school, as they constantly tirade me with religious beliefs and can't be persuaded with logical evidence. Such as, my teacher say the sky is green. I tell her to look out the window, the sky is confirmed as blue. I am told I am wrong. The other children agree, and there is a look in their eyes as if they can't believe Jesus himself has not come down from the heavens and smite the girl who believes in premarital sex, gay marriage, euthanasia, and legalizing marijuana. So, I'm getting out of the environment and going to a public school I absolutely adore, and had more fun in with just one day than I have in a long time. I will miss my friends, and it's a very rough time for me. Not tragic, but not comfortable.

"As such, this morning I started rereading the Harry Potter books, taking comfort in pages that hold childhood memories. So lost in these, with so little homework, that I'm already into the third book. For the past couple months, I've become near obsessed with Pokemon Crystal, breeding and raising and training pokemon, and am currently taking a break from intense training to defeat read to complete a set of eeveelutions. I'm getting lost in some personal things I'm writing, a faraway world with science and religion struggling for survival. I find both subjects fascinating, and it's easy to lose myself in.

"I've no problems telling you this, because it's honestly not that personal, and you might as well know what's going on because I'm very sure updates will be slowed."

She patted her lap and the eevee bounced up, curling into her lap as the girl opened the book once more.

"Moral of the Story? Don't fill a chapter of a story with Author's Notes. It's not allowed, and it's quite annoying when one imagines an update has been made, but nothing of the sort has happened." She shifted in her chair. "I think the diction in the narrative part of the books is starting to influence my speech patterns. Thank you, J. K. Rowling, your most marvelous and addictive books have made me speak like a stuck up know it all, because I simply can't pull off the words the way you can."

One hand absently stroked eevee's head, and she smiled. "Swear to God, it's a tie between her, King, and hatred of a few select books that influence me most to write this crap."


	46. The Ash Ketchum Project

Minimorals again, and it shouldn't be frightening, so don't let the title scare you off. It's funny! Weird as hell, but funny.

**For those who wanted to know about the jump in rating**: I got a mention about it so I bumped it up, and I kinda figured I could use a few more swear words now. Plus, there was a sex one requested coming up, and if at any point in the story there's actually lovemaking involved (yeah, pretty much if you say "they had hot sex") it's now M-rated, because teens _totally _don't know what sex is and _no _teens have had sex at our age, of course!

* * *

The Ash Ketchum Project

_In February, 2008, a young documentary maker, Natty, set off with several friends, Brock, May, Max, Misty, and Ash, to do a human psychology project. Misty was left out of the loop, though all the other participants were informed that Ash Ketchum would be taking on the role of a "Gary Stu", and using several of the stereotypical Ashes found in fanfiction. Their bodies were never found, but this tape was found three months later. However, there was a giant upturn in badfics. This is that footage…_

Natty giggled, backing away from the camera to the room full of participants. They all sat on the floor, Brock, May, Max and Ash, waving at the camera and chatting until she hushed them with an excited, "Guys! Guys! Come on!" She cleared her throat and turned to the camera, talking with her hands a little too wildly because of her thrill. "Alright, so we're doing a project on Mary Sues. We're trying to figure out if, you know, in real life they're all they're cut out to be. So Ash is going to be his supposedly ideal self, right Ash?"

Ash nodded, grinning. "Yeah. I'm not gonna get mad. I'm going to be real romantic. I'm gonna be sweet. I'm gonna speak real nice and sometimes in poems. I'm gonna be real happy when I lose, even though I really shouldn't. I'm gonna be perfect in every way."

Natty nodded. "Right, and everyone's going to act like it's perfectly normal. We're going to be looking for immediate friendship, love, and just all around likability. We may even get some angst on Misty's part, feeling inferior. If, at any point, that happens or the situation gets far beyond control, if anyone in the group starts feeling overwhelmingly depressed, in order to avoid possible suicide or bodily harm, the experiment must immediately end. There's a no risk situation."

"Well, we're all screwed now that you've said that," Max muttered.

**

* * *

**"Beat ya again!" Misty cheered, dancing on the sofa along with her tiny game generated counterpart. She sang a little victory song, then, finally, stopped and glanced at Ash, who was merely smiling her way. "Ash…I…I beat you. I won. You lost a bunch. Aren't you gonna say I cheated or that your controller jammed or that it's a stupid game or that I'm stupid or just throw one of your crazy little tantrums."

"Oh, _no_, Misty," he said, shaking his head. "How could I ever be mad when someone else is so happy? You worked hard. You deserve to win. It's alright."

"Oh, real mature Ash. Sarcasm is…" She glared at him, then, eyes widening with fear when she realized he wasn't joking. "You…Brock!" She spun around and raced out of the room, bounding over the sofa. "Brock! Ash is acting really weird! It's gonna give me nightmares!"

May giggled, shaking her head. "Man oh man, Ash, how did you keep yourself from getting mad?"

"Weirdly enough, I am _not _mad in the least." Ash paused, then shook his head. "I mean, I'm not angry. I guess I'm just a good actor or something!"

May raised an eyebrow. "_Right._ You're a good actor."

Minimoral: Ash isn't a gracious loser. Yes, eventually, he cools down and he's like "We'll fight them again and win!" I've just seen so many when he casually goes, "Oh, well, guess I lost. That's cool. I shall now make out with nearest moving obje-_pumpkin_!" No. He's obsessed with winning. He either bums out after a loss or gets mad or goes into his obsessive training mode (OTM).

**

* * *

**Misty swung her legs lightly, relaxing in the open window despite the long way down. She absently looked over at the creak of the door, turning back to the night when she saw it was only Ash. Crickets chirped, Notctowls hooted (and probably a few owls, she supposed, if there were any of them left), and the gentle breeze blew her hair from her face. She wasn't surprised when he jumped up on the sill with her, as he often would, but she was surprised when he touched her leg.

"You're pretty in the moonlight," he said, smiling sweetly.

"That's…weird of you to say," she replied, pulling her leg from his hand.

"Your eyes are like the ocean."

"Your face is hideous."

He jumped up, and she pressed herself to the wall, wishing she had taken the earlier opportunity to move away. One hand cupped her cheek gently as he whispered, "My princess of the sea, please, please allow me to be your prince. To hold you when the night are rough and when the skies are wild and when the world seems to be nothing but chaos I will be your order. Let me be your pillar of strength in a world of earthquakes."

"You're nothing _but _chaos and _I'm _a pillar of strength. You're a wobbly blob of baby fat and dreams."

He leaned close. "May I kiss you?"

"If you do, I'll toss you out the window."

"It's too soon to take the step?"

"When have I expressed feelings for you? _Man_! We're sixteen, the author said that we spent like four years apart and now you've decided that I totally love you because I loved you when I was twelve? You wanna check that first?"

"You're beautiful in the moonlight."

Misty kicked him in the groin, then sprung away, hiding under the covers and hoping he would leave.

Minimoral: Okay, I don't care _what _characters you're using. "So Ash met up with Anabel again and they confessed!" Yeah. They met about six years ago (it's canon that he's still ten and your story is bumping him up to sixteen), and they somehow decide that it's _totally _worth the risk to just toss it out there? Any pairing is fine, but drop some hints and show some chemistry instead of just skipping to the confession and the first kiss of mystical passion. Oh, and a date consisting of longing glances across the table? That's not a hint. That's weird.

**

* * *

**"Hey Ash." Natty grinned, trotting up to him. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm great," he replied. "I am just fantastic. Misty rejected me tonight, but it's alright, Natty. She'll love me soon. They'll all love me. May, Max and Brock have begun to pull away. You went away for a while too. You left us alone. Some of them think I'm acting a little strangely. I don't think so. I believe I am acting perfectly normally. They'll understand soon. You'll understand. I'm afraid you can't leave here until you understand. Is that alright, Natty?"

She shook her head. "No, I mean, as much as I hate to do it, I've got a job here. I beat the Johto League, got transferred into Kanto. I've got missions and things. People to help, things to do. It sucks. It's like community service, but I get paid for it, and I kinda want to live so…You can only battle so many trainers before the word spreads and no one will fight with you anymore. I don't think I can resort to mugging either. I'm not a very good mugger." She grinned. "Mugger sounds like Muggle."

Ash put his hand on her shoulder. "You don't like me very much. That'll change. They'll all change." He smiled. "Don't worry. It won't hurt. You won't even know it's happening."

"Holy Greek gods and goddesses," she gasped, trying to break away. His grip on her shoulders was iron, his plain brown eyes taking on a warm reddish tone. "You're a Mary Sue. Ohmigod, Ash, you're a Mary Sue. Do the others know? You're a Mary Sue! Oh _god _you're a damned Sue!"

Her shrieks were cut off by a hypnosis attack, body going limp. He put her on the bed, walked out and locked the door behind him with a smile. His head rested on the thick word, and he whispered to it, "Don't worry, I'll be back. I've got others to take care of, but I'll be back for you. I'm going to get plenty of powers, befriending every single one of our companions, and then I'm going to make Misty love me. And then I'll be back for you. We'll all be back. And we're going to fix you so you're just like us."

He ran his fingers over the wood gently. "We'll take all your pokémon away, just like I did got rid of Pikachu. Don't worry, Natty, your hair will be purple again soon, and you'll be gorgeous like you never were before. Athletic, strong, smart, anything. You name it. It'll happen soon. And the only price is your identity, yourself, your personality." He chuckled. "And when you're perfect, who needs that anyway?"

**

* * *

**Brock held his camera tightly in his hands, breathing ragged as he looked around him nervously, hiding behind a cloth covered table. "I lost May and Max. Lost Misty too. I hope they're okay. I think Ash divided us. He's intelligent. Very intelligent. A Sue without an author, perfection. It scares me. I…I don't want to turn into that. I like who I am, even with my flaws I…it makes me feels different, makes me feel good. How am I supposed to find a girl if who loves me for me if I'm not…not me anymore?"

"Brock?" came the voice off camera. He walked on scene, sneaker covered feet behind him. "Come on, Brock, I'm only a bit of a Sue. Let's just talk about this for a little while. Just a little while. You wanna come out Brock?"

"I do," he whispered breathlessly. "That's the worst part. We all do. Breaking up was the worst part. When we were together we could…we could fight him off. We don't know where Natty is. We haven't seen her in forever. Misty was the next to go, but we saw her later. She was hiding somewhere, we caught a glimpse of her, but we heard Ash coming and we had to run. And now…he's going to be here soon. He's going to find me."

"I hear you Brock," Ash laughed. "I hear you! Come out and play with me, Brock! I can teach you how to get women. Want a woman Brock?"

Brock narrowed his eyes, pulling out a large cooking knife and holding it up to the camera. "I'm going to end it. I'm going to keep us safe. It's the only way to do it. I have to. I have to. If Ash was in his right mind, he's understand. He'd want me to. May will get over it. Max too. And Misty. They'll all get over it. It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna make it okay."

He dropped the camera, running out. There was an astonished cry from Brock, the knife clattering to the floor and a terribly loud thud as his body crashed to the ground. Ash kneeled, the body just beyond the table, and an arm stretched forward, probably touching the shoulder. "Brock, buddy. We're going to fix this now. We're going to get you a woman. May's not too young. We'll get May. You can have her. We'll get her next, and we'll make her just as great as you're going to be."

"I…okay. Okay, Ash. I like May, as long as she's pretty."

"She will be," Ash soothed. He crawled under the table, features strikingly handsome as he grinned at the camera, and stabbed it with the knife.

**

* * *

**The camera was absently tossed to the side, showing a sideways May and Max. The older girl clutched him in her lap, stroking his hair, chin on his head. "You're a good boy, Max. I love you. He's not going to get you. I won't let him. Neither of them."

"Oh, May," Brock's voice chuckled. Her head turned, eyes wide with shock as she clutched the boy closer. "May, I can hear you. Come here, May. We've got to talk about a few things. It's our destiny to be together, May. It's our _destiny. _Max can join. We want Max to join too. It's better this way. Come out. We're going to win. We're perfect, remember? Sues are perfect. We're perfect. Absolutely perfect. Come here, May."

The girl's eyes were distant in no time at all, two Sues chanting her name, hand slowing on Max's head. She stood slowly, setting him on the floor and walking away from the camera. Panicked, Max jumped to his feet, bounding out after his sister, and the camera was left staring blankly at the wall. A second later, Max screamed, scrambling back under the table, scratching furiously for the camera, mouth opening with the words, "They got 'er! They got 'er!" again and again.

Ash appeared, face flawless, body not over muscled but perfect, scooping up Max, who quieted instantly under his touch, cuddling into Ash like the boy was his father. Then, Ash's foot slammed down onto the camera.

**

* * *

**Misty's camera was on a table, landing right side up, pinned in a comfortable chair, Ash leaning close. Her eyes were closed turned away from him, small whimpers coming from her throat, shivering and moaning nervously. His hands cupped her face turning her towards him gently. Her eyes stayed shut, tight as they could for a little while, but within a minute or two they opened, eyes shadowed, flashing between an array of colors.

"Your eyes are already changing," he breathed. "Kiss me."

"I'm not good enough for you," she argued. "I'm stupid and ugly and you're so beautiful. You're perfect and wonderful. I can't ever be as good as you!"

"But I chose you. You're lucky. You wouldn't want to make me sad, would you?"

Her eyes went wide, filling with tears. "Of course not! I love you!"

"Then kiss me," he demanded, voice somehow sweet. "Do it now and prove you love me."

She did.

**

* * *

**Natty was shaking, lying on the floor, setting the camera down. Her brown hair was greasy, acne heavily broken out and dried blood on her cheek.

"I haven't eaten in three days," she gulped. "There's a bathroom connected, I've had drinking water but I'm hungry. I can't get out. I've got my pokeballs but…I can't remember how to open them. I think he messed with my head. I see the lock, but I can't figure out how to open it. I slammed a chair into it a few times. It broke. Slashed my hand. Still hurts. I think it's infected too, all pus and disgusting. I know becoming…them would fix it but I…I don't want to. I'd die first."

Knuckles rapped on the door. "You decent, Natty?"

"No!" she replied loudly.

"You're lying," Misty giggled. "I can tell. That's one of my powers."

The door swung open, and Natty appeared panicked, scrambling away, and shielding herself with a chair from imaginary foes. "Get away! I won't tell! I won't tell! Just let me go! I wanna go home! Please, please I don't want to be here. It was just an experiment. It was just a joke! It was a joke! This wasn't supposed to happen!"

"She's so ugly," May's remarked. "Really ugly. Worse than most normal people."

"We'll fix her. Don't worry."

"But she's not like the others," Brock argued. "How come?"

"She's not from this world. She's from a different place. A place where people don't write fanfiction about them, where there is no perfection. It's a little harder. Not too much, don't worry. We can turn anyone if we want. It just takes a little more work with some." Natty cowered back, glasses fogging with someone unseen's breath. "Turn off the camera, Natty. We're too pretty to be seen on camera anyway. Just turn it off."

She shook her head, muttering, "No. No, I don't wanna."

"Turn it off, Natty," the voice whispered, more insistent. The girl's eyes grew glazed, beginning to lighten into a purplish tone. "Turn off the camera."

Her hand reached out, infected wound bleeding pus and blood as it stitched itself up, and turned off the camera.

**

* * *

**Anybody get the joke? You can't see them? You never see the witch? Yeah. There's the joke. Okay…

Fun fact from Bulbapedia: Ash, Riolu and Misty are the only characters to ever bleed on the show. Misty first in _Wake up Snorlax!, _Ash in _Tears for Fears! _And Riolu in _Pokémon Ranger and the Kidnapped Riolu! Part One._

To Ketchum Kid: Yes, everything I said last chapter was true, and I think I may have lost some reviewers because of it, which is a real shame, because I don't judge people's work on that and it's disappointing that some people, apparently, do. Though, I suppose it's best to keep the faith and assume fanfiction isn't working for everyone. We may be opposites, but I adore hearing other people's point of view, so feel free to share it!


	47. Listening

Idea from: Toyomoto Kinomoto (I lost your name and now I can't spell it. If you review, I'll fix it. -groans at own stupidity-)

-sigh- Because I know I have reviewer that does this (and they know who they are) I _promise _this is not directed at you.

Listening

"Ash thinks he can understand me," Pikachu said, stretching under the gentle hands that messaged her back. "It's pretty funny. My name for him, Pikapi? Means idiot. It's _so _funny. He doesn't realize it. 'I love you, Idiot', 'dance, Idiot, dance', 'we're losing, Idiot'." She chuckled and sighed to herself, shaking her head. "Oh, Idiot. How I love him."

"Mmm," Glaceon agreed, moaning lightly under the skillful fingers of her masseuse. "I've done the same thing to May countless times. I suppose it's not very nice, but it's funny. I don't do it constantly. Honestly, Pikachu, you care about him so much and yet you're this evil little mouse."

"It's become second nature," she argued. "His name _is _Idiot. Didn't you notice the capital I used before? We have a bond." Pikachu stopped suddenly, then moaned and slammed her head onto the table. "Please tell me it's not _her_. You know how I hate _her_."

"And how I'm ashamed to be related to her," Glaceon agreed. "But it is. Here comes little miss Pet-Sue."

(_Hello, girls,_) purred the espeon, leaping onto the table before them. (_Pikachu, darling, why are you slamming your head onto the table so?_)

"To get rid of those brain cells and join you in the glory of stupidity, sweet," Glaceon explained, sighing. "_Must _you talk psychically? You can talk like a normal pokémon, you realize. You're not one of those types that can't make any kind of sound. You do speak."

(_But I'm psychic_,) she argued firmly. (_I must speak in this way!_)

"She's an unintelligent stuck up little prick," Pikachu snapped, glaring the ice type's way. "Glace, can I kill her?"

"No, that's _wrong_," Glaceon said, sitting up quickly to scratch the back of her ear. "It would be a wonderful relief, but it's wrong. You can not kill her, love."

She sighed, lowering her head back to the table. "I'll let it go. It's quite the buzz kill."

(_I can summon my trainer across-_)

"Who _cares_?" Pikachu moaned. "Glace, I'm sure no one would mind if-"

"_No_," Glaceon accented, shaking her head. "You know us eeveelutions, always involved in fanfiction. I know it's terrible, but there's no murder of Sues permitted. We can kill her later, alright? After the fiction is over we'll go on a good Sue hunt."

Pikachu shook off the hand and leapt to her feet, snarling, "End scene."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I can accept trainers understanding their pokémon, in the sense of "getting the gist of it". Think of it more as…someone speaking a foreign language. You generally can understand the basic commands. However, it seems that they can figure out more specific things from their pokémon ("Misty's in trouble?"), so I would imagine you can also pick up a few key phrases, but you don't know tenses and conjugation. Leave your trainer in the dark a little bit. Don't make it easy for everyone to understand anything. 90 percent of all communication is through body language. Use that.


	48. You'll Never Get It

**Disclaimer: I don't own Shel Silverstein or his poems.**

I'm going to New Jersey. My grandfather's in the hospital. No, I do not want to talk about it. Yes, I have been having a _whole _bunch of bad things all happening at once. If I'm lucky, it should all be over soon and I'll have good fortune for quite some time. :D

You'll Never Get It

Ash was quite thrilled, shoving food down his throat. Misty sat across from him, idly closed her eyes and muttered, "You remind me of a poem, I think it was by Shel Silverstein, though I could be wrong. It was about this boy that ate a lot. He ate and he ate and he ate, and then they ran out of food. So he ate her parents. Then he ate his house. Then he ate a country, the continents, the oceans, the planet, the universe, and then he ate himself. All that was left of him was a pair of gnashing, mashing teeth in the big abyss about him. And he never dies. He's hungry forever and gnashes his teeth."

She opened her eyes to see Ramen noodles, Ash's fourth course in a meal that seemed to never end, dangling limply from his open mouth, eyes with horror. The redhead mused on whether or not she should explain to him that it was only a poem, and if you ate yourself, if you could even find a way, you'd be sure to die. Then, deciding that it was all to amusing, she closed her eyes and let him work it all out for himself.

"_If you are a dreamer come in,_" he said finally, swallowing his noodles.

She smiled sleepily. "_If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer._"

"_If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!_" he finished, grinning at her as she opened her eyes. "My mom used to read that to me when I was little. I don't like poetry too much, but I remembered that one. It was fun. She talked about how it was like being a pokémon trainer. I liked that. Hate poetry. I think it's fun to rhyme and all, but I hate poetry. Too annoying, and people get mad if you don't interpret it their way."

"_Rick was "L", but he's home with the flu, Lizzie, our "O", had some homework to do, Mitchell, "E" prob'ly got lost on the way, So I'm all of the love that could make it today,_" she chimed. "That was on the Valentine of my first boyfriend. Technically husband. We were in first grade, he cut it out of a book, my sisters insisted we get married. First kiss too, if you wanted to think that way. I like to think it was a real kiss, a lot more fun than my first real kiss."

She sat up suddenly, looking at the clock, but her voice was smooth, "I should be getting out of here by now. The gym needs me."

"It does," he agreed. He slid a bowl of ice cream her way, and went to town on his.

"How many days have I been here, doing nothing, just talking with you?"

He shrugged. "Can't remember."

She glared at the clock curiously. "How long has it been six?"

"A few days now."

She blinked for a moment, then nodded, thinking this perfectly logical, and began to eat her ice cream.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Plot, dammit. Not even crack!fic, not fluff, put in a gosh darn _plot_. If it's a drabble collection, _awesome_. Otherwise, what's the point? I've read pages upon page of…well, nothing. There's nothing. It's this. Completely random, pointless. I don't want to read seven pages of the character's favorite color. Because, even though I actually got caught up in this and _could _have used this as character development (you have no idea how hard it was to resist character insight urges), there are people who write pages and pages of things even _more dull _than _this_. "Ash likes pumpkins. Misty likes water. Bob likes crackers." Please, just…do something? Please? The majority of the Pokémon show is filler, and yet something is always happening. Plot.

**Rant  
**GAH! –spazzes- Okay, am I the _only _one on this site that doesn't shower undeserving authors with insane proclamations of love? An author, no names mentioned, but an author I don't even _read _but _skim _keeps putting out total and complete random _crap _that's way, way _worse _than most stuff they put on. What happens? Mindless. Love. Showers. See, I like my reviewers. My reviewers tend to be intelligent. Pretty much every reviewers (constant reviewer) I've had has pointed out a mistake I've made at some point. They've told me that certain pieces of work are not my best. If I post crap, I'll get crap from my reviewers. Meanwhile, this _ass _doesn't even bother writing proper summaries, and if you give this self centered jerk criticism he freakin' ignores it and doesn't even bother to reply, probably not reading your damn review because said author it a self centered _ass_.

Ahem, **rant over.**


	49. Mundane

I want to thank everyone, absolutely _everyone _who reviews this. You're all so wonderful, and your well wishes really made me feel better. I can't reply to every single one of you anymore (as I'm sure you've noticed) because I'm getting so many now! I'm trying to reply to anyone who has a question, or something phenomenally interesting. Unfortunately, due to my dad's business trip, school, and a snowstorm, I had to come home a day earlier than planned.

* * *

Mundane

Misty pouted. "I'm not _special_."

Ash glared. "We _just _got the Sue antidote. Pretending might bring it back."

"No, stupid," she snorted. "I'm too angry to be a Sue without assistance. See, I'm strong willed. Therefore, I can do Sue without going Sue. Besides, you all like me too much to become that Sue anyway. At least, Gary did last night."

Ash's eyes got wide. "You are _not _allowed to make out with my rival. That's fraternizing with the enemy!"

Misty stood up, sticking her tongue out, and resumed her character. Her framed drooped in complaint, and she looked around the room of friends. "I'm not _different._ I'm so _mundane. _I've got hair like fire and eyes like the ocean and skin like ivory and lips red as roses and I'm so _ugly _with my beautiful boobs and tiny waist and gorgeous hips! I've long legs and they're athletic and beautiful and I'm so _hideous! _Oh, woe!"

He chucked a pokeball at her, but she caught it. Another one was flung at her head, but landed, once more, into her waiting hand. She juggled the two gently, and continued to loudly whine, "And I'm so _talentless!_ I can sing and dance, but _everyone _can do that. I'm so _boring_. I'm so _mundane._ So _not _a Sue!" Another ball was tossed, and she was juggling three. "What oh what will become of me! I know I won't get any special jobs."

A few of the others, eager for their turn, unclipped a pokeball and tossed it to her, until she was juggling five in a large circle above her. "Oh, I just _know _I won't be able to save the world or win all my badges with ease or ever beat my sisters or anything. And they're so _mean _to me. It's not like we could possibly be the type of siblings who _fight_. If they scold me for mocking them or persuade me into doing something to help the gym, that's _totally _mean. It's not like I'm a ten year old girl who probably needs a push in responsibility's direction." She snorted loudly. "It's not like I've ever _run away _or anything!"

More balls were tossed, and when an eighth one was added she shouted, shielding herself as the pokeballs came raining down and several over the creatures bounced out, laughing along with everyone else. The pokeballs were collected, dinner was served, and the Ketchum household resumed it's rather mundane path.

* * *

Moral of the Story: -headdesk- Do I even have to say? It's so annoying when people turn characters into NegaSues, which is a term I have just dubbed for use on the Sues that have everything wrong going in their life, everyone hates them but they're actually filled with super special wonder. So obnoxious. There's nothing wrong with giving them _believable _talents.  
May can sing (good job, dub, actually gave someone who was supposed to have a good voice a good voice (For those who don't know, Brock was supposed to be terrible, and Misty and Ash were quite good, but they pretty much switched that in the show)) and, give her something else. Something's she's practice. Pokémon really freaked her out as a kid, apparently, so she generally hid in her room and developed a talent for hiding, which I find to be a really great talent because, contrary to popular belief, it's not very easy to hide. Misty sucks at it. Dawn's good at…shopping? I don't know enough about her yet. We don't get a lot of insight.  
Another idea is give them a talent based on personality. Misty has always been very strict in the show, with both herself and others, and very expressive. So I gave her the insanely structured poetry of Dickenson. Ash could be good at…war games. Strategy games. –flashback to _Risk_-  
Randomly having so and so be good at some impossibly obscure talent that _nobody _knows without any explanation (or a terrible one) doesn't work.


	50. Best Friend

**Idea From (I think): Super Reader**

Ron: Soot's a funny word!  
Hermione: You know what else is a funny word?  
Ron: -leans forward with interest-  
Hermione: I hate you.  
-Yule Ball 2007 Potter Puppet Pals, Part 2

Best Friend

Ash grinned wickedly. "So, you have fun with your little friend last night?"

Misty gave a dreamy sigh, spinning around happily. "Oh, Ash, it was _wonderful_. I spent the entire night with him. He was so sweet. He's not the stupid, annoying jock type at all. I mean, just because he's on the football team, as the quarterback and all. Still, he's such a great guy. He took me out to the movies and then to dinner at this really, really romantic restaurant. It was just great. He's such a nice guy and…oh, Ash! I could have just asked him to marry me on the spot! I can't believe what I'm feeling! IN all my crushes, all my life I've never felt this way before! I know it's ridiculous to say so, I'm only sixteen but…but I think I may be in love Ash. I think I'm truly in love."

Ash poked her. "Bother."

She glared. "_No more Potter Puppet Pals_."

He stared at her innocently, then jabbed her again. "Bother."

"Ash!" she raged, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "Come on, I'm happy. You're just jealous because there's nothing you can do about it."

He grinned and leaned forward. "Well, we're in a badfic. So, applying to badfic rules, all I have to do to get you into my arms is to say-" he cleared his throat "-Misty, all year I've been after you, loving you as your best friend. Every single thing you do makes my heart stop, makes my head spin, and I wish I could be with you forever. Your best friend, childhood friend, loves you Misty. Do you love me back?"

She took a deep breath, pouting. "I haven't talked to you in forever!"

"Do you love me?" he taunted.

"I haven't looked at you!"

"Do you love me?"

"I was focused on my hot jock!"

He sniggered. "You totally love me."

She plopped down at the table with a moan. "You just ruined my life! I hate these stupid rules! I had love, dammit. It was real, working, put effort into it, not Sue love, and you ruined it with your stupid fanfiction and it's impossible stupidity. You suck Ash. You…you suck. You're a dumbAsh."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Ah, the traditional best-friend love story. Right, yeah, you see, it's kinda annoying when, out of nowhere, they decide to fall in love with their best friend. I mean, they hint at it the entire story, you know the "best friend" is in love with the main character, but it's not until the very last second that they ditch the "hot guy" they've been pining after the entire story and randomly decide they actually loved their best friend all along, even though they've only spoken for like twenty minutes the entire year.

**Rant  
**Remember that author I told y'all about? _Still _doing it. Released _another _one. Doesn't even bother with summaries any more. I'm so. So. So sick of it. Still getting showers of love, by the way. Still filled with rage. Should I even bother reviewing? Really? Should anyone even try anymore? Is there even a purpose? I mean, I suppose it is. I'm not bothering with the author anymore, but…I'll review anyone once, I guess.  
**Rant Over**


	51. Magic

Magic

Natty had to ruin the quiet afternoon by suddenly looking up from her laptop, glancing at the new, and giggling. It wasn't the soft to loud giggles, but a sudden fit, where her hand flew to her mouth and she doubled over, the semi-soft sound creeping out through her fingers. It continued, not just for a minute, but on and on until she finally manage to squeak out, "The smell of rotting eggs turns guys on." She immediately crumpled, rolling on the floor in wild laughter, legs kicking in the air with her never ending giggles. The others absently glanced over, rolled their eyes dismissively, and went back to whatever they were doing.

However, the young girl was not done, and continued on. "Wait! Wait! It's gonna get better! How do pokémon fit into pokeballs?"

Cassie stormed out, face curled in a snarl as she glared at the snickering kids around the room. She was wearing a Christmas Elf outfit, green tights, green shorts, long sleeved red shirt with a green vest on top. Her green slipped curled at the end, bells sewn on that jiggled, just like the bell on her green and red floppy triangle hat. She crossed her arms at Natty, muttering, "I don't see why I have to wear the stupid outfit. You're an evil, cynical, self centered bitch."

But the girl was still too busy laughing to reply, not until she had calmed down: "Oh, _man. _Say it! Say how pokémon fit in their pokeballs, Ms. Happy Elf."

There were more laughs at the name, but the blushing girl muttered, waving her arms quickly: "It's magic."

"And how did the new pokémon appear?"

Another wave of her arms and a darker blush. "It's magic."

Natty leaned forward eagerly, looking up from her spot at the floor. "And, my dear, how come some pokémon that you own have extraordinary abilities whereas others simply aren't up to par?"

"Magic," she grumbled, not bothering to wave her arms.

"That's right," she said cockily. "No more Sues for you. We're going to beat it out of you until you're sore!"

The other girl grinned. "Oh, because _you _haven't done your fair share of worthless cr-"

"'Ey!"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: When has pokémon ever…_ever _been about magic? I'm not even kidding. I've seen _magic _take place in pokémon. Out of nowhere. They're not supposed to be magic. I mean, just accept it. They break all normal laws of physics. You can't randomly decide it's magic and then trash…everything. If you're doing some kind of freaky AU, fine, but even then you need to remember to keep your own rules. Calling it magical or fantasy does not mean you can do whatever you want with it. There are rules, you must make them and keep them. If not, you're Ms. Happy Elf.


	52. Detention

**Idea from: Yoshi's Kun**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Breakfast Club. Nor the direct quotes.**

Yup, I'm going there… There is nothing I won't parody! It's short because, well, you can't do a good, long Breakfast Club parody. It's just not the same as the movie. I watched it again yesterday after my father compared me to the basket case Allison (lovely, right?), and I was spurred into this. As for the delay, things are still busy, still wild, so updates continue to be slow.

Detention

"No running, no jumping. Stay in your damned seats. I don't want to hear any laughter, any talking. Write an essay, do your time, and get the hell out of here." He spat on the floor. "I don't want to see your faces. I'm going to be doing some work across the hall. I hear a single thing, and you're dead. _The next time I have to come in here, I'm cracking skulls_!" And, with that, he stormed out of the room and left the five kids alone.

The redhead promptly stood up, eyeing the heavy, closed door, and chuckled. She stood in front of them. "How…_Breakfast Club_. Let's see, a brain, an athlete, a princess, but we got a pervert instead of a basket case…" she said, slowly pointing to Max, Ash, May and Brock in turn.

The brunette glared from under long, mascara covered lashes. "And a _criminal_. Can't even pull off detention right, can you? He told us to stay in our seats and the first thing you do is get up and run around." She snorted, pulling out a nail file and muttering, "Can't do anything right, can you? Not surprised. Kids like you never can."

"What?" She leaned forward over the desk, glaring into the brunette's blue eyes. "And what type am I?"

She shrugged. "You know, the rebel type. Probably an only child, your parents ignore you. You couldn't do too well in school, weren't good at sports, and to get attention you turned to a life of crime. Your parents are paying attention to you, and negative attention is better than no attention. Judging by your clothes, outdated designers, you're probably from a rich family and think you're being all special and independent. You're not. You're just being stupid, nobody cares."

"Good guess," Ash said sarcastically, "if her family wasn't the Sensational Sisters that practically rule the school."

Brock looked up suddenly at the mention of beautiful girls. "What?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "That's their baby sister. The one they constantly ambush in the hall and hug and junk? Embarrasses the crap out of her. She's probably rebelling to try and stand out. Not as pretty as her sisters, had to find something else to do. Nothing better to get attention then to bring in the police."

Her lips curled in a snarl. "Oh, Ketchum, star athlete, like you're in any place to judge. We all know you're overcompensating for being small in the pants."

He stood up. "Hey! Come on, at least I was _trying _to make some sort of sense. You're just insulting."

Brock shook his head. "He obsessed over the games because his dad died and he wanted to fill his shoes. His dad was a sports legend here."

"And who believes a pervert?" Ash argued, lowering his blushing face to hide in his arms.

"He's only a pervert because his mom left him, and he's using girls to fill the void. Basic psychology," Max chirped.

"Oh, and _you're _so smart?" May snickered at her little brother. "He's just a dork because our parents are always pushing him. He scored way high on an IQ test as a kid and they've been after him ever since to get straight A's. He got into high school young. All he knows is book stuff. He doesn't know anything you can't look up. He never gets to interact with other kids because he can't meet any his own age and no one in high school will hang out with him."

He stood up in a rage, eyes wide and gesturing at her wildly. "And _you're _just obsessed with making yourself pretty because you can't get any boys to notice you without the makeup. You want Mom and Dad to notice you, because all they do is focus on me, and you hope if you rack the bill up high enough they'll finally stop and look at you. But they won't! I'm the favorite and you know it, May!"

Misty scampered back to her seat, smacking his head on her way and sitting down at her table, pointing at the door the teacher soon burst through. He yelled at them not to talk, and, instead of leaving them for good, collected his work and sat in the room, sorting through all his papers while they absently scribbled down notes or gazed at the ceiling above them. Perhaps they could have gotten to know one another, seen beyond the stereotypes, but the circumstances would not allow, and their notions were limited to looking around the room, each seeing a princess, a criminal, a pervert, an athlete, and a brain.

**(PAGE BREAK)**

Moral of the Story: The Breakfast Club rocks. –grins- But, seriously, just because you don't like a character (like Principal Vernon), doesn't mean you should stereotype them. Each one has a personality, with good parts and bad, and you can't completely shove them into one role. Misty isn't always mean, May isn't always nice, Max doesn't know everything, Brock thinks about things other than girls, Ash thinks about things other than pokémon.

_Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club. _–Ending to "The Breakfast Club"


	53. Duh

Idea from: …Somebody suggested pregnancy. I can't remember who…I'm sorry!

-sighs- Oh, dear goodness, am I going to get yelled at for this one.

* * *

Duh

Misty came in and sighed at Brock. "Alright, listen. You remember that crazy one night sta-of course you do. You never get any action. Anywho, that crazy one night stand we had. Well, I got all my tests and thankfully there wasn't any diseases involved. Not that there would be, because, you know, you never get any action. So, we're both all clean. But, if you remember, because I sure as hell don't, there wasn't protection involved. No rubber. Big problem. I'm usually pretty smart about sex, but, you know, if I did you I obviously wasn't in my right mind. I mean, _nobody _does you. Whores double their rates when they see you coming."

"Enough of burning Brock!" he shouted, slamming his hands on the table.

She jumped. "Right, sorry. Anyway, I got pregnant."

Brock froze, mouth dropping open. "Oh no. Misty I…I'll stay with you through the pregnancy. I won't leave you like a lot of other jerk guys. And maybe…maybe at the end of it all we'll grow to like each other, maybe love each other. We can fall in love and get married and nobody will care. We'll lie about the year we got married and our child will never know, he won't need to know. It has to be a son, our first born son. I'll get a job and you…you won't have to work and-"

She held up a hand to stop him. "Hello, other options?"

He looked down, hurt. "Oh…so you don't want me to be around to raise the baby?"

"Not that," she snorted. "I went downtown and had a professional vacuum that thing out like crumbs in the car carpet. I mean, jees, like I want to have _your _kid."

His eyes widened. "Well, that makes things easier."

"Uh-huh." She popped a cashew into her mouth. "Sure don't want any half breed babies running around."

**(PAGE BREAK)**

_JOKING. I'M FREAKING JOKING. I'M ALL FOR INTERRACIAL DATING. _Man, I mean, I'm pretty positive I'm going to end up with a darker guy anyway. –shrugs- I find the contrast and darker skin in general completely and totally sexy. Yup. TMI and I don't care. I'm anonymous for just that reason.

Moral of the Story: …Duh. I understand if you're against abortion, and I'm fine with the characters objecting to it. But the fact that half the time it's not even _mentioned_? That _everyone _is against it? Really? Statistically, that's not possible. I don't think you have to do it, but just have some kind of skit where one person says, "So, do you want to abort the baby"No."/"Ah, so you against murder?"/No, it's mine now. It's in my belly. I'm not going to chop off my finger anymore than I'm taking out this junk, dammit, it's _mine_."  
On top of that, do you know how many angst possibilities that opens up? Women mourning over aborting children? It opens up an entire realm of fictions.

And I don't want any rants about the evils of abortion. I'm sorta with you. I think that they shouldn't have had the baby in the first place (accidents happen), that they should keep it and if they don't want it they should give it away. Might as well give the little sucker a fighting chance. But, you know, if the mother's going to die, if the woman was raped, I think they should always have the choice. That's my view. I'm not forcing it on you. I'm not saying that it's wrong to keep the baby. I'm saying that it's wrong not to mention it, because it's illogical. I also find it sickening that I can't even express my opinion without getting yelled at for it, and have to put this disclaimer on here to keep myself safe.


	54. Swearing

The title is not a reference to promising. It's a reference to swear words and, boy oh boy, do I love 'em!

**WARNING: Heavy, heavy, heavy swearing. Really bad. Swear words for the babymakin' parts too.**

Swearing

_Age Ten_

Misty rattled the bars of the cage, screaming while the boys behind her made a ruckus of their own. Each shouted out their own fury, each seemed just as mad, though nothing seemed to get through to Team Rocket. And, Misty, quite agitated that she was not the center of attention, began to have flashbacks of her sisters getting dolls whereas she got hand-me-downs, and something about not being her mother's favorite, but her father's, and how she assumed the role of a tomboy. The anger built from this.

She shrieked, though she had little to no idea of what it meant: "Let me out you damned cocksuckers!"

Ash and Brock froze. Jessie, James and Meowth gawked her way.

The tan child was the first to speak, a hushed whisper to his older friend. "Brock…why would anyone want to suck a rooster?"

"Quiet time, Ash."

* * *

_Age Twelve_

They giggled helplessly around a campfire while Brock slept, Ash and Misty whispering swear words so quiet no one could hear. Forbidden words, first started when Misty said "shit" as she stubbed her toe, then tried to hide it by claiming she was saying "shoot". This started a contest, who would say the most swear words, who could fit the most in a sentence, and, most importantly, who could come up with the worst one of all.

It was Misty who first dared to utter the words, "Fuck you."

To which he gleefully replied, "How much do you charge?"

And the giggles began again.

_

* * *

Age Fourteen_

She slammed both her hands on the bars, the wild thing that had gone long without supervision, spending more time with pokémon than people at her gym. Eyes flashed with fury, and she screamed words she knew had the most effect. "Eat my pussy, you buttfucker! Go find a fag and chomp on his meat! You motherfucking son of a bitch! You fucked your mother in the ass and made her suck your dick, you sick freak! Carpet-cleaning bastard!"

Ash and Brock simultaneously recited the catch phrase, "That's hot." Abruptly froze, glanced at one another and asked, "What?"

_

* * *

Age Sixteen_

Ash glared. "Kindly fuck yourself."

"Mew knows you don't know how," she muttered.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: At ten, in the nineties' suburbs (where we pretend the characters come from), most kids did not know many swearwords, and, if they did, had no idea what they meant and repeated them. At twelve, you discover swearwords, get excited and whisper them to one another because adults say them and older people say them and it's bad and it's so gosh darn fun to be bad! After that, about fourteen, they come commonplace.  
My point is, don't make the ten year olds swear like crazy and once they grow up, give them a few curses. Well, even if you don't, the odds that _none _of the pokecharacters do? With no adult supervision around? I mean, at least Misty for goodness' sake. For all we know, there's no parents around, her sisters, while nice enough, probably aren't the most attentive caregivers. Factor in a tomboy personality, and I think you've got some swearing. Go ahead and give the little kids a swear every once in a while (a light one, like "damn"), but make it a "forbidden word" and have them act like kids, giggle and blush and refuse to admit they said it.

And thanks to those who follow me through even my most radical political views. Happy to make you smile!


	55. Ash's Song

Ketchum Kid: How long am I going to write this until I stop? …Dunno. Until I run out of ideas/suggestions or don't feel like it? It doesn't seem to happen any time in the near future.

Phineas: "There's nothing to be afraid of!"  
Candice: "Nothing to be afraid of? There's the never ending icy cold darkness of soul sucking space."  
Phineas: "I hear negative!"

From Phineas and Ferb

* * *

  
Ash's Song

_I am the very model of anime protagonist.  
'Cuz I'm not really a smart guy and never get the gist of it.  
But if I ever went away you all know I'd be sorely missed.  
Even though I'm loud, annoying, and I'm always throwing hissy fits._

_And even though I'm only ten, some girls think I'm just the sex.  
They all want to do me and think that would be just the best.  
They throw me into modern day and give me cell's with which I can text.  
Even though I don't like girls, just things like tyrannosaurus Rex._

Misty glared. "You didn't do back up on my song, and I didn't even get to _sing_. So screw you, I'm not doing it. And your rhyme scheme totally failed that last line. You had to force it."

"My bad," Natty giggled, raising her hand proudly. "You'd be surprised how few useful words rhyme with sex."

_I'm very good at battling and saving friends from wicked guys.  
Plus, I'm really sensitive, there's tears down-pouring from my eyes.  
And even though my school grade's low, and I just can't prioritize  
You know I make those fangirls swoon every time I start to cry._

"In short," Natty chirped, "_In matters of stupidity, sincerity and heroic acts, you're avoiding hero stereotypes like I'm avoiding being tact._"

Ash scowled at Misty. "_She _did it."

"_She _didn't have a song that _you _refused to cameo in except to say goodnight, you American-dubbed ass!" she snapped, scowling at the boy.

_This song is getting way too long, but I have a few more verses left.  
Uh, I'm very good at fighting crime, all except ident'y theft.  
And that's just pretty much because I've no idea what that is.  
Ah well, at least I'm pretty, and that's what makes this showbiz!_

_Awesome, just five verses more, and then I'll go get food to eat.  
Oh, hey, there's another thing, at snacking I just can't be beat!  
Grab a fork and get in line we'll go to a dinner buffet.  
I know this awesome place in Pallet, trust me, you'll just love it!_

While Natty fell off her chair to giggle on the floor, Misty rubbed her temples and snarled, "It's buff-_fay_, you idiot, not buff-_ette_."

"_In matters of pronounceable, vocabrical, phoneitcal, Ash, we gotta face it: kid, you're simply made of epic fail._"

Ash scowled. "Yeah, well, spellcheck says two of those aren't really words!"

_In four more verses and just three more of worthless dialogue,  
I'll be hopping out of here like one of those red eyed treefrogs.  
My bestest buddy's Pikachu, I wish that I could marry her.  
'Cuz she is way more cooler than any stupid traveler girl._

Misty grinned. "I'm actually alright with that one. I love Pikachu."

"Me gusta Pikachu. Chica es mi amiga favorita," Natty proclaimed. "Do you know how ridiculously proud I am that I know, like, five phrases in Spanish? I mean, I take a class and I'm getting, like, a B, but still. I can give directions now. Ve a la izquierdo." Then, proudly contradicted what she said by pointing to the right.

"Have you met my sisters?"

_Okay, just two more verses left-three, d'arvit, are you kidding me?  
There's got to be more facets left in my heroic personality.  
Yes, _Misty_, I know words like "facets" so please shut up about it, jees.  
…I'm gonna get Greek salad with giant helpings of white feta cheese._

_So, was it me or did Advance just trash the me we used to know?  
I mean, when it comes to OOC, that's the one that's gotta go.  
I went from an awesome newbie to being scared May's mentor,  
And then act like a kid again when Dawn takes front stage center._

"You don't get it Misty, _everyone _talks like that where I live, _everyone_. I'm smart, I just say 'like'. It's a sentence filler, like 'um'. I mean, like-dammit, I did it again!"

Ash sighed. "What, no funny verses this time?"

The brunette snorted. "No, I don't. Jees, Ash, it's not like I take time to sit down and write song parodies."

_Score I'm on the final verse. I'm really getting sick of this.  
Oh well, I'm sure the readers by this point have surely got the gist.  
This chapter's about being IC and, of course, it's always about me.  
So I leave you to join my famous ten season company._

Natty giggled with joy, Misty groaned, but each finished the song: "_But still, in every matter possible, from heroic acts to hissy fits, he is the very model of an anime protagonist."_

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: This is Ash. Ash is not a macho man. Ash is not intelligent. Ash is your typical anime protagonist, like Naruto from _Naruto _or Serena from _Sailor Moon_. Stupid, whiny, adorable, fun, kiddish, tries their hardest and somehow always manages to win everything but major competitions. Except Serena, because she has friends that help her, otherwise, she would be as fail as all the other main characters.

It's songs like these that make me want to get a youtube account and sing them to the heavens.


	56. Obstruction

Idea from: Chocolate Berry

-insert obvious distraction from yesterday's lack of update here-

Obstruction

James was always a little annoyed when making out with Jessie. Not because she was angry, or because he didn't enjoy being dominated or, much to the author's dismay, because he was gay. It was none of that, it was merely the difficulty of making out. Sure, the lips were fine and the tongue was great and he wasn't too keen on the biting but he figured he would eventually get used to that. Perhaps, soon, he would stop squealing like a schoolgirl whenever she nipped at him.

No, no, the difficult thing was that he liked hair and…

Ash had his hat, Misty her rubberband, Brock his spikes, May her bandana and allegedly bald head behind it, and Jessie…Jessie had hair gel.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: The hair is all tied up and gelled and hidden and people never remember to toss things out. That's, like, the first thing to do. Get that out of the way. Romance, drop the hair. Problem solved. Quite easy, actually.

-sigh- No, I don't actually believe May's bald. Can we all just assume I'm joking and not have to put disclaimers at the bottom?


	57. BATTLE

Standardized test week. Ugh. Working on RT, for those that follow that as well. I've been stressed and I'm sorry it's taking so long.

Battle

_Too short…_

Bulbasaur was released by Paul. Ash released Charizard and FLAMED HIM TO HELL AND 1 AND PAUL SUCKS AND HE'S GAY AND U ALL SUCK! ASH IS ROXZ!

_Too long…_

Ash's hand fell to his red and white spherical pokémon capture device and (Ordinarily, I would give you the description, but during wanderings into the adventure sections, there are literally battles that go on _for chapters_. The chapters are insanely long, filled with yelling and screaming, the pokémon seem to have three million HP, and I simply can't do it. I swore I'd never do this but…_chapters_. Just read the moral.)

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: I suppose the moral is "write a good battle." If you lead up to a battle, you better have that battle, don't walk around it or just declare who won. If you can't handle writing a s y scene, don't have everything lead up to that scene. It's alright to mention the battle if it's not a major plot component, or say, Ash lost several battles in a row and is groveling in self pity at his mother's house. You don't need to describe each one of those battles in detail. But, if Ash has spent the entire story training for the big battle, and you don't freaking mention the big battle, that's really, really bad. I suppose if it was written in first person, and that person couldn't see the battle because something even more plot crucial was going on, or there was a significant purpose to missing said battle, that's alright.  
On the other end of the spectrum, we don't need thirty chapters of explain how Ash trains for battles and him actually battling. _All Quiet on the Western Front _didn't even do that. Granted, it barely qualifies as a war novel because most of it is just rambling about women, tight boots and feeling uncomfortable, and if it ever was anything more than that it's just faded into that blur in my mind. Also, I'm sick of the entire battling being the commands being shouted out and the actual fighting barely being described.

So, more rant than story, but, well, promise the next one will be better!


	58. Crossovers

It's officially Things That Test Natty's Temper Week. And, since so many of you have asked…

Crossovers

T.K from Digimon wandered around, helpless in the fog, calling out for Kari in his English dubbed voice. No one answered him, of course. Not because no one could, but mostly because the only one close enough to hear rather enjoyed the little show, enjoyed that she could clearly see through the fog while wanderers stumbled through it. So he cried and called and eventually found himself at a big metal gate, closed, barred, a black color that rubbed off on his hands when he dared to touch it.

"None shall pass, kiddo. Can't let you through. Do you have any idea the bad it would do?" Natty asked, staring up at him through the metal bars of the crate. "I'm sorry you've been summoned, called her today, but the fact is remaining: you must go away."

He tilted his head slowly, cautious in case the danger he had been anticipating hadn't passed. "You…talk in rhymes."

"I can if I wish and I wish that I can. But, if you like, I'll speak like the mortal man."

"Could you?" he laughed nervously. "The rhyming is a little ominous for me."

She smiled. "You don't have a bad show, really. One could call it a rip off, one could probably prove it. Almost as if they were trying to fix any problems the show had. It didn't really work, but a nice attempt all the same. A nice show, but it's not this show, so you can't come inside."

"Why not?"

She leaned forward, hands still on her folded up knees. "Here there be dragons. There be dragons in yours, sir, but not like these. They come by the thousands, the millions. That's more than data here, more than you might be able to handle. It's for sport, sir, like Romans in an arena. Imagine tossing your little mon down into a battling stage, with people watching, and the little beasts enjoying hurting each other. Imagine being threatened by other people, not digimon, but people for which there is no redemption. There is no true destruction, no true danger. And, in your world, the villains are for the good, the wrong way going about it but for the good. They stop at nothing, not for control, but for power."

He wanted to back away, but her eyes seemed to hold him in place as she carried on: "To change the very DNA that floats in your every cells. There are clones here. There are horror stories, not of death but of things behind the scenes, of conspiracies from tradition so thick it overrides every sensible notion and every emotion. You world is not like this one. This is a purehearted place with nightmares that could make a grown man scream. The shows itself is fine, but, as a stranger…you'll unravel it by simply asking why.

"Wh-how could I unravel it by asking why?"

"Because they've never asked why, and, if they do, it won't be a soft blow. Everything that the world is…everything it's made to be is thanks to that question never being asked." She settled back and smiled. "And that is why you shall not pass."

"It can't all be evil," he said.

"No, it's not." She ran her hands along the ground, grass appearing beneath her fingertips and spreading farther and farth, the world about flowering into a summer forest. "It's as innocent as a world could be. You're not doing anything wrong until you ask why. You've asked the wquestion in your world, so you can't stay. You may be smarter, but you friendships and enemies will never be as simplistic as theirs. You're overqualified for this world, most everything is."

He stepped back, returning to the mist with a shake of his head, words following him away. "What gives rise to all the worst, all the hate and harm? Perhaps you know, perhaps you don't and this knowledge will alarm. It's been said killers, rapists, or humans are the awful, but when all is said and done, it's knowledge that's unlawful."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Natty hates crossovers. These things are always done to [air random people up or prove SHOW A is better than SHOW B. What would the digikids say when they find out pokémon battling isn't to save you from enemies, but a sport? What would Hermione say if she can't stand the treatment of Dumbledore's house elves? And, for the love of freaking cupcakes and chocolate bars, what fricken situation or character in Pokémon can ever realistically lend itself to Twilight, high school, or ninjas?  
Crossovers suck because they blatantly ignore any characterizations or problems that would occur by being sucked into an _alternate universe_.


	59. Game

Since Natty's Temper Week didn't really kick off thanks to Standardized Test Week, we'll try this again, shall we? Monday will kick off that week. This is just a little filler and my little way of flaunting that I got Platinum and the impossibly thick guide that comes with it.

Game

"Alright," the blonde said, breathing deeply. "I'm really sure if I take a step back, and run really, really fast through the grass, no pokémon will have the time to jump out at me. That makes sense, doesn't it?" He began to bounce on his heels, shoving his hands in his pockets in his typical nervous sense. His upper teeth chomped down hard on his lower lip, and he shook his head. "I dunno, I dunno! I don't know, Natty! Should I do it?"

"Go for it," the girl agreed, nodding. "Totally go for it."

"But-"

"It's not stupid. Do it. I'll follow you after. _Do it_."

"It's starting to seem-"

"_Do it_."

"Fine!" The boy took a few steps back, ready to run into the grass, when a voice behind them caused him to stop, and started the adventure rolling.

**

* * *

**"Alright," the blonde said, breathing deeply. "I'm really sure if I take a step back, and run really, really fast through the grass, no pokémon will have the time to jump out at me. That makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Why no!" Cassie cried, self insert full of Mary-Sue prowess. "You can't! If you do, you'll die! I'll keep you safe! Don't go!"

Professor Rowan appeared, Lucas by his side. Lucas was no longer the nerdy, completely obsessed with Professor Rowan to the point where you wonder why there isn't more yaoi between them considering the boy seems to stalk the creepy, pedophile looking old man across the countryside. Instead, he was suave and cool, nodding at the two of them with an awesome air about him. His hair was slicked back, and he looked like Danny from _Grease_.

"Why Cassie, you are an outstanding citizen. Please choose your pokémon while I glare condescendingly at your rival."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: If you're doing a story based off the game plot…don't ruin the game plot. In fact, I quite enjoy these (as unoriginal as most are), and, if I ever find one done very, very well, I would definitely hold it in high regard. You can take artistic liberties as to what the characters are like, change the script up a bit, and obviously cut out the forty hours of training you do. The difference between changing a little (first story) and making your insert look like the most wonderful thing to walk the pokeplanet (Cassie-Sue), is what makes it canon rape.  
The contrast between Eager McBeaver and your responsible attitude is supposed to show that, as long as you really love your pokémon, it's alright to make mistakes. The most important thing in pokémon has always, always been to be a good person, like the underlying moral in Harry Potter is the power of love.


	60. Goth

Gothic

"I'm Gothic," Cassie proclaimed loudly, so loud, in fact, that it washed out the sound of Natty jumping from a chair to slam her head into a nearby desk. "I love vampires and the darkness and werewolves but vamps are way cooler and whenever I cut myself I drink the blood and I had sex with Gary because he's Goth too because I converted him to the darkness and dressed him in black which he looks smexy as hell in."

Indeed, she had done a fairly good job dressing up as a classic baby doll Goth. Her dress was black with lace and it poofed with the insane amount of rustles. Her black lace up combat boots were a bit off, clashing with some other Gothic style. Her makeup was thick, eyeliner, lipstick, blush, eye shadow and mascara, making her look like a child-ravaged doll even more. Her hair had been dyed black with red streaks and many reviewers began having "My Immortal" flashbacks.

"This is not a badfic, you failure!" Natty declared, giving the once blonde a good smack to the back of her head. "Don't you dare bring that shit in here! You've got no idea what Gothic really is and you're making yourself look like a fricken idiot and making Goths look bad."

The girl sniffed, crossing her arms and glaring away from the other. "You're just a prep. You don't understand."

Another smack shut her up and offered a nice lead-in to Natty's tirade. "You listen and you listen good!" she snarled. "I am, by definition, a Goth. It does not mean I dress in black, it does not mean I have an obsession with vampires, and it does not mean I am a whore. Being Gothic comes from Romanticism, it's an art, a literature, and a lifestyle. It's concerning yourself with the aesthetic. And do you know why they wear black? Because they're mourning human society and their obsession with things based on their outer beauty only, having no idea what feeling really is, and completely disengaging themselves from the purity and beauty of nature! It isn't about God damned vampires, do you research!"

She was still breathing heavily when she witness several of her pokémon characters, dressed in black, marched in.

"Oh _hell_ no."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: A) Learn what the hell the group is about before you join. B) The pokémon crew will not ever hold any of the Gothic beliefs close. C) My Immortal is single handedly the worst fanfiction ever written. It was a Harry Potter fanfic, you can find it all over the web and read mockingly on youtube.


	61. Girly Girl

Girly Girl (Or, short fanfic disproportional to rant at end)

"Shopping?" Misty snorted. "I _hate _shopping. I hate it almost as muchas I hate dresses and other girly things. I mean, _Mew_, when was the last time you saw me distracted by make-up or a store? I'm way more into video games and stuff. I hate girly-girls. They're stupid. Like my sisters. Who I totally hate and haven't had any development with in Pokémon Chronicles."

"I'm with ya. Totally tomboy," May agreed, trying not to blink as she put on eyeliner.

"I I was a girly girl," Misty said, racing over. "Which, oh my goodness, I totally am now. I would tell you that you need them that'll wash you you out a million times worse."

"Shoot," May muttered, scowling at the make up case. "Shit, how thick?"

"Let me do," the other said eagerly, taking the case and pulling out a deeper colored blush. "And, like, ohmigawd, after this we can shop until we drop and you can give me a makeover so the boys will totally notice me."

May did her best to hold back her giggles so her face wouldn't be ruined and agreed, "Oh my, like, gawd."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Misty's not a hardcore tomboy any more than May is a hardcore girly girl. Granted, May's still too girly for my liking and Misty's just boyish enough to get a thumbs up. May can go on adventures and show some spine (and _not _be a damsel in distress) and Misty could easily fit in with the other girls (albeit a little confused why they won't talk about pokémon battles as much as she does). However, May would not take full care of a gym anymore than Misty could last a day with just girls. They're not a stereotype, there's character.

[Rant/]

Even though Advanced was quite possibly the worst characterization of Ash ever and that's why I hate it, not because of the Misty/May crap. He's supposed to be the stupid noob trainer, will always be the stupid noob trainer, who goes by his heart and stomach and uses logic once every thirty episodes and then blows your fricken mind because it's like he saves up smart person points and blows them all in one sitting. In Advance, he was her fricken mentor. I didn't like that. Then, to make it worse, she goes away and Ash is stupid noob Ash again. EpIc FaIl.

As for May, they didn't do a bad job with her. Granted, there's been no growth more than a quick lesson of the day on that show and, honestly, if anyone tells me that Misty, Ash, Brock, may or anyone else had character development I'll laugh my butt of. There's only a couple of things and those are only plot devices (-snorts- plot) aka Ash leaving pokémon, Misty's fear of gyarados (wtf?), May's "fear" of pokémon that we never actually see and constantly begs the questions A) how someone could spend their entire lives with pokémon and fear them B) why she would trainer pokémon in the first place. I mean, if you were afraid of dog would you be an animal control officer? No. New writers of pokémon, you epic fail.

In order to redeem her, I give her this:

May: Oh no! A pokémon! –snuggles into 8 year old Brendan- I'm so scared! Protect me Brenden!  
Brenden: You're scared of pokémon?  
May: Yeah. –smells his shirt- You use Tide.  
Brenden: Leggo! Girls are icky!

And that's why May says she fears pokémon. Congrats, follow brunette, you've been redeemed.

[/rant]


	62. Skinny Jeans

**Idea from: Lonewalker**

Many of my dear reviewers have abandoned me…but why?

_Tra la la, gonna get bitched at, tra la la…If you can't take a Twilight joke, run away now, tra la la…tra la la…_

Skinny Jeans

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was a self proclaimed uggo. Her man was Be…May. Yeah. Her name was May (and this totally isn't my plot and characters so DON'T SUE MEEEEEE!!!apple! But Stephanie wouldn't sue because she's super nice and doesn't charge for autographs or anything…wait…) Anywho, this is May and she used to live in Hoenn but she moves to Kanto (ew, Kanto sucks!) because she was being super nice to her mom even though she didn't want to go.

Let me tell you how much Kanto sucks, how much it isn't like Hoenn, and what the weather is like. -3 chapters later- And I really _hate the cold_. (El, oh, freaking, el)

Everyone at school, "OHEMGEE BEL…MAY YOU'RE SO PRETTY WE LOVE YOU! LET US SHOW YOU TO CLASS AND DO OTHER NICE THINGS FOR YOU AND ASK FOR NOTHING IN RETURN BUT YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME PRESENCE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE TECHNICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE UGLY AND AN OUTSIDER AND DULL!"

May glared at her books. "Ew…ugly people like me. Lame."

But the brunette's eyes widened (bcuz blondes SUk!), her mouth dropping open with awe as she whispered, "Screw the car, Daddy, buy me _that _one. I promise not to hate you or call you Norman behind your back like an emo teen if you buy me _that _one."

"That's Edward Cullen…" Natty explained. Natty paused. "Er, Drew Cullen. And that's his family Dawn, Paul, Misty and Ash Ketchum. Ash has a different name because he's special, and because Cassie is a little twit who doesn't quite realize what she typed. Don't get me wrong, Cassie is real nice and all, but she's a little twit who can't write. On the bright side, at least this is insanely short and not filled with purple prose in the slightest."

"Wow, that's awesome!" May said enthusiastically.

"They're all paired together, except Drew." Natty looked down at her food and began to pick at it, making a face at the hot steam hitting her glasses and temporarily blinding her.

"Wow, that's so-wait, aren't they siblings?"

She shrugged. "They're adopted. It's still illegal, but adopted."

"Wow, that's so awesome!"

Drew suddenly stood up, his pale whiteness as pale as pale could be. He was as white as paper. And he was hot. Really, really hot. In fact, so hot, that every time he appears there's at least one reference to his beauty. Ah, what horny little girls were sucked into that venomous, sexy trap? He put an apple on the table, an apple that had turned to ice due to his ice cold skin. "I've evil. Stay away. Your theories are stupid, because I'm evil, and I'm not the good guy. I'm evil."

May sighed dreamily as the boy sauntered away. "He's just the _sex_."

**DURING CHEMISTRY**

"Oh shit," Drew said in Chemistry, covering his nose and running away…again.

May stared blankly ahead. "It appears my Sue powers are flickering. If he doesn't love me soon, I may have to destroy him."

One of her many love puppies popped up from out of nowhere, cuddling against her arm. His cheek rubbed up and down in pure, creepy love of the half-albino girl (LOLWHUT? You can't be half albino anymore than you can be half blue eyed). He looked up at her with hope in his eyes, hope that his feelings would be returned, and asked: "What, my love?"

"Do your homework, pet," she snarled. "Do it and _like _it because my hair smells like _Goddamn strawberries_!"

"Holy crow!" he cried, jumping out of his state of love due to her venomous voice.

She sent up a shriek that made birds fly from the room. "That's _my _thing!"

**LATERZ**

May was hunkered down in the parking lot, on one side of a van. This would be known as Tyler's Van, and there is, in fact, a team devoted to this van (Team Tyler's Van), due to the scene about to occur. Why would people approve of this van? Perhaps because people like vans. Perhaps because it might be fuel efficient. Perhaps because it was driven by an African American lad in the movie, and we must give mad props to the minorities. It's best assumed, however, it's because that truck tried it's best and valiantly died to do a very, very brave thing…

"Damsel in distress plan A, Takeshi, are you ready?" May whispered to the boy in the car, commonly known as Brock.

"Why do I-?" he started.

She glared at him, cutting him off with a snarky: "You're the one because everyone knows Asians can't drive."

"Bitch, you better put out after-"

"Shut up and drive!" she cried, and promptly kicked the side of the van. She rushed to stand by her truck, put her iPod headphones on (and began jamming to such hits as _Ohemgee, Love Me _and _Shit, My Lover Watches Me At Night _by _He's A Fricken Stalker_), and waited for that joyful moment when she would be crushed by the van and readers could begin squealing with joy. But, wait, how are there possibly so many pages, er, paragraphs left?

The car zoomed forward at a snail's pace. She screamed. Dramatically pressing herself to the side of the truck and putting a dramatic hand to her forehead, she waited to be crushed by the impossibly slow oncoming vehicle. Drew strolled over and calmly tugged her away from the car, his icy hand like manacles around her wrists, leaving her no chance to escape and certainly not a horrible choice of words in a day where sexism is finally being acknowledged as a form of prejudice.

"You're so fast!" she swooned. "And your hands are cold! Which is hot! Because I hate the cold! …Wait…"

"I'm bitchin' like that," Drew said, proving his coolness. He flipped his icy hair in a sexy manner, sending snow everywhere as his icy aura created a freezing breeze in the air. The water particles froze and fluttered down. That's totally operational science. And, if it's not…forget it. It's fantasy. I can do what I want. "Oh, and beware Takeshi, he wants to get in your skinny jeans and/or beat the hell out of you."

"I know. I promised he could if-ohmemew, how'd you know!" she gasped, holding a hand to her wide open mouth.

"Because I'm bitchin'," Drew explained with yet another flip of his hair. "Stay away from me. I'm evil."

"I have questions!" she exclaimed.

"I'll snap you back like a twig and drink your blood, baby." He winked, as if drinking blood was some kind of an innuendo.

"But-"

"I'm a vampire."

May punched him in the stomach, hard. Drew doubled over, and in a very Misty-like way, she held his shoulders and kneed him in the face, ignoring the blood/venom that leaked over her skinny jeans and wore a hole through them, they would have burned through her flesh if not for her thirty love interests rushing up to clean his leg. "STFU, this is supposed to keep you in suspense for another hundred pages. It's the mystery of the story."

Drew blinked, then pulled a Twilight book from nowhere, flipping it over and reading carefully. "But it says on the back-"

"I don't care! May wants, May gets, so be drama!" Then, gracefully, she kicked him in the groin and stormed away.

**BEDROOM**

"Can I tell you I'm a vampire now?" Drew asked, pouting on the bed.

"I don't care. I love you anyway." May tossed herself into his _icy arms_. She hated the snow outside, but she loved the icy coolness of his stony flesh. He was like a cold, marble statue. Because, when I think sexy, I think a cold, hard, marble statue would be the prime thing to have sex with.

Drew, apparently, had his mind headed in the same direction. "Let's have sex."

She pulled away slightly. "That's _my_ job. You say no and try to talk me into marriage."

"So that's why girls like this," he muttered to himself.

"Edward, Drew, whatever, I want you!"

"Cool. Naked time."

She picked up a pillow and smacked his head with it. "Dammit, Drew, you suck at this!"

"Isn't sucking the point of….three ways that can be interpreted. I win!"

"Win what?"

"The Innuendo of the Day Challenge?"

"They have that?"

"No. But if it existed, I'd _totally_ win."

**BASEBALL**

They were playing baseball. Technically, two couples were making out while Drew played baseball with himself, which isn't really an innuendo, but could be entered in the contest if one wished it to be so. Dawn and Paul were together on the grass, Ash and Misty just a few feet away. Misty looked up a few moment later, and asked if they'd like to switch partners. They did, and seemed to enjoy it. After all, they were already breaking several laws, no reason not to be a little bit swinger.

"Hey everybody!" said Casey, swinging her bat around her proudly. "Can I play?"

"No," Drew said.

"What?" Her lower eyelid had begun to twitch and the bat was swinging a bit faster now, almost aggressively. In fact, not almost, but insanely so. The bat began to slam into the ground again and again, dirt and grass flying up about her. "I can't…I can't…" Her eyes darkened. "I can't play?

"Well, screw you!" And, with that, she went after May with the bat, slamming it into the screaming girl repeatedly.

"Drew!" May cried desperately. "Save me!"

"Sure! It's the least I could do since you let me into your skinny jeans. Oh _wait_."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: A) Alright, so it's not enough that you can't use your own characters, but you're going to take somebody else's plot? Tell me, what part of this is "creative"? It's not your stuff! Stop freaking stealing from others! Oh my goodness! B) It's almost impossible to do these and keep them in character, and most people just change the names and keep the personality of the characters they're replacing.

Ketchum Kid said: On you're rant, I have to disagree-SO CLOSE!-with you. Even though Advanced-NOT AGAIN!!-didn't have the best plotline, It had some of the best graphics, best musical-F_YOU GIRATINA!!-score, and the mentor-student actions were nice to see actually. Especially when Ash doesn't follow his own teachings. Plus, at least 4Kids was still dubbing. That perfectly ruined seasons 9 and 10.

My reply: I never said anything about graphics or musical score, there's no argument they improved there, just like there's no argument the graphics got better in season 10 (eh, about the same on the music score). As for the mentor, the point is: Ash _isn't _a mentor. It's like it was some weird crapfic from a Misty hater. "yah, so, misty goes back 2 teh gim and this new gurl may comez and ash haz 2 teach her!!!!eleven!!"  
I would have understood it if it was a nice transition, such as: Ash has no idea how to teach the girl, Brock has to step in and help them both constantly. Then, towards the end of the season, Ash would improve and then all next season he got to be her mentor, which she kinda didn't need becauseshewassortaMarySueish_anywho…_And then, season ten (or eleven, I've lost count), Dawn appears and the teaching continues. But it doesn't. So it's completely stupid and any "character development" was just another plot device (-snorts again- Because pokémon totally had a plot past season one) and a terrible attempt to make a better Ash. Even if he was "nice to see" that way, he's _not _a mentor, there was no transition to it, and I hate the new writers as much as I hate the old ones.  
I'm surprised to find someone who doesn't think the 4kids dub sucks. It's, like, universally agreed that it sucks. I like the character voices, but the dub itself sucked and I'm glad CN took over, they made May's second season way better than the first, though the dub can't fix the original's flaws…


	63. Flood

**Idea from: Sage Monarch (and prob'ly a few others)**

Flood

Cassie beamed out at the camera. "Hey everyone! This totally isn't an effort to get reviews, but if you want to be in the story: give you name, age, appearance, like your hair color and eyes color, pokémon, and some stuff that makes you, you!"

"This feels corporate," Natty whined. "You didn't even ask for personality! Well, the stuff that makes you, you, crap, but everyone's just going to post their magical powers of fricken awesomeness. Besides, all this ever brings are Sues. Well, I didn't get any Sues when I did it, but I had smart reviewers, smart reviewers who stick with me to this very day, mostly. And I thank them very much for it. But you can't start a story asking for-"

"Characters!"

"Fine. Ignore Natty. Natty doesn't care," she muttered bitterly.

"I need lots of characters! So submit yours in a review as soon as possible! And if you forget something, log out and review anonymously. This is totally not a gimmick to get more reviews!"

"Corporate. Totally corporate. I can't believe this, Cassie. I tried so hard to train you, to steer you away from the wickedness of organized society, where social norms dictate what you can and can't do, whether it be punk or prep, groups looking down ipon each other because society deems they do. Where's the acceptance? Where's the love?" She grinned and began to sing to herself. "_People killin', people diein', children hurtin' hearing them cryin'. Will you practice what you preach, or will you turn the other cheek?_"

"No karaoke!" Cassie snapped. "We're not going to get any Sues."

"Said Cassie-Sue.

"I'm not-oh! A review from Sage Monarch!"

Name: Raven Takahashi Sakura Bell Flower.  
Age: 15  
Gender: Female (oveously, LOL!1)  
Personality: Raven is nice, and kind, and witty, and makes friends with every pokemon and humans aroudn her!  
Pokemon: Every fricken legandary out there!  
Other: She can talk to pokemon!

"That's creative."

"It's corporate!"

"No one is ever going to believe you if you don't stop exaggerating. Sue, maybe, but-oh! More reviews!"

Name: Magical Sunshine Flower Moonshine  
Age: 13  
Gender: Girl  
Personality: shes realy sweat and awsum.  
Pokémon: Mew, Mewtwo, Eevee, Umbreon, Espeon  
Other: she can talk 2 pokémon, she iz sykick.

Name: Angel  
Age: 18  
Gender: Girl  
Personality: She's really depressed because her parents used to beat her and she kills herself a lot and she cuts herself and sometimes she has really bad nightmares because her parents used to beat her but she never did drugs and she's straight edge like me which is cool and she has a daemon in the shape of a dolphin which is from His Dark Materials which is really awesome but she's a witch so she can keep away from her when she needs them too.  
Pokémon: Lugia, Celebi, Mew, Dragonite, Kyogre, Dratini, Articuno, Articuno  
Other: She can talk to pokémon, and she's psychic, and she has a special bond with Legendaries.

"Hey, uh, BSR?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you delete a story?"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Submit-a-Character will only work if you are A) highly selective and B) have good reviewers, like my lovely ones! And never let them have magic powers. Ever. That'll end terribly no matter what.

On a personal note, I could only do this once. The stress of making sure everyone was IC almost killed me. It's not as easy as one would think. Not at all.

Aw, lookit! Cassie's _learning_! Yay! Sadly, I think I'm probably going to chop this off at 100, so, submit any ideas you can think of, once I hit 100 we'll have to stop!


	64. Eating Disorder

**Idea from: Alyss Ashworth  
**

Eating

_Once upon a time, in a far away land called Kanto, there was a girl named Misty, a boy named Ash, and a boy named Brock. They weren't meant for a kid's show, as they had strangely become gorgeous, as if tossed though a machine that contorts the body and face to that of a modern day beauty. Behold their sexiness and weep, for thou shall never be as hot as them. They were perfect and glorious in all their gloriousness and their gloriousness was what made them beautiful in their prettiness. They could not argue that such beauty was divine, as only something as beautiful as the divine could create such beauty. Not everyone in the world was as pretty as them, although they were awed by their glory, because it was glorious and…_

"I know it's a classic, but it's not very good writing. Great story, I know, I love the plot and the message, but I don't have the slightest idea what any of the characters look like. It's quite vague at times, so the message in the story is hard to back up with proof, and there's never any insight as to why the antagonist does what he does. I mean, sure, it's been guessed at and there's many other stories that are decided as canon as to what happened, but the book itself delivers no insight. If anything, it seems to be open to interpretation, but other than that, it's just a really long self help book, like your own little path to Enlightenment." Natty turned the pages of the large book in her hands.

Max looked up at his sister beside the crackling bonfire. "May, is it legal to critique the Bible?"

"It's not bad," she continued. "Quite enjoyable. I'd recommend it to anyone, though I supposed I'm always a bit lenient with these sort of things. I do love religion, it's always interesting and always contains some good message. Salvation was quite key in the later half of this one, but I did enjoy the idea in the first half, that hell did not exist."

"You're really weird," Max accused.

"Well, ya don't want to listen to Cassie rant about teens being sexy, do you? It'll only st up unreasonable expectations for when you grow."

"But you're mocking the Bible!"

"I am not," Natty cried indignantly. "It's a great book, but you don't read the Bible for the writing style any more than you watch Pokémon for the exceptional animation! You used the both for the message of love and friendship and acceptance behind it. And for the violence and sex, y'know, to keep them both entertaining."

_Out of nowhere, a new girl appeared._

Natty squealed and jumped up. "Can I be the Sue? I wanna pretend to be perfect! I'll totally dress up like a boy or a porcupine or a pokémon or a girl or whatever!"

_Why would you dress up as a-never mind. Fine, one day, out of nowhere a mediocre girl appeared, and the narrator ignore the indignant cry of: "Bitch called me mediocre!" because mediocre was a perfectly acceptable word for ugly, ugly Natty. Sorry, but Natty wasn't gorgeous. She was quite the plain Jane, in fact, and her personality wasn't that great either. Not to mention the fact that she's flatter than flat. I can see why she's never had a boyfriend. If I was a boy, I would date her. I'd throw eggs at her and leave her in a basement to die. But Ash wasn't too bright, and her lack of beauty and personality went right over his head. He liked her despite the fact that she really, really sucks and no one in their right mind would like her._

"Ew." Natty pulled a face. "I don't wanna be paired with Ash. He's icky and smells like cheeseburgers, which makes me hungry. Granted, he's a great guy, sorta, but he's sorta like the family pet. He's always hungry, funny, stupid, runs into things, and having sex with it would be illegal."

He laughed, snatching at the hem of her loose shirt. "But I love you! Let's get married!"

"Get away!" she shouted with a squeal, racing off across the valley with Ash hot on her tail.

_Misty saw that the two had fallen in love._

"Really?"

_And she instantly became jealous. I mean, how _didn't _she? They were so close, always sitting close together and talking and being romantic with one another. Even Brock was jealous! The two were just so happy together._

"Natty hit me!"

"Brock, he _touched _me. I'm allowed to hit him if he _touches _me."

"I was pulling her hand away from _my plate_!"

"Golly gee," said Misty unconvincingly. "Since she's so pretty, Ash has fallen in love with her. Time to stop eating, get a disorder, and hope that Ash realizes she doesn't want me to die before it's too late. The only question is whether I go bulimic or anorexic…throwing up doesn't sound pretty. I'll just not eat anymore. Yay!"

"I'm glad we're able to handle these topics in a serious way, like suicide, religions and eating disorders. Let's try politics next!" the little boy suggested sarcastically.

Natty chomped down into her hot dog, pushing the meat to the corner of her mouth and muttering, "Alright. Let's guess what country Obama is from. We're allowed to use things like his name and American birth certificate."

_Misty didn't eat, and as a result-_

"Became hot due to unrealistic womanly expectations and the fact that, for a while, Misty actually _would _look good until the rest of the pounds shed off, leaving shrunken bones on a once gorgeous ballerina's body?"

_No. She didn't eat and got way too thin and she got sick and everyone noticed._

"I'm not hungry."

"Dibs!"

She pouted. "Dammit, Ash, I wanted that!"

_And Ash confronted her._

"Are you going to finish that?"

"No."

"Score."

_And confessed his undying love._

Ash cocked his head to the side, giving the slightest of grins. "Y'know what Misty, I love the new look. Did you change you hair? New clothes?"

"Nah, I lost some weight."

"Well, whatever it is, you look really good. Keep it up."

She smiled at him, a shy, proud smile. "Will do, Ash, will do."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: First off, eating disorders, like cutting, generally come from control issues or media pressure, not from a rival love interest of your crush. The control over what you eat, or the desire to become what society wants you to be is, in fact, much more powerful than love. It messes with your mind, poisons you, and leads you to the point where you honestly don't know what you're doing. The question, "Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?" is very common, and pointless, because, _no_, they can't. That's why they keep doing it. It takes major psychiatric help to fix it. Next, girls, for a limited time, _will look hot_. Like it or not, society _wants _that. They look good, but then it goes too far and _then _they need help, but for a very long time (or, if they manage to balance it perfect, forever) they look fricken great.

By the way: No man would actually want to date a model. They look really good in the magazines, but they're generally insanely tall and have absolutely no curves, this makes the clothes look better and, as a result, them. Very few women are drop dead gorgeous, most are airbrushed, and they only portray one type of beauty, even though there are several.

About the Bible Thing: So, during religion class, we had to read Bible passages and write down what they were about. It was really stupid, not in the sense that the Bible is stupid, but in the sense all the passages were like, "Drop your nets and I will make you a fisher of men!" and we had to write, "they dropped their nets and went to be fishers of men" which was just really busy work and really annoying. So, half way through this, my addled mind, thinking I was reading one of my fantasy books (I was insanely tired), critiqued it, wondered what the hell the book was called and how this weirdly formatted book got published, and figured out that I had just critiqued the Bible. –facepalm- I need to get to bed earlier.


	65. Fabrication

Fabrication

"Cow tipping," she said disbelievingly. "That's what this is. I can't believe it. I mean, I'm a well-to-do girl. I'm from Cerulean. It's a good city. It's a respectable city. Hell, I was _trashy _in that city. I was white trash. I was the town hillbilly, no joke. And you…well, yeah, let's just forget this and go back to the house. I thought that we were going swimming, and hat do you do? Cow tipping. Ash Ketchum, you're taking me on some over glorified cow tipping trip. What the hell, Ash? What the hell?"

"Oh, come on," he snorted, casting at his eyes her way. "You've never gone magitossing?"

She glared back, arms crossed over her chest. "No. I have a soul."

"They enjoy it, you know," he said after a moment of silence, his voice sudden. He giggled at her jump. "They're part flying type. It's sad they can never fly. It's fun for us. Let's help them fulfill their dream and entertain us at the same time. Everyone wins! And it's water anyway, they just land in water, not fire or concrete or something dangerous. There's no way they can get hurt, so it isn't mean. Maybe it's a guy thing and you just don't understand."

"You heartless jerk!" Misty shouted, stomping her foot in waist high water (which, unsurprisingly, was about as effective as magikarp's splash attack). "Gyarados are part flying type, magikarp are only water! You're terrible! I bet they don't like it at all!"

"Magi-kaaaarp!" The creature cried as it was picked up and chucked deeper into the ocean. Ash laughed, Misty scolded, but more magikarp swam over, crowding around the boy's legs in a wild tangle of fins and bones.

"See? Look how happy they are! They love being tossed!"

Misty cocked her head to the side. "Are they trying to be friends or attack?"

"Wanna see who can throw them harder?"

There as another awkward silence, broken by: "Ash?"

"Yeah, Misty?"

"Will you do me a favor and shoot me between the eyes?"

**

* * *

**"Hey Misty," Dawn asked, looking up casually from her magazine, "how come some nights you wake up screaming?"

"Oh, that? That's because my mom was a serial killer. She used to try and kill me and my sisters, yelled a lot too. I was the one who found the bodies in the basement, all mangled and gross and cut up. I still have the flashbacks, sometimes. Sometimes Mother is pinning Lily to the floor, threatening to pour hot melted candlewax on her if she didn't say where Violet was. Sometimes it's the night Mother killed father in cold blood, then chopping him up and ate his body after cooking him in the oven."

"Oh. Are you-?" the girl started.

"The therapy fixed most of that, No I just have slight angers problems, social defects and the overbearing fear that I'll become my mother. I hope the lake trip is fun. Dawn, do me a favor: don't go on the trip. I've got this horror movie feeling."

**

* * *

**"You see, Ash, you're actually a pokémorph. Totally. You change during times of danger."

"But I've been in danger lots of times before this," Ash said to the ominous voice coming from all around him.

"Not _deathly_ danger."

"Dud, I've died about thirteen times and I come back every single time. I'm pretty sure this rinky dink plot doesn't cover it. Oh no, guns! Screw it, Palkia _dissolved the planet like salt in water._ Legendary: 1, human: fail."

"Stop using slang! You're still stuck in the nineties!"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belond. If you said "Scenario 3", you are correct, sir! If you're going to do AU, cool, but if you're going to try and follow the plotline (-giggles- plotline)…then disregard the plotline, go away. Making up stuff is fine, embellish, but don't do things already covered.

List of Coverable Things: Ash's childhood, Ash's dad, Ash's extended family, anyone's extended family, Misty's parents, military, government, region politics, region folktale/songs/myths/culture, Brock getting a girl, Brock's real eyes, here the hell his mom went, May's childhood, May's fear of pokémon, May's reason for being a coordinator, May not thanking the spirit that Max is her little brother, pokereligions, May's boobs (at ten? Really?), why Max is so fricken awesome, why Psyduck is so fricken awesome, why all dragon types except dratini are underrated, if Ash gives his hat to each girl he ditches and much, much more!

…So…anyone see the shameless alternate story reference?


	66. Sex

**Idea from: Many people**

**No descriptions, don't freak.**

Sex

"So…you're like…in me, technically," Misty said awkwardly. The boy above her nodded, and she wiggled a bit under the covers. "Right, so…yeah. It's more weird than painful or anything. It's not real pleasurable. It's just like…dunno. Like something is stuck in there. Not real sexy. It's not like you're insanely small or big or anything…maybe if you move?"

Ash frowned. "I don't think we're doing it right."

"We have to be," she debated. "I mean, you thing is in my thing so all you have to do now is move it around. We're doing it right. Maybe we're bad at it."

"That's worse than doing it wrong!"

"Just start…doing whatever it is you're supposed to do-whoa, that's weird as hell. Stop, seriously, I'm going motion sick. It's all weird and repetitive. I think I need a pill for this. I'm all lightheaded."

"I think you're supposed to be. You know, all lightheaded with pleasure. Maybe you're so happy you don't notice or something?"

"No…no, I'm pretty sure it's because I starved myself for 3 weeks to get into that dress. 2 weeks. Maybe that's why I'm nauseous."

"So, are you…not a virgin? Cuz there wasn't a thing."

"A hymen? Please, exercise, tampons, and riding Gyarados have trashed that thing, thank Mew." She paused for a moment. "Could we eat first and do this later? I'll probably pass out otherwise."

"Sure," he said awkwardly, pulling away. "I'm kinda turned off now, anyway."

"I noticed."

"Nice."

"But it was real hard to tell the difference, you know, it's about the same up as it is down, and my eyesight isn't that great."

"_Real nice_."

**

* * *

**May gave a bloodcurdling scream and yanked away, curling up under the covers and clutching a pillow tight. Her eyes filled with tears, and though she didn't sob, the load moans of agony were more than enough to show him that she was in some serious pain. Drew tried to calm her, but she punched him hard in the stomach, doubling him over, and went back to moaning. Again and again he came back, until finally she kicked the thing that harmed her so.

They considered trying again but neither felt very "in the mood".

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Sex is painful, awkward and unsatisfying your first time. Just like kisses, it's something to look back on and giggle about. Stop making it magical and giving us virgin girls unrealistic dreams. It's going to end in disappointment. With the right guy, and with lots of practice, you'll get better…but first time sucks. Losing your virginity hurts in more ways than one.

It's short, but I'm tired and need to get to sleep…plus, I just got Zoo Tycoon 2, since the old one is vanish and the computer it was went die. :D


	67. Drunk

Drunk

"Well," Misty said to the quiet room of Brock, Ash and May. "You're all boring as hell. So I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to get drunk as hell so I'll be fun as hell and then we'll all head to hell for one helluva a party. I think it's going to be fun. You can record me if you want, for evidence that I did something stupid. That'll keep it lively. We can just bring it up whenever we need something to laugh about."

"What region are we in?" Brock asked sleepily.

"Um, Johto, I think," May said, pulling out her poketech. "Yeah, we're definitely in Johto. Why?"

"It's legal here, go ahead. Misty get two six packs. Ash, get the camera and prepare yourself. You're about to see a girl naked for the first time."

"Not in the unedited versions!"

**ONE BEER**

"You know, I don't think I really like the taste of alcohol," she said, turning the empty bottle in her hand. "I'm really warm, warm and tingly. It feels like love is supposed to feel like." She grinned and giggled. "I'm in love with beer, that's funny, 'cuz I don't like the taste. Get it? Get it? That's funny as hell."

**TWO BEERS**

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener." She snorted and giggled. "Wiener. That's a funny word. It's also something Brock can't keep in his pants. Brock, chain up your wiener! Keep it in your pants, dammit!"

**THREE BEERS**

"We need Britney Spears! I need to hear her beautiful voice serenade me and none of this Womanizer crap! I was classic Britney! Oops! I Did It Again! Take it away Britney!"

"Are you going to sing?"

"Of course not! How drunk do you think I am?"

**FOUR BEERS**

"_Oops, I, did it again. Nanananana, na na na na na, ooh baby, na na, oops, you think I'm a dove, I fit like a glove! I'm so innocent!"_

"Those aren't the words."

"Go die in a hole, May. I could kill you with a damned toothpick! I'm that _grrrreat. Frosted flakes are more than good…they're grrrreat!_"

**FIVE BEERS**

"Y'know, I always loved Psyduck. Really. He's a nice pokémon, tries his best even though his best sucks. 'Minds me of you, Ketchum. I love you. And Brock. And my sisters and everyone! Even you May, sorry for threatening you with a toothpick earlier. I could kill you, but I wouldn't. Except Tracey. He touches my sister. Y'know what we should do? Kill 'em. Then chop off his Oscar Meyer wiener." She fell to drunken laughter. "Wiener is a funny word. Keep it in your pants, Brock!"

**SIX BEERS**

"Hey Misty," Tracey grinned, opening the door to Oak's reservation.

"You're fat," she told him, then promptly threw up in the bushes.

**SEVEN BEERS**

"Hey everyone, it's Girls Gone Crazy! Nope, made you look! You don't get to see the twins. I've never named my boobs. Maybe I should. This one's Bud and this one's Wiser." She giggled. "I wanna fly like a wombat. Ash, I just want to let you know that not all pickles climb trees. Wait, that's not what I meant. I meant what I said and I said what I meant, something, something one hundred percent!"

**EIGHT BEERS**

"I'm invincible," she whispered to the camera. "I've never told anyone this before, but I am. I have superpowers. I can, like, fly and stuff. Seriously. But you can't tell _anyone _ because it's a secret and if the secret gets out I'll be hunted down and killed by the other superpowered people."

"Misty, did you buy brownies earlier?"

"Yes."

"You are aware that you've only had six beers, and after that you've been eating a batch of special brownies?"

"Drunk and high are the same thing, right?"

"No. Being drunk makes you stupid and gives you confidence. Being high makes you delusional and gives you impossible to achieve goals. Like being invincible."

"Actually, I think a wooden steak or silver bullet might do the trick."

"Can't argue with ya there, Vampira."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Alright, if you've never been drunk or never seen a drunk or haven't read a good story about being drunk, don't do drunk fics. Half of them never make any sense to me, as I come from a family of drinkers (excepting my parents) and don't understand why drunk people are acting like they've had a batch of Hyde's special brownies. Next, I hate that people always do the same "OMG they're teens and drinking!" crap. At ten these kids are sent out into a wild thicket full of things that want to _eat them_ and _have the ability to do so_, but they can't drink? Also, it probably varies from region to region. Maybe May has a glass of win and all the Kanto kids freak out because it's legal in Hoenn…and then they get drunk and fun times occur. All in all, your logic makes no sense.

But, then again, in America the drinking age is 21. We can get married, drink, drive, vote, and are declared adults at 18, but we can't…have…liquor. Because win is way more intense than deciding _the next leader of our country _or getting into a metal trap that, nationwide, is known for having one crash every seven seconds.

So, alcohol or drugs: do your research and pick that poison carefully.


	68. Years Ahead

**Idea from: Soaringdragon43**

I used my Master Ball to catch Giratina. Don't judge. What else am I going to use it for? _What_?

Years Ahead

Misty wrinkled her nose, focusing fully on the paddleball game she bounced up and down in her hand. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it as if to think about her words for a moment, then tried again: "Babies smell good and they're fun to make, but I don't really want them anymore. How old do they have to be before we kick them out?"

"Ten," Ash said proudly, then swore loudly as Giratina broke out of yet another pokeball. "Seven more years to go!"

The girl waved at the vidphone and her two three year olds staring at her from the other end of the line. Their round faces chubby with babyfat, blood smeared across their mouths from a long day of hunting. "Don't worry, kids, five more years and you can start traveling like we are right now! Bye-bye, and don't set the house on fire!"

And they gallivanted off to region XYZ.

**

* * *

**"Aren't you excited?" asked Raven, her long black hair cascading down her back.

"Yup," said Cherry, whose bright red hair had streaks of black in it. "Can you call me Black Cherry from now on?"

"Sure! How'd you come up with that great name?"

"My hair."

"That really clever!" The five year old sighed dreamily. "Only five years until we get to go on a journey! C'mon! Let's go kill dinner!"

**

* * *

**"Yay!" cried Raven. "Daddy, Mommy, what'd you get us?"

Ash stared blankly at the screen. "Us?"

"Yeah, me n' Black Cherry!"

He cocked his head to the side. "…Are you both ours?"

"Don't be silly, Daddy, we're twins!" she insisted.

Ash opened his mouth, then scowled, turning to look at his swimming wife in the distance. "Misty, we had two?"

The girl blinked, standing up from the water and holding her azumaril close to her chest. "Well, holy crap. I think we did have two! What do they want?"

The two chimed, "Pokémon!"

"Isn't that what Oak is for?"

"Oak's dead."

"When the hell did that happen?"

"Magikarp?" Misty suggested loudly. "You want magikarp? They're cute. And fun to toss!"

"We want pichus!"

"Spoiled brats. We never should have taken good care of you!"

"We've been alone since Mama stopped breast feeding."

"Well…good parents ditch their children. Haven't you been watching the show?"

"Come on, Dad," Raven insisted. He was very insistent.

"Weren't you a girl a minute ago?"

"_No_, Dad, _GAWD._ You're so stupid even though you're the Pokémon Master and nobody can beat you in a battle because you're made of awesome. How am I supposed to live up to that? O can't be like you! I'm dark and disturbed and all you want to do is change me. Well, I didn't vote Obama, Dad! I don't want change! I just want to write poetry and I want you to accept and understand me! The only one who understand me is my girlfriend, Black Cherry!"

"You two are dating now? I thought you were siblings!"

"I'm an only child, Dad, how can you be so insensitive? Just give me a Pikachu and we'll be on our way!"

"I want a tentacruel."

Misty pumped her fist in the air, filled with pride. "That's my girl!"

"No, it's not, we had one kid and it was a boy."

"I wanna go to a different fanfiction now."

He hung up the phone. "Well, we could always try for a girl…or twins."

"Nah," she shook her head. "You're not very good at it."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: These? Yeah. These suck. Don't do them. Ever. That, and the odds that Ash and Misty, even _if _married, would ever have kids are highly slim, same with any Ash pairing. He's a freaking traveler so stop making him settle down! He wouldn't do it.


	69. More Eggs And Max!

Eggs

May slammed her head into the desk, just once, and let it lay there. She was quite sure that Drew may have been looking, that Max's eyes were on her, but she wasn't quite sure what else to do in a situation like this. Quite frankly, in some instances, headdesk is the only verb that matters. Drew had applauded her, as she had shown no sign of pain, no twitch, no shout, and she kept her head down on the desk until the girl had walked away.

Max touched his sister's shoulder, squeezing it in a reassuring way. "What'd she say, sis?"

May put her head in her hands. "She asked me if her pokemon would need help comng out of the egg. I said they _evolved_ out of eggs. She told me that it didn't make sense. In the pokemon world, she said _that _didn't _make sense_. Of all the things, teleportation, the creation and destruction of matter, and _that _doesn't _make sense._"

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Once again, if you're going to defy fandom logic (all pokémon come from eggs) you need a darn good explanation as to why this pokémon is pregnant and all the others lay eggs. Pokémon all lay eggs, or they don't have babies at all.

"Wait, wait."

**

* * *

**Max pushed Natty and her props for the end of the chapter off the stage, and the poor girl ran screaming after them. Drew and Max, sympathetic as they were, took the time to snicker as she chased after them, only to be sorely disappointed as she was suddenly distracted by a pokémon, snatched a pokeball, and raced off in another direction, proudly proclaiming that it was her duty to destroy the useless and stomp the mediocre into helpless submission.

"Why'd you stop the end?" Drew asked, putting his hands in his pocket.

"We got a complaint that these are rarely long and rarely funny." Max crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "So, in an order to make this more enjoyable, you and me were elected to try and fill up a few pages and keep it all interesting. It was either that or have Natty rant, and, really, if she wants to rant she can get a freaking youtube account and do it on there, because that's the only place anybody is going to listen to you talk anyway, and that's only if you're kinda interesting, which we all know she isn't."

"How are we supposed to entertain people? My sexual ways can't be portrayed fully on the page."

"I don't want to hear this."

"I've got a lot of fangirls, you know."

"I'm sure you do."

"More than anyone else, even Gary. He was completely beat out by me."

"Was he? I hadn't the slightest idea. Let's talk about something else."

"And I've got a great sense of style. What did he have? A necklace? A car? Who cares about that?"

"Nineties children," Max said absently. "Readers, I'd like to talk to you about our story structure component of the day. This is called 'page stretch'. See, this is the fact that Natty, when writing drabbles, tends to write medium sized paragraphs. This means there are more words in her one page than there are in a lot of other's three pages. This also means she has a bigger scroll bar, or no scroll bar compared to others. What people don't realize is that the _last _chapter, although it appears longer, is actually shorter than many others. This is because it was mostly dialogue and there were a lot of new paragraphs. It's mostly filled with crap, stretches out the page and makes people feel like they've written a long chapter."

"I _flip my hair_. His is just spiky. What is that? Some kind of hedgehog hairdo? Excuse me for being too pale to say so, but, bitch, _please_."

"This is ridiculous. Word count is much better to go by. Natty likes to do 'full chapters', which are ten thousand words, and 'half chapters' which are five thousand. But you also have to keep in mind that the girl is crazy. She's very, very crazy, and you really shouldn't be listening to her about anything. She once asked 'how do you milk a duck?' Honestly, if you have any common sense at all just throw rocks at her until she dies. We'll all be better off for it."

Drew stomped his foot, now throwing a full out tantrum. "No! I'm the sexiest one on this show! Me! It's not stupid Gary! I don't care if he came first! I don't care if I was just his replacement! I don't care if we both look awesome doing the CaramellDansen! I look better! I always look better! I was made to keep girls watching the show, just like contests and May! I'm girl bait! I'm hot as hell! You all want me in your pants! And if anyone could ever milk a duck, I could, because I'm that freaking awesome! And you're all jealous! I hope you all die!"

"Just to show you an example of 'page stretch', this chapter is longer than the last one, but looks shorter. Possibly. It hasn't been uploaded, so we can't tell." Max grinned, then glared at Drew. "Get up. Everyone knows I'm the best character here, so stop dreaming."


	70. Nu Reegen

Nu Reegen

"Welcome to Nu Reegen!" Ash said. "It totally isn't a pun. It's a super unique name, and it's totally Japanese. Since I've already been to all the regions and there aren't any other games like Coliseum or Rangers that have regions I've never gone to and, y'know, it's not like just because the trainers are practically demigods of this world and can do whatever the hell we want at ten, including defy the police, and wouldn't be able to train there if we wanted to. So we're going to this _new _region, and we clouldn't have just used an _old _region and called it an AU, because that wouldn't make more sense or work out better than the stupid things you're about to make me say and do. I don't want to meet anymore Digimon! I want a Death Note! I'd only kill Gary a little, I promise!"

"Don't break the forth wall, Ash. You know how the readers hate that."

He shrugged. "Whatever. You're going to get jealous in a moment."

"...Jealous because I only have five hot guys and you have six hot girls?"

"If only," Ash sighed, shoving his hands in his pocket. "Nope, it's Whore-of-the-Day."

"Whore-of-the-Day? Why, Ah, that sounds like some sort of crazy game show! Will we have a celebrity host?" Misty asked in her best commercial voice.

"Better than any game show, Misty, Whore-of-the-Day is one of _the _most common badfiction! We travel off to this exciting new region and noob Whore-of-the-Day appears! See, the Whore-of-the-Day is actually kinda a Sue, and she needs my 'help'," -he air quoted like the dork he was- "so she can have lots of fun traveling with me. She makes a move on me, you get jealous, I run off with the whore."

"Can I play Whore-of-the-Day?"

"Ash giggled. "You can be the who-ow! No hitting!"

"Can _Brock _play Whore-of-the-Day?"

"Don't be stupid, Misty. Brock's one of the many reasons _I _get the whore." He ignore the "_nice_" from Brock's direction. "Plus, we already covered how interracial dating isn't allowed and there's _never _dark skinned Sues in pokémon!" Ash glared at Misty, who had jokingly thrown herself into Brock's arms. "Dammit, this isn't _To Kill a Mockingbird_! You are not allowed to be together or you get shot! You get shot in the face! Yaoi and bestiality is cool, but interracial dating? Disgusting! There's a reason why there's only three or four people who support gymshipping. It's disgusting! Shame on you who want to mix the races and create a healthier race and a better gene pool! Shame!"

Natty sighed irritably, digging for fossils in the Underground with an angry expression. "You know, I've got a bunch of these stupid orb things but I can't do anything with 'em because I can't make a secret base because my orbs aren't freaking _big _enough and I have a bunch of these fossils but they're all the same and I don't know how to make them come to life because the fossil dude says I don't have any fossils!"

"What are you doing here?"

"What is life? Just a flower in an empty dessert, fighting its hardest and hoping that it's not alone. Who can say if it was made through plan or consequence? Perhaps a child planted it and watches it grow from afar, maybe the child planted it and left, or maybe it just appeared from nothing, a crazy series of events that all led to this tiny flower, inconsequential in its existence, and if it were to disappear not a thing in the world would change?"

"_Natty_."

"Cassie was going to be the Sue, but she can't find any of her bras and underwear. I don't know why."

"_Natty._"

"Or it might be because I dunked them in water and put them in the freezer. Y'know, things get garbled in my head sometimes." She looked up from her DS, looking around with surprise. "Wait, where the hell are we?"

"Welcome to Nu Reegen."

She grinned. "I know."

"You named this?" She nodded, giggling now. "I hate you."

She laughed for a moment, then sighed and shook her head. "Alright, now this doesn't seem to work the way I wanted it too. Also known as I'm about to go on break and I'm excited so I can't really focus on much of anything. I've got two tests due tomorrow and there's a lot of homework and blah, blah, blah. I'm bitching about my life. You know what? You know _what_? Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

And then she left, a la Eric Cartman.

They stood quietly for a moment.

"You know, I think we'd need a whole separate fic to cover it. I mean, it's just Sues. I think the safest thing to say is not to do them."

Misty nodded. "Well, Brock and I are going to go make healthy babies."

"Alright," Ash sighed. "But I'm next."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: _Stop it_. Stop it _right now_. No more Sues, no nothing. If you can't make yourself ugly and make yourself act like yourself and make the characters react to you like they actually would react: don't do it. And, if you do, then go in the corner and think about what you've done.

Ketchum Kid: Well, the last chapter was slightly different, a lot like how Suicide Week was all about suicide but all different. The other one was about pokémon being pregnant. This one was eggs hatching. I've seen a lot of fics where they talk about, like, a tiny articuno coming out of an egg. Giant pokémon hatch from eggs instead of evolve. It doesn't work. Well, alright, it technically does because Misty said one episode something like "wow, that's a tiny gyarados! It must be young!" which shows that pokémon grow, and there was that thing with the krabby and...this show's illogic makes my brain hurt.


	71. Gamer

Gamer

"Yeah, see," Cassie said, "I'm just gonna go by game rules. Pikachu can't beat a rock type. It just doesn't work. I mean, even if you use a water attack first and then use an electric attack it doesn't work better. So, Ash is going to use types that match up. Pikachu had a light ball and Ash is going to EV train."

And Natty came up behind her and tossed a pie in her face. The girls screamed, and Natty bent, picking up the pie plate and sucking her fingers clean when she scooped up the leftovers with her fingers. "Mmm. Dat's good. Dat's chocolate pie. I'm almost sad I squished it on your face."

"What the hell was _that_?"

"A pie."

"What the hell was that _for_?"

"Well, we're getting to things that are fricken ridiculous. I think I may just start pieing anyone in the face who dares to say something pie worthy. I won't abuse the pie, for it is tasty. I can't pie more than seven people a week, but, if I find seven people I wish to pie, I can bookmark them and have pie day on Saturday."

"Weird."

"Thanks. You're my first."

"What an honor."

"Yeah…I'm hoping it'll turn into an internet trend."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Honestly, this is fricken stupid. The game and the show are nothing alike! They never have been! You wouldn't compare a show on Bengal tigers to one of Sabertooths (aside from the fact that they aren't really tigers and –goes on dork rant-) right? Right. The both cover tigers/pokémon but comparing the two is just stupid. The differences are glaring at you right in the face and yout try to argue with what's in the game. No. If it's been in the anime, and you're writing anime, use it. If it's covered in the game but not in the anime, go ahead. Otherwise, stop telling me how impossible it is for an electric type to beat a rock type. He's _fucking Ash Ketchum_. He turned to stone and was resurrected by _tears _bitch! He's saved the world more times than freaking _Jesus_, alright? We can safely assume he can do whatever the hell he wants.

I wrote this on the last day of school, typing after a con…my brain is filled with sex, anime, art, ManMisty, and bloody heads. By the way, best line ever, "If Misty had meat on her, Ash wouldn't have dumped her!" and the WHOLE audience practically freaks. XD So hilarious.


	72. Embarrasment

Beware: Ash has a freak out, May swears, and I reference several things that probably didn't need to be referenced.

Embarrassment

"Ash," May said awkwardly, looking down at their clasped hands. "Listen, I really, really like you. I have for a really long time, and I'm super happy to be dating you, but…See, I've been getting these death threats from Cassie. She…she still has those fangirl fits every so often. I mean, the other day I came downstairs and she had taken a bunch of hamburger meat and made it into the shape of my face and then she punched it again and again until meat was flying everywhere! And Misty laughed! And I found out that it was Natty's idea!"

Ash shrugged. "You think anyone else would be twisted enough to come up with that?"

"You're missing the point!" May shrieked, "The damned blonde and the damned brunette and the damned redhead and trying to kill me and you're trying to figure out which one came up with the idea? What the _hell_?"

"I didn't know you swore."

"I do when people are trying to_ kill me_ and _destroy my face in meat_!"

"So, do you like Yu-Gi-Oh?" Ash reached into his pocket and pulled out a large deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. If one ever decided to look through that deck, they would find that it seemed to grasp absolutely no understanding of the game, as it had no spell nor trap cards, only forty three blue eyes white dragons and dark magicians and other popular monster cards. It also had an ugly, hairy, brown ball with green legs and ugly eyes, which is completely freaking useless regardless of what the show would like you to believe. All in all, he chose them because they were pretty and had big numbers. "I'll split my deck in half and we can play together."

"Ash, your friends want to kill me. Don't you want to help your girlfriend?" She cuddled up to him and pushed her breasts together a bit. "Maybe I'll get so excited I'll reward you."

Ash grinned at her, leaning forward as if to initiate something, only to grab his deck and shove it in her face (innuendo not intended, but appreciated) with pride, shouting, "It's time to d-d-d-d…d-d-d-d-duel!"

May quietly stood up, then got down on all fours and crawled under the park bench they had been sitting on. She curled up, then moaned, rocking back and forth and she wondered if her death would come quickly, like a bullet, or if she'd be beat to death with a meat hammer. With uncontrolled delight, Ash began shuffling through his arms, humming the undeniably catchy theme song to Yu-Gi-Oh and battling himself…which really didn't work anyway, because, as mentioned before, his deck consists of one type of card.

This got very old very fast, and Ash took out his phone. "Hi, Misty? Yeah. Apparently May doesn't wanna play cards with me. I don't know why. I mean, maybe if it was because it was a rival franchise but she acts as if she doesn't _like _card games, and you can't _not _like card games, right Misty? Because, I mean, we have a card game, and if we don't like card games how are we supposed to advertise the games? Us hating them would reduce sales, and if sales go down to far we _die_. It's like May's cutting _all of us_."

"Ash, that's the forth wall. We're not supposed to break that anymore," Misty scolded lightly.

"And what's the worst that can happen?"

"You want me to bring up the Sapphire/Ruby commercial…_It Takes Two_?"

Ash gripped the phone, holding it to the front of his face, and shrieked, "We said we would never _fucking talk about that_! We don't talk about those nightmares! We were both really, really drunk, okay? Okay? Bad things happen when you get too drunk. Tequila isn't always your friend. Sometimes it makes you do bad things, like sing terrible parodies and half decent songs, or have more flashbacks than a filler Naruto episode!"

May began giggling, peaking her head out. "You _sang_?"

"You stay under the bench or I will _order _my pokémon to kill you." Ash grabbed her collar and dragged her close to his face. "I'm the main character. I'm breaking _all _the walls. You are _all _my bitches now. Charizard will obey me, I will set you on fire, and for the first time _ever_ I will _be on top _in a freaking _slash fic_. I will put Gary in chains, I will freaking rape him, and I will put the rest of you in a freaking pile and _burn you all_."

"I like chains. I don't know why. You don't even have to tie people up with them. Yugi was somehow sexy when he put his magical pyramid on a chain. Is that statutory rape?"

Ash sighed, dropping May and putting the phone back to his ear. "Natty…get off the phone. Give it back to Misty."

"I crossed a road today."

"That's _great_."

"I _didn't _get hit by a car."

"It's a shame. Put Misty on."

"What do you want to ask her?"

"Put Misty on."

"Tell me what it is." And on the other end of the phone, Natty was spinning in a spinny chair, tugging on her hair in a playful way and grinning like an idiot. "If you tell me, I won't put the link to the _It Takes Two _video. You don't want people to see that, do you?"

"Doesn't matter. It's been removed due to terms of violation." Ash grinned to himself, flipping through the cards. "Alright, listen, I'm pretty sure you're in on this too. From what I can tell, May thinks that you and Cassie and Misty are up to some kind of whacky plot to kill her. I mean, supposed she thinks there was something going on with her face being meat and Cassie beating it until there wasn't anything left…that didn't really happen, right?"

She giggled. "No."

"_Natty_."

Her giggles intensified, almost drunkenly. "'Kay. Might've happen a little bit."

"What's a little bit?"

"I was an evil mastermind. I've got _loads _of ways to kill others, and, also, to kill myself and make it look like an accident. I'm super creative."

"And why are you planning on killing May?"

"Well, not _killing _her. Killing her would defeat the purpose. I mean, I'd want to _kill _Sakura because she was annoying and useless. I'd want to _injure _May because of my irrational hatred of her. You know, the pain might help round her out or, y'know, it could just make me feel better. Maybe if there was something about her that was good to make fun of, like Dawn allegedly being a whore or Misty not being sexy and a triple bitch and a murderer. But, I mean, you're not even allowed to make fun of her. All you get is, 'OMG, May isn't stupid!' and 'she can get angry and kick butt sometimes' because I'm not allowed to make jokes. That, or you just get people who hate May because-"

"You're ranting."

"So, yeah, we're trying to embarrass her."

"Through _pain_?"

Natty paused, tracing shapes on the wooden table. "Pain can be embarrassing."

"The word you're looking for is 'funny', not embarrassing, 'funny'."

She laughed a little. "Yeah. Pain can be funny. But…I'm still allowed, right, Jesus o' pokémon?"

"Don't call me that."

"Moses o' pokémon?"

"No."

"He is my master?"

"No perverted anime references! And, no, you're not allowed to kill May. That's my job. It's my job to kill _everyone_. That's how the series ends, you know, I kill everyone except Gary, who becomes my love slave, and Mewtwo and the other Legendaries and I run off into the sunset in the now perfect world. And I get character development. And there's a plot. And the joke that left with 4kids all come back."

Natty smiled to herself. "That would freaking rock. So, what can I do?"

Ash shrugged, flipping over another card. "Dunno…you could…stain her clothes in front of a large group of her peers."

"This isn't Disney, Ash, and you're a freak."

"Yeah…Disney quotes and being a freak…it's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?"

Natty froze, gripping the table tightly and eyes widening. "That's not funny."

"We're alike and you know it."

"_It takes two baby! It takes two baby!_" Natty shouted, then stopped, and began spinning in her chair again. "It's denial time. I'm nothing like you. At all. Ever. And I'm going to embarrass May if it's the last thing I do."

May peaked out. "Ash, aren't you going to protect me so you can get a special present?"

"Under the bench, bitch."

**(PAGEBREAK)**

Moral of the Story: If you're going to embarrass someone, don't pull a Disney. Don't make it something ridiculous and don't make it painful. Make it good. Make it elaborate.

I mean, embarrassment is going to the Hannah Montana movie, running to the store next door and freaking out the fangirls, singing Hannah Montana songs and getting caught by my science teacher (who, by the way, says: "I recognized you by your voice" and now I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously singing in class…), running across a large road, screaming, and getting glared at by fellow passersby, then getting my fizzy Japanese drink I bought because it was super cheap (and, er, I wanted to open it by pressing down the magic glass ball) all explody and covering me in strawberries. :D It was a good day.

Moral of Life: …Don't read my fiction. I'm rotting your brain, do you understand that? _I'm rotting your freaking brain._ I'm like alcohol. You think it's a-okay and it just poisons your liver, but it's not! It gives your brain holes. So, stop it! I'm like alcohol! Addictive and makes you feel good inside…and you definitely shouldn't drive under my influence.

Ketchum Kid: No, I meant rock type. I figure you're either A) referring to electric types not affecting ground types, which is true, but they also affect rock types or B) that Ash beat Onix, which is a ground type, with an electric attack, but Onix is also a rock type. So, either way, rock type works, and Ash beating rock types is the one that's most often moaned about.


	73. Interview

**Idea from: Sage Monarch (who said that they end up making no sense and just fall to randomness…so you get randomness!)**

Interview

"We're going to have a talk show with pokémon characters!" Cassie cheered, jumping up and down in her Oprah-styled studio. "And I'm going to be the host! This is so completely awesome and amazing! I'm so excited! So, I'm going to get all of the pokémon characters and you can suggest the shippings even though I mostly like poke, contest, and ikari I might use others if I get a bunch of requests but I need questions and pairings so you have to review or I can't continue! So make sure you review lots if you want the next chapter up soon! Yeah!"

Misty groaned and let her head slam into the table. "_Brock_, I don't want to _do _this. You don't have to do this, because you're never in _anything _and you're never _shipping _and you've been in the show longer than anyone else 'cept Ash! I mean, we don't even know how many seasons Dawn'll make it. Depends on how fast they ship that next game out. But, still, where the hell is Natty? The only reason we keep her around is to keep the crazy Sue writer from screwing our characters over."

"Natty's jamming out to the Hannah Montana soundtrack," Max said helpfully.

"Ha, ha, very funny. Seriously, where'd she go off to? I mean, _damn_, I know the girl can't handle any responsibility other then tending to her animals, which she barely does well anyway, but I can't believe she would chuck us all under a bus, also known as leaving us alone with Miss Happy Elf, to go do whatever the hell she usually does…what the hell does she do? I mean, she's supposed to have a job with the Kanto league, which she ducks out of as frequently as she can, and the only other responsibility she's given is keeping Cassie under control! What could be so important to ditch us?"

"Max isn't kidding, Misty," Ash muttered. "She found iPod speakers in my room, kicked me out, and starting blaring Hannah Montana. I wish he was joking. But he's not. He's dead serious."

"I can't believe that-wait." Misty froze, straightening to glare at him. "_Your iPod speakers_?"

"Yes."

"You have _iPod speakers?_"

"Yes."

"_Why_?"

"Mommy bought them for me."

"But you're never home to bother listening to them!" she shouted, gawking at him like he'd grown a second head. "Why would she buy them for you?"

"I asked her to."

"Do you even have an _iPod_?"

"Yes."

"Do you listen to it?"

There was an awkward silence as Ash drummed his fingers on the table, shifting under the gaze of his many friends. None of them had iPods, of course, none of them had speakers or other fancy things like he did. He was, quite possibly, the only "only child" present. Not only that, but he was the only one that seemed to live in a home that wasn't the inner city, or consumed with expenses due to running a large, unstable, legal cockfighting dome.

"I'd listen to it if it had songs on it."

"I'm going to freaking kill you, you spoiled brat!"

Misty jumped to her feet, chasing the boy around the table. Ash began to shriek with fear; Misty began to shriek with rage. The other characters, quite tired of it all, buried their heads in their hands and waited for sweet death to come. It didn't, but Misty did manage to catch up with Ash, beat the crap out of him, and the two calmly returned to the table, clearing their throats and hoping that no one would make a comment on their terrible behavior. No one did. That would have taken up even more useless space.

"So, seriously, you can only listen to that soundtrack once a day. You'll kill yourself otherwise. So what could she be doing?"

_In Ash's room…_

In a large, squishy spinning chair, Natty let her head dangle behind the back as she spun. It was rather fast, probably a bad idea as she had just eaten fries and a double cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise, but she seemed to be enjoying herself. In fact, she sang along with the speakers, lazily but happily: "_You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round. Like a record, baby, right round, right round._"

_Back in the Oprah-styled studio…_

"I know this is a little weird for me," May said quietly, "but there's this…this quiet rage inside me. It's this strange, icy rage, not a four second freak out. I'm not going to yell at anybody, but I've been thinking about this anger for quite some time. And I realized…I realized it comes from badfics. I was trying to figure out a way to solve it, and though I can stop all of it, I've written down on a napkin how to kill Cassie, Natty too, if I could get some help."

Max raised an eyebrow. "Why Natty?"

"Why not?"

"Touchy."

"It's pronounced touché, Ash, touché," Brock corrected, patting his shoulder lightly. "I don't think we need to kill anyone. You guys can make it through this. Just try really hard and dream about a better time, pretend that you're on a real show, or a spoof show! That's it! Pretend you're getting paid lots of money, and we'll all have iPods and iPod players, just like Ash does! And then, if you're all really good, we could even set up a gauntlet for Ash and Natty and Cassie and everyone if you like. We can't kill them, but we can hurt them pretty bad, and that's even better sometimes!"

Misty cocked her head. "Is it a _naked _gauntlet?"

"Do you want it to be?"

"It'll hurt more…but I think seeing Ash's skinny, naked body might make me cry."

"With joy," Ash suggested.

"With _horror_."

"AND OUR FIRST MEMBER IS BROCK! YAY! BROCK IS THE FIRST CONTESTANT. WE'RE GOING TO ASK HIM LOTS OF QUESTIONS! AS YOU KNOW, BROCK IS THE LEADER OF THE PEWTER GYM AND HE HAS A WHOLE BUNCH OF LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS! HE'S REALLY NICE AND HE CARES FOR THEM ALL THE TIME, WHICH IS PROBABLY HOW HE LEARNED TO COOK FOR ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW! NOBODY SUGGESTED A PAIRING FOR HIM, BUT THAT'S OKAY! HE'S BROCK! HE DOESN'T GET GIRLS! LOL!"

Brock shuffled onto the stage, muttering bitterly about capsrape and how he could totally get a girl, and he did have a girlfriend at one point (long before the show started) and they were very good together until she was killed in a terrible accident. Involving guns and a not-so-accidental aim right between her eyes. Anywho, he shuffled and muttered and sat in his very own Oprah-styled chair, though it probably would have been much more interesting if Oprah was the host.

"So, Brock, Applethirty931-0 asks, do you like cooking?"

"Yes."

"Yoius3903 asks, what ethnicity are you?"

"I honestly don't know. I carry a gun, but I'm also insanely smart, so it could go to either Asian or black."

Cassie giggled. "So, you know you'll totally never get a girlfriend, right?"

Brock stood up, a gun appearing from nowhere. "One more time and you're dead! I'm sick of people ragging on my love life! If I actually wanted a girlfriend instead of getting sex, which is what _everyone _knows I'm after and is why I don't go after _minors_, I could freaking get one. I could be charming and sweet, but I don't want to do that. I want to _nail you._ I will shoot you in the face, and then I'm going to sleep with your sister. Are you proud now? Are you freaking proud of yourself?"

"Uh oh," chimed Natty. "Looks like racially charged material is making a comeback!"

"How did you get here?" Max asked.

"Oh, you know, I know the author so things work out pretty well for me."

"Are you two close?"

Natty chuckled. "You have _no _idea."

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: These are also evil. Whenever I see one, I want to kill the writer. They're pointless, ask the dumbest questions known to man, and, as stated above, generally just go to hell and never make any sense. It just becomes about pairing people up. If you're going to do an interview, dear goodness, make it _interesting _and don't make it the main focus of your story. You could do like an interview talking about Ash dying, but you have to make a _story _out of it.

This is Mr. Happy Elf: .:D  
This is Mr. Happy Elf when you write bad fanfics: D:.


	74. Truth or Dare

**Idea from: So many people.**

Truth of Dare

"Hey, Natty, let's play Truth or Dare!" May cheered.

"Oh my goodness, the compromise your morals game? Who _wouldn't _want to force themselves into a situation where they have the option of going completely against their moral standard or be ridiculed for having a sense of dignity! _And _I'm going to play it with character I only _sorta _know, most of which barely _like _me! I'm sure they won't challenge me to do anything completely embarrassing or potentially dangerous! Yes, the intelligent thing to do is undoubtedly to agree with you and go and play that wonderful game."

"No need to be sarcastic."

"There's always a need to be sarcastic." She turned back to her laptop, clicking away on the keys. "Listen, I'm really busy, almost done with one story, writing another new one and I've got other things to do. I will not busy myself with your silly business! So you…you just go do things while I focus on the important things like writing fictional stories that are absolutely impossible to make money off of. I don't have time for trivial things such as this!"

"Fine," she sniffed. "We'll just play without you."

They all gathered around in a small little circle and the dares commenced. Nobody picked truth. Ever. As we all know, truth is for pansies. If you pick truth, you're weak and stupid and made of fail and you need to throw yourself off a bridge _because you are worth nothing if you don't take dares_. Damn the consequences! Damn compromising yourself! Damn the fact that you might be a truthful person and you actually have to lie to try and make the stupid game interesting because you don't have a crush! It's no fun if you don't get naked, dammit, so strip!

"Ash," Drew said, with a flip of his hair. "I dare you to kiss Gary."

"And suddenly it's _not _a stupid game," Natty chirped, closing her computer and grinning at the two. "Come on now, it's make out time. A dare is a dare, you signed up for the stupid game so do it! Come on, let's get a little seme and uke goin' down!"

"Ohshi-" Ash yelped, racing out of the room.

Gary was hot on his heels, and, in seconds, words were being screamed like, "It doesn't have to be on the lips! Can't we just-mmph!" and "He didn't say on the neck either!" and "I don't want to take my shirt off" and "I'm not ready for this kind of commitment" and several other kinds of sounds that would be highly inappropriate. Because this isn't M for mature. If any of you are actually reading this, you're gay now. Yes. That's totally how it works. You're officially gay. I got you. Go listen to Cher.

"Is he any good?" asked Misty.

"No!" Gary replied. "So I'm just dominating here. Do you want a turn?"

"I think we all do." And everyone in the circle made sounds of agreement, even little Max.

**

* * *

**Moral of the Story: Well, nothing to do with the story, really. That's just crack, you know why? Because these are _crack_. They're generally in script format or chatspeak or so terribly written they might as well be (not that script format is inherently bad, obviously scripts can be well written), and you wish to print them just so you can set them on fire. If makes everyone do things that they would never, ever do. None of them would _ever _be willing to participate. Except Ash (for his stupidity) and Dawn (for her typical tweenity).


	75. Everything's Relative

**Idea from: Sparkly Emerald and Tomoyo Kinomoto and…someone…else…damn you Microsoft word! Which I don't own!**

Cheer and rejoice, fellow readers, the minimorals hath been brought from their exile to assist us once again!

Everything's Relative

Misty shook her head. "Ash, we _can't _go to _that _region. One hundred and eight six years ago, Kanto ended what's commonly called the Total Conquest that spanned _two hundred years _and nearly _ninety two _percent of the known planet, and gained soldiers with each area they conquered thanks to the _most _remarkable propaganda every recorded in human history. _That _region was _never _conquered. We are not allies. They will shoot you if you attempt to participate in the League."

"But I have to!" Ash cried, falling to his knees, "for Pop Pop."

"Who the _hell _is Pop Pop?"

"My father!"

"You mean the drunk that left you and your mother for his dreams of glory?"

"Yeah…good ol' Pop Pop."

MiniMoral: Let's _assume _either of these two things: A) Ash's father is dead B) Ash's father abandoned him. In case A, we have to wonder why this suddenly matters to Ash _now_. What has changed that he is now willing to talk about his Dad, and reveal that this is the sole driving force of him being a trainer. In case B, I can't understand why Ash would base his career off a father who ditched him.

**

* * *

**

Professor Oak stood up, saying loudly, "I have an announcement: Misty is actually Ash's brother who is Gary's cousin, twice removed who has a sister who married Tracey and they had Max who is actually Delia's grandfather and Delia's grandfather's son is Drew who is married to Anabel who's May's aunt who has Brock for a father and all of Brock's siblings are her children."

Ash scowled. "I can't draw this on a family tree…and where's my Pop Pop?"

MiniMoral: If you want to relate two people, do it A) through marriage B) distantly C) only _two people_.

**

* * *

**

"Ash!"

The boy burst awake, panting and clutching a hand to his heart that pounded and thudded with an angry rage of hot heat. "What the-?"

"I'm your father," said the ghostly moaning man.

"Pop Pop?" he gasped, face lighting up.

"Yes! It is I! Pop Pop! Never mind the seventy year old Caucasian looking man that looks absolutely nothing like you! Ash, I wanted to tell you how proud I am at you. I just love you so much, my precious boy!"

Ash's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Pop Pop! It was all for you, always for you! Pop Pop…oh, how I've missed you! Promise you'll never save me again."

"I promise but we have to do a special spell so the great power will let me stay here. In order for this to be completed, you have to take off your pants."

_Natty walked in, the scene freezing behind her. "This is a too common case in many fictions, please, Ash can't be ignorant forever. Rape is never romance, so stop doing it._

MiniMoral: Really? Magical dead person appears and everyone's cool with it? Nuh-uh. Stab and kill, friends, stab and kill.

* * *

On another note entirely, did fanfiction do something funny again? Because the text seems smaller in Mr. Login Page.


	76. Mary Sues not what you think

**Idea from: So many of you…and Blake Wilson on the grammar.**

Mary Sues

"You know, it _can _be a strategy game instead of 'level up and kill everything that dares to stand in your way' game," Melody pointed out.

"Fashionable, manipulative, conniving seductive underage whore. I think you may represent everything I hate in a character, though you are fun as heck to read about shipped with Misty," Natty retorted. "I only use strategy when I'm a pharaoh. And I mostly use it to make beer anyway. Eh, I rock at making money. And shielding my city. I had the freaking Great Wall of Egypt. I may not be the best at War strategy, but when it comes to the economy, I'm a freaking _beast_."

"So…we got a review asking about the pokémon capitalization debate."

"_I _got a review. _You _were never here to do it."

"What's your stance?"

"Gonna have to go with Farla, who's an author, go ahead and check out her stuff, on this one and say no. In _my _world, pokémon species are supposed capitalized even though it's pretty obvious it's in all caps. I don't write PIKACHU, do I? No. Even when they talk about Pikachu, 'pikachu' is supposed to be capitalized because it's the name, a proper noun, the same way Slick or Raven is capitalize when used as a name. However, when referring to a pikachu, the pikachu or multiple pikachus, pikachu should not be capitalized any more than you'd capitalize a dog, the dog, or multiple dogs. Unless you're Tamora Pierce in which case you're good and Goddess bless."

"Nobody will get that."

She pumped her fist. "Girl power. Anywho, in _my _world, these things _must _be capitalized because they are copyrighted. When writing a fanfic in the pokeworld, no. This only qualifies if you're writing an essay. Next."

"Mary Sues," she read, smirking a bit and looking up over her sunglasses.

"Don't do it. Next."

"You've gotta be more specific than-"

"A Mary Sue is _the perfect _character. People have gone overboard when prosecuting Mary Sues. People no longer seem to want a _good _character. To me, this means they want someone perfect like Bella Sue, or wants one without a single redeeming quality to their name, see the countless books about abused and beaten children. If the character isn't somewhat special, it tends to be a rather annoying plot hole. After all, what kind of adventure story stars a completely average teen that just randomly got into an adventure? There has to be something special, like they could do magic, Alanna had a fiery temper and boyish looks and so on. There has to be something interesting about them, like an obsession with a mood ring from her father."

"Your story?"

"Yup. You're jealous. Shuttup. The point is that you _should _have a redeeming quality for the character. As for Sues, you need to five them one or two special thing, not every single thing they feel like, and they need a flaw, and their _powers _need a flaw. Like Raven needing to control her emotions, Starfire being unable to do anything when she's upset, magic tiring the user, draining the life force, or only controllable with specific spells. The fault in the character needs to _suck_. Not ugly, not cute when she's clumsy, not a habit of biting her lip that's adorable. She needs to be missing an arm, be racist, drink animal blood in horrible, disgusting ways. Honestly, the obsession people have, that you can't make a character hot, that's _stupid_. You complain because everyone's fixated on looks then get fixated on them yourself. I, quite frankly, don't _care_. I look at _characters_."

"This is why I'm not attracted to the typical, cocky main character. In real life, I like the little nerd boys. In shows, I'm fascinated with disturbed trying to better themselves characters like Ken from Digimon or the ones fun to write like Kiba from Naruto or Gary from Pokemon."

"Tangents."

"The point being that you need to flaw their characters, not their looks. Honestly, that's how you avoid a Sue. Give them a disgusting, vile trait and make sure that trait affect the outcome of the story."

She pause. "Not having the ability to sing well is not a flaw. If she kills people when she sings, and she likes to sing, _that's _a flaw. Next?"

"Nothing."

"Alright, reviewers, I love you to death, but I don't do Sues. No more Sue or OC suggestions unless it involves the main characters. This is Canon Rape, not Sue stab." She shut her DS with a click and looked up at the camera, now chin length hair falling in her face. "There's lots of other Sue parodies, unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I'd kill myself within the first few chapters, sorry."


	77. Fairy Tale

**Idea from: Someone…I lost so many names. –groans-**

Did any of you ever had those talking story books? Remember that soothing woman's voice? Yeah, keep that voice in your head as you read this.

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a far away town called Sinnoh, there was a girl named Dawn. Except Sinnoh isn't a town, it's a region, and Dawn wasn't a girl, as that implies innocence. And Dawn was a whore. Ha! No, but seriously, if this is during the Dark Ages she lost her virginity at, like, seven and has been watching people have sex all her life. They had sex parties. It wasn't a time for chastity in the very least. You died young, so you needed to have sex _immediately _and needed to have children _immediately _and hope the baby's wailing drowns out that of the prisoners getting thumb-screwed to death. But, why go into that? No need to frighten you, children.

Yeah, so, anyway, Dawn was the pretty young lady. Scratch that, children, she was hot as hell. That miniskirt she wore, the only one of its kind, _definitely _brought all the boys to the yard. Not to mention that the ten year old had a rack just small enough to offset the horror of May, who had _obscenely _large boobs for a ten year old, though they paled in comparison to Prima's. The specific boy of the day her miniskirt had drawn in was Paul, though Paul wasn't quite sure why he was there, as he was too obsessed with winning to ever notice such a thing.

"I have a lot of money," Dawn informed. "This is actually a logical conclusion, as I'm rich in the manga and my mother doesn't exactly seem like the poor little housewife type in the anime. That, and it seems like she's make as much money as a super contest champion in the pokeworld as she would as a beauty pageant winner on Earth."

"I'm Paul," said Paul. "I dream about crushing your hopes and dreams, but you're too rich for me to do that."

So Paul continued down the road. The next girl was probably twenty feet away, but Paul liked to saunter. In fact, Paul liked to saunter so much that he had forgotten how to move any faster. So the girl at the end of the way had plenty of time to brew a hatred for the purple haired boy. In fact, she'd been breeding a lot of hatred as of late, and wanted to hurt someone quite badly. She figured she could probably get away with mugging him.

"I bet I could mug you," said May.

Paul wrinkled his nose disgust. A pretty, big breasted hobo! What could he possibly do with that? Unfortunately, he made eye contact and, in the pokémon world, this means you must stand and click through forty pages of useless dialogue explaining how to catch a pokémon in hopes that you would get free pokeballs at the end.

"Mug me?" said Paul. "Homeless wretch, to what addictive substance did you lose your home?"

"No substance, milord," she said weakly. "I…I was born to a family of gym leaders." She then began to "sob" all the while watching his wallet and waiting for the moment to strike.

"The fuck? Why would a gym leader be poor? And doesn't your mom win contests on the side?" Paul glared. "And I know you're not crying. When you don't have a soul, it's really easy to see when people are lying."

"You don't have a soul? Ooh, I'm calling the church on you to kill you, tar and feather your corpse and hang you from the churches!" She cried joyfully, pointing at him with Medieval excitement.

"Whatever," Paul declared. "You have no dreams or ambitions for me to crush, and, if you eve did, the city did a damned good job beating them out of you."

Paul began to storm away, but a magical being appeared before him.

"Who are you?" asked Paul.

"I am Cthulhu," said Cthulhu. "You must be punished for your cruelty to the homeless."

"Will I be ugly?" asked Paul worriedly. "Turned into a…a beast!"

"Of course not!" said Cthulhu.

And then Cthulhu ate Paul's soul.

**_The End._**

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Determine wealth based on logic, the only gym leader I can see being poor is Brock because of his fifty siblings. You can make Dawn rich, Drew, whoever you feel like, just try to explain it so it makes since…unlike this story…

Man, I'm in such a FTW mood lately, I'm sorry. You have permission to write "what the hell?" as your review.


	78. Diction

**Idea from:****TJay-Dragg Latios-of-da-Cookie**

Misty: The professor's been practicing Ebonics but he's too embarrassed to do it at his own place.

Professor Oak: I's been workin' to speak with ya young peeps! Brace yoself foo'!

-Pokémon Triple Dot (which you should watch on youtube right now)

Diction

"Good afternoon Professor," said Ash Ketchum. "I have come to request a pokémon, sir. I understand that for the past few decades, you have been working to complete a complex machine called 'a pokedex'. I am intensely interested in such a thing and have spent hours on the internet, researching it and many other projects that surround you. Your invention of the pokedex seems to be the most popular, however, and was certainly the most popular to myself. I would be pleased to assist you in that research, but, as I am sure you are well aware, I need a pokémon. It is my desire to have a-"

"Foo', what's wrong with you?" The professor snorted, typing away at his computer. "I don't need yo stinkin' help. Why don't you go get beat up some wheres? Little prep. Hope yo die y'little bitch. M'grandson, ol' whatshisface will take care of you! Get out of here before I bust a cap in your ass!"

Ash cried, falling to his knees, "Professor! Why? I only desire to give you comfort, as you are an elderly man!"

That was when Misty burst in. "Ohmigawd! My nails are taking _forever _to dry!"

"Quiet, wretch! Can't you see that I am in a desperate need for a quest?" Ash snarled.

"Damn it all!" shouted May, kicking the door open with a snarl on her face. "This shit is crazier than a sweatin' frog in the July heat of good ol' Kansas City! I hate this stupid shit! I'm gonna start shootin' my gun in here if y'all don't shut up! I'll shoot ya good, how 'bout that? Huh? Huh? Ya wanna got shot in the face? I'll do it too! How d'you like them apples cowboy? I'll sure as hell make ya dance, oh yes, yes I'm gonna!"

It was at that terrible moment that Brock decided to walk in, arms limply by his side, mouth hanging open. He stood like that for quite some time, than stumbled a couple steps back. He dropped into a crouch, finger pointing with a shaking terror. He was a perfect picture of anime surprise, a new, rough kind of drawing style seeming to take grip of his body. Then, with a horrified shriek he raced from the town, arms flailing. He was home in no time, tending to his little brothers and sisters and sobbing hysterically, wondering what horrors the world was coming to.

And, back in the room, the budding actors and actresses laughed at their sick practical joke.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: They have, y'know, speech patterns. Would you mind using them? Professor Oak isn't gangster, Ash doesn't talk like he's from a Shakespearian play, May isn't from the south and Misty isn't a valley girl. And, yes, in case you're wondering, I've seen every single one of these. May written that way by a girl from the south, who made all the characters talk like they were from the south because she was. Canon be damned, talk like me!


	79. Happiness

**Idea from:**** Word deleted name. Again.**

Happiness

"We're surrounded," Misty panted, stumbling into the cave. Her throbbing arms and legs, the only things bare of the thick fabric that acted as a shield from the attacks, were cut and bruised. Her body and clothes were dirtied, her face barely anything more than a smear of blood. She fell to knees and bent forward, grabbing at the loose rock. "They're everywhere. Oh…oh Arceus save us all. We've created something terrible. I was wrong…so Mew damned and so Mew awfully wrong! May Arceus forgive us. May Giratina not abandon us when it's time for our souls to move on."

"Arceus' forgiveness?" Ash whispered. "If Arceus could _forgive_, this wouldn't have happened. We never would have touched that idol. We never…we _would_. The thing we made…can't evil call it a _baby _that disgusting thing…we _had _to kill it. Misty, we just had to. It was only coming to power faster by sending it straight to the nothing. That's where it was destined to go. It wasn't good. It wasn't like humans or pokémon, those predestined to live on with Giratina and Arceus. That thing was made out of everything terrible and disgusting and rejected by the world. That _thing _will be…we had to kill it then. We have to kill it again. You understand that, don't you?"

She gasped, tears building in her eyes. "He's our _son_."

"He is _not_!" Ash shouted, turning on her. "We did _everything _right! We had sex the night before our union! We put offerings on the alter! We bathed in the Viridian Forest! Something disgusting happened to you! Something disgusting happened to it all! I…I did everything. Did you do something? You…you cheated or had another before me or we united and you just felt love for me out of pity. Was that it? Was that all it was? I did everything _right_! What the fuck did _you _do to fuck us all?"

"_Nothing!_"

She was screaming and crying, and she wasn't sure what came over her. The knife was in her hand, and she spun, slashing up across his neck. He was then backed into the wall. And she stabbed him. She stabbed him again and again and again until he was nothing but holes and blood, and so was she. She was emptiness and his blood on her hands and tears. There was nothing waiting for her. No euphoria. No everlasting life. She was damned to the nothing. Murderers were always damned to the nothing.

Worst of all, she had killed her husband.

But he had killed her son.

"Arceus, why?" she whispered. "We're _children_, for your sake! We're only _nineteen_! How did you think we could handle something like this? We're heroes, oh, Mew, we can't be anti-heroes. We can't kill to save. We're only _children_. You're all knowing. You know we're only…why didn't you _stop me?_"

She pounded on his corpse, as if this would bring him back, as if the wet thunk would bring the god from the heavens and restore peace.

_I am Mew_, said Mew as the calm, soothing woman's voice began announcing the narration again. _Would you like me to fix this?_

"Really, Mew?" asked Misty with a big smile. "Thank you, Mew! You are _so _nice!"

_But you have to promise never to stab anyone ever again, _Mew warned.

"Oh, I promise!" promised Misty.

Ash was brought back to life, the demon spawn was sent away, and they lived in perfect happiness.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: You can't magically make it all better. It needs to have a logical conclusion. As many people know, most of my stories end with happy endings. I love them. I love to have a resolution, which usually ends with the problem solved. _However_, I plot my story around that happy ending. I know that, although details constantly shift while writing, the fact remains that I absolutely know how it's going to end. If you make this huge elaborate thing, and you're crushed to discover that, "Crap, the only way this can logically end is with carnage", and then you just poof! it better, that's called fail. And you know what happens when you fail? Ninjas come to your house and they kill you. For cereal.

-cries- I wanna write that _so bad _now!


	80. Siblings

Ohmegawd Natty what are you doing you have so many things to do and all you can do is vegetate and watch youtube videos and attempt to use osmosis to learn European history! Gaaaaaaaaah!  
^ Sorry. Had to be said.

Siblings

They looked like a painting, not a picture. A picture was, more often than not, a crudely done snapshot, capturing the emotion of only those who had been there, inspiring no other. This scene held some sort of universal meaning, the three of them at a dirty white plastic table, sun setting and giving them a halo, like something from the 1600s. And yet, there was that undeniable human quality that made it relatable, the way Misty busied her fingers with twisting grass into a bracelet, how May twirled a dandelion in her fingers, and how Brock focused so intently at one of the many specks of dirt.

"They're just so annoying," he continued. "I don't hate them, it's just…I walk in the door and I'm bombarded with orders! They want food, they need homework help, they can't decide who gets the toy! It never stops! Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock, Bro-"

"Brock!" the girls shouted, then giggled at the irony.

"I know how you feel," May sighed. "Max always wants attention. I'm trying to do something, and he just keeps bugging me and bugging me at the worst times too! And then I nicely tell him to go away and he won't go away! So, I tell him again and a little louder, go away. No. He doesn't. Then, I have to scream at him and he throws a tantrum and I get in trouble even though it wasn't my fault! I don't know why little brothers and sisters are so annoying!"

Misty giggled. "My sisters are the worst. They're bossy and loud and annoying and emotional and…" she froze for a moment, blinking carefully. "And…and they're not very nice to me, I guess. We've just too…too different."

"That's right," May said quickly. "You're the youngest, aren't you? Come on, Misty, tell us why our little brothers and sisters are so annoying whenever we're trying to do something. Why do you break into our diaries and steal our stuff and embarrass us in front of our friends?"

"Well…I can't speak for all little siblings, but did you ever think that it's not about you? Maybe you're the ones who gets the pretty clothes and good grades and cute guys and everyone always compares you to your little sibling. 'Isn't Daisy pretty,' they say, 'Lily's such a good singer', they say, 'have you ever tried writing like Violet?' They say! No! Maybe we're just jealous because you get everything and we don't get anything and all we ever want is just to be you!" She pounded her fist on the table, then shut her eyes. "And you can't even get mad because they love you, and they don't know what they're doing."

May cleared her throat. "I do. I love Max, at the end of it."

"I love it when they hug me when I come in."

"Yeah," she murmured. "Ditto for mine."

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Siblings may fight, but I haven't seen a single pair on pokémon that have shown a hatred for one another. I see this with Misty more than any other character, where she hates he sisters for, literally, reasons I've listed above. Bossy. Loud. Emotional. Yeah…'kay. Are you sure there isn't any other Cerulean sister that might fit that description? Complaints I understand, sisterly teasing and smacking around, yes, but unending hate? Really? I don't know of any character that acts that way.  
XD And the reason you don't see it with Brock and May is because their family is never mentioned. Brock's isn't, because nobody cares about the poor guy and May's isn't because he gets in the way of the passion.


	81. Triangle

Idea from: Shadow-Aura-Knight

So, on the "again and again"s, I occasionally improvised and did what I felt like. –shrugs-

Triangle (Parody of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend")

It starts one day, when Cassie gets a laptop.  
Songfics, crack!fics, but the fun just doesn't stop!  
There's one more parody, a cliché no author can resist.

Ash is first up, our resident school sex stud.  
Next comes Misty, she's Ash's childhood bud.  
You can't forget May, the "evil psycho man thief".

Start day one, we're having fun, perfect relationships.  
And then, here comes a new brunette. She's bringing up shit.  
And then she tries to make a move on our little Ash.

He's so dumb, he just can't break away.  
While she makes a move it's in her arms that he'll stay.  
And Misty walks in the door right before the mood gets hot.  
Or not…or not…or not…

And Misty's like, all "What a bitch."  
And May thinks her plan's got no hitch.  
And as for Ash? Well, guys are only trophies!  
He ain't got some kinda free will!

Hey, look, cat fight! In some kind of public setting!  
And always, of course, all the boys are betting.  
Ash sits somewhere…kinda doing nothing.

And it's one _hell _of a freaking cat fight.  
The only scene you've got, that's even _barely _written right.  
It'll go on for seven or eight "chapters".

And May runs off, all defeated and a total geek.  
And all the guys that bet on her are having total freak  
Out and they shout 'cuz they lost all their cash.

But don't worry May's not out for the count yet.  
She's gonna pull a _Carrie_, just place your bets!  
She's still gotta rob our precious couple of their love.  
From above, yeah…their love. Sure.

And Misty's like, all "What a bitch."  
And May thinks her plan's got no hitch.  
And as for Ash? Well, guys are only trophies!  
He ain't got some kinda free will!

Stage two, code blue, May's back in action.  
Hey she's gotta gun, let's see Misty's reaction.  
And she's pretty shocked, hey, wouldn't you be?

It only took a second until Ash snapped into hero mode.  
After all this time he's figured out how go.  
And he saves Misty, because as we all know so well.  
Strong characters and development? They can just go to hell!

So now, all done, Ash took care of that whore.  
Now the perfect couple can stroll of into Nevermore.  
And now it's just like the story never happened.

No way, no way, no way, no way…

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: I say stay away from this at all costs, because it does nothing but objectify the males and females. If you do it, you need to have an actual plot. This can be a subplot, or a plot device, but it cannot be a plot itself.


	82. Mental

**Idea from: One of these is from Watery-the-Strange**

Mental

Ash jumped to his feet, clenching his fists by his sides with little boy rage. It had been a terrible day. First, there hadn't been any bacon. Next, he had run out of his pills. Finally, Gary Oak had shown up and he just always made things suck. All the girls loved him. Brock thought he was cool. Only Ash could tell that the boy was pure evil, and he was the only one who could stand up to him! He did so, crying: "I just can't stand you, Gary Oak! I challenge you to a duel!"

"Battle," Brock corrected, turning a page in _Breeder's Monthly_.

"Whatever! I challenge you to it. Samurai swords, we fight to the death! And guess what? I don't die easy!" And it was true. He didn't. Ash had some kind of magical property. Sometimes he was resurrected, sometimes he was saved right before the blow was blown, and sometimes he was saved in an impossible, creepy, almost disturbing way. One time a Pidgey saved him. Carried him by the shoulders.

He smirked. "You've got a sword?"

"Mew, Gary, why are you such a _jerk_! All you ever do is put me down! Screw you! Battle me like your life depends on it! 'Cuz it does! Whoever wins had to perform a mercy killing of the other! That's right, even if you win, your soul dies at having to murder someone who was once a close friend! Prepare to be physically or mentally wounded, or some combination of the two!"

"You're crazy."

"Crazy with _power_," Ash said, as if this was better than being simply mad. Perhaps it was, in a way. If you took away the boy, he couldn't still be mad. That, or his madness would greatly decrease. Still didn't change the fact that boy was crazier than a rabbit with a half a cup of tea and a man with a hat treated with mercury.

"Sure. That's it." Gary rolled his eyes. "Listen, Ash, I don't have any pokémon on me. So, how about we battle on our DS stuff? I've got Platinum, you too?"

"Of course," Ash said proudly. "I don't think you want to do that, though, I'm a Platinum God."

"EV?"

"I have _all _the eevee evolutions!"

"Yeah. Okay." Gary laughed, getting to his feet. "Ash, let's battle."

_Five minutes and a crushing defeat on a portable gaming system later…_

"Oh. My. Mew! How could you defeat my ultimate team of Legendaries with a freaking raticate!"

"It's called EV and strategy, neither of which apply in the real world. You can't play the video game Ash. Sorry. Fail."

Minimoral: Bringing up again the game a bit, things that apply in the game don't apply in the pokeworld. In the game, you can fly on a pidgey. That will not work in the show itself. You'd make the pidgey "faint". But, it comes down to Legendaries. You cannot catch Legendaries. That's _wrong_. That's like keeping an endangered predator species and locking it up in your house. That's wrong and it's dangerous. Stop making Ash do it.  
…Not to mention it's probably sacrilegious.

**

* * *

**

"What kind of pokémon are you, Dawn?"

"I'm not singing, Ash. I have the worst voice ever. Well, not ever, but it's not pleasant. I don't sing. I can dance like nobody's business, got the body for it. Got my mom's body. I wonder what she's doing now? Hope she's alright. She gets a little weird when you leave him alone in the big house of ours." Dawn chewed the inside of her cheek. "Wonder when Dad's comin' home? He's been gone for a long time. OhmeMew, what if he's _dead_?"

"I think I'm a lobomon," Ash interjected.

"You've got the wrong show again."

"Lobo is wolf in Spanish."

"That's terrific, Ash."

"Did you know there's a pokémon that can make you sing really well? It's called Singaling. It's move is Beautiful Voice. Its number is negative three."

"Did the mean doctors try to make you take your medicine, Ash?"

"They forgot today. I'm too quick for them." And he tapped his temple to show where he was so quick.

"Okay."

"This isn't the real world, is it? Digimon is. Or Ouran High School Host Club. Did you know they have the best pokémon ever?"

"Brock!" the girl shouted. "Ash is broken."

"Tamaki-sempai, use Charm!"

Minimoral: There's so many pokémon with moves that can suit you for almost any need. Not to mention that they're rather open with how they work, so you can use them however you want. Attract could be used to make people fall in love. Hypnosis can make people do crazy things. You could get caught up in an amnesia attack (yeah, it causes amnesia)! Stop making up imaginary pokémon. They're usually stupid. Sorry, but it's true.

**

* * *

**

"I'm Ash Ketchum," Ash Ketchum told his mother, running downstairs with a large grin. "Today, I'm starting my pokémon journey. That's why I'm talking to you. I'd look for Oak, but I know I won't be able to find him. I can't find Oak anywhere, so I'm going into the tall grass, mother!"

"Ash, did you take your pills today?" his mother asked pleasantly.

He brought himself to his full height, straightening his back, lifting his chin, and declared: "_Champions_ don't take pills."

"I think you need to go back to bed."

"I bet Oak won't remember Gary's name, won't that be funny, mama?"

"Ash, the doctor said-"

"The doctor? What doctor? You mean Nurse Jenny and Officer Joy? Mom, I need to defeat Brock of the Elite Four!" He froze. "Why does my head hurt so bad?"

Minimoral: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Please! Do you know how annoying it is to read the exact same plot as the game? Sorry. I can only stand one for each game. Make up your own freaking _plot_. It's not that hard! Pick your characters, make a setting, and throw in a villain! You're set! I've seen these where they try to put the characters (anime styles, mind you) in the game. Stop using canon characters and using recycled plots.

* * *

Overall Moral: All the anime characters I find attractive are voiced by Vic Mignogna in their English dub.


	83. Caged

Caged

She set her teeth on the bars, snarling, biting, kicking at them with her feet. She knew it hurt. She knew it was doing harm by the blood in her mouth and her feet swelling so big they could no longer fit comfortably in her shoes, if she wore any. But the cell was cold and dark with only a hole in the ground as a toilet and a small tray of fruits and vegetables and the once a week meat to fill her up. Outside, there were only battles ahead, pokeballs. She couldn't be trapped in that, in an even smaller cage. She has already been stolen from those wide, green grasses she called her home.

Electricity pumped through the gate and she screamed – her kind never dealt well with electricity – and fell to her knees. She quivered and cried, covering her mouth with both hands. Then came the footsteps, all different sizes, and she could only hope that they would keep walking by her cage, move on and take someone else, decide she wasn't worth their time. They stopped by hers, of course, anything else would have been lucky and circumstances and certainly proved that wrong.

"Please, I…I didn't do anything," she whispered. "I'm only a _kid_. Maybe we all look the same to you, but I'm only a kid. I can't fight anyone. Let me going home to my family."

The chimchar wrapped its little fingers around the bars, pressing his face to them. "I bet you'll be a great fighter! You're so strong! That's why they picked you. I mean, it's really rare for a little girl like you to accidentally wind up with the genetics to be a great fighter! Don't worry, I'll hardly ever let you faint and I'll be sure to pace you, fight smaller opponents and then get them bigger. And I absolutely promise not to breed you until you're ready, promise!"

"I'll never get to kiss a boy," she cried. "I won't be able to get a job and live a normal life!"

"You'll get famous and be stronger then before!" the little pokémon insisted. "And…and I'll be a good trainer! I promise to take care of you! I'll cook all the best foods, and I promise to give you whatever you ask! You have no idea how many people wanted you because of your stats and, well, the obvious."

She sniffed and looked up, blinking big eyes. "Obvious?"

"Yeah," he laughed. "Your coloring! You're a shiny, with your crazy red hair. Everyone was competing over you."

He reached his had through the gate to stroke her head, but she bit him hard, shaking her head until his bloodied finger managed to pull away. Then she rammed herself against the bars, just once, quick and pulled back before it could zap her.

"Don't you pet me!" she screamed. "I'm no pokémon so don't you dare! Don't you dare! I'm Misty Yawa and I refuse to be caught! I won't let you! I won't let you! I won't!"

"We can catch you some friends, whoever you like! You wont' believe the moves I could teach you! I've been studying for years and I promise to take good care of you." He reached into his bag and pulled out a candy, tossing it through the bars as a peace offering.

She gobbled it down, only dropping her eyes for a second to find the candy on the floor. The second was all her needed, tossing an ultra ball and grinning when the red light sucked her inside. He didn't worry that it wiggled, it always did, but there was no way she could break free. It made the soft sound of the information locking in, locking her in, and the cage door opened. He shuffled inside when the Alakazam behind him encouraged ad picked up the ball with a smile.

"Don't worry, Misty. You'll learn to like me soon enough!"

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Pokémon are not perfect, magical versions of people. And, obviously, there has to be something stopping them from being a dominant race. A what if story is awesome, those are always great! But if pokémon are rising up for no apparent reason, you're going to need a bit of help. That, and it's been shown time and time again that pokémon get into fights in the anime, jump out to attack you in the game, and kill each other for food and funsies in the manga. No matter what you get into, these are not peaceful, wonderful, awesome creatures. Go by the content, not what the lying voice over man says.  
Or the lying new writers says. XD

I need sleep, so so long!


	84. Bad Guys

**Idea from: How about all of us, all together, set millions of old and broken copies of Microsoft Word up in flames? Last time I ever make a chart. EVER.**

Bad Guys

"Welcome to Team Spaceship!" proclaimed the woman, waving her arms around the large base she inhabited. "I hope you've enjoyed the tour. Please get into your uniforms and march out to get the briefing on your mission. Also, make sure that your adult diapers are sealed tight! Our boss is very intimidating and very exciting, and many Team members have been known to wet themselves with excitement, though that could be do to the strange experiments we've done to their brain." She laughed and put her index finger to her temple.

"Team Spaceship?" Misty muttered. "Of all the ridiculous…Team Spaceship for Mew's sake! What kind of brain damaged kid came up with _that_? Team Spaceship. Stupid name. Not even a clever stupid name, like Team Fascism or something fun. Ash? Brock? _Please_ tell me I'm not alone on this."

"I'm shocked beyond words," Brock agreed, though he didn't quite sound like he was in complete agreement.

Ash sighed, "I hope my underpants thingies don't chafe. I got all red and irritated when I was little because I was allergic to the diapers…or mom forgot to change me."

"Your mom forgot to change you"

"But, really, I-"

"Misty, you just _changed _in front of us!" Ash gasped, cutting her off. "That means I'm going to be killed by zombies! Oh, Mew, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to gaze upon your naked flesh, Misty! Please, don't make your zombie horde attack me! I didn't do it on purpose!"

"Dammit, Ash, I was in a bathing suit! Are we going to have this freak out _every _time you see my collarbone?

"So, I won't be killed by zombies?"

"Oh no." She chuckled. "They're still going to come for you, since you dared to think about my naked flesh."

"No," Ash moaned. "Not t_hem_."

"Misty," Brock chided, "stop scaring the Chosen One. You know how the Legendaries hate that."

She muttered an apology that didn't really sound like an apology and they shuffled out with the rest of the group. They walked and walked and, had Bittersweet Romanticide had no mercy, three or four pages would have been filled with pointless dialogue – just like a real badfic. But, she skipped it and they came to a large secret base room with a bunch of people and a platform that the leader-like man was standing on. See? Taek dat! I'm ttly descriptive! No moar haet commenz plz!

"Can I quit fasnfiction?" Ash asked suddenly, eyes lighting up with joy. "I mean, am I allowed to quit? I think I should be allowed to if I'm not. I'll still do the show, and have all my alter egos in the manga and the game, I just can't be in fanfiction. If they try to post a fanfiction with me in it, or anyone who's supposed to basically be me, like Red, the computer eats it and never gives it back. I'm just really tired of the junk and having to make out with girls when I'm ten."

"Ash, if characters could quit fanfiction, there wouldn't be any fanfiction," Misty scolded. "And I'd figure you'd have a bigger problem with us getting raped all the time."

"My fellow Team Spaceship members!" shouted the man on the stage.

She moaned, falling back against back and glaring up at the ceiling. She repeated once more, "Team _Spaceship_, Brock. It's called Team _Spaceship_," and he patted her head and set her back on her feet, hands dropping to her shoulders to keep the girl steady. Ash, of course, only made the situation worse by leaning forward to rest his forehead on Brock. Pikachu, meanwhile, scampered around the three of them, slightly hyper off the espresso she had lapped up from the floor.

"—We gather here today—"

"For snacks on the refreshment table and tea on the foi-er."

"Foyer, Ash. Foyer."

"—to give you a mission unlike any other."

"Except every other we've seen on fanfiction."

"We steal Mewtwo today."

"Bitch, please," Ash declared proudly.

"And after we steal Mewtwo, we'll take over the world."

Brock grinned, looking back and forth between his two friends. "First, I'll buy a cucumber, and with that cucumber I shall make a pickle. And then…oh, 5then I shall eat the pickle. Are you scared of the pickle, Ash?"

"Terrified, Brocko."

"Misty?"

"I'm crying with fear on the inside."

"We will use the pokémon's psychic powers—"

"I will use the cucumber's pre-pickle-ness."

"—and use a machine—"

"And use a jar with pickle-making fluids."

"—and use them to rule the world."

"And use them to make a pickle which I can eat."

"Gee, Brock, when you put it that way, these vague world takeover plans just sound silly," Misty said, her eyes opening as wide as she could make them.

"Misty, I will give you a luxury ball if you get up on that platform and sing ABBA's _Waterloo_. That's not a joke. I would love you forever and ever and I would get you a luxury ball. Who cares if they shoot at you? Not only are we immortal, but these people can't aim for crap. You could pull it off and it would be the best. Day. Ever."

"If I do it in my bathing suit, will you add a net ball?"

"If you do it topless we'll both chip in for a set of pokeballs," Brock encouraged.

"Bathing suit then."

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Where'd that joking relationship between the three of them go? Ahs hasn't fallen into his shame spiral in years. Anywho, just use the teams we've already got and try to think of a plot that hasn't been used in a pokémon movie. And kill someone. Seriously. You have no idea how much it helps.

I always wish I could be more descriptive with these, but it just comes out so much better with raw, snappy dialogue.


	85. I'll Make a Bitch Out of You

**Idea from: Chocolate Berry wanted another spin on the love triangles, and then Sage Monarch wanted a parody of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" and I thought "I'll make a bitch out of you". My good side said, Natty, **_**no**_**, but my naughty side said YES.**

**What can I say? Pokémon Mystery Dungeon says I'm sassy.**

I'll Make a Bitch Out of You (Parody of Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You") – Sung by Dawn

Let's get down to business,  
So you can dump your guy.  
I don't want to see your marcy  
I want that loser to cry.

You're the weakest girl  
I've tried to teach  
But if I can have  
a couple days  
I'll make a bitch  
out of May.

Brendan's a total loser,  
but girl, don't fear.  
Your love triangle will soon start…  
When your Drew appears!  
You've got a heart, a soul,  
and sympathy.  
And you can't believe it's true  
But May I'll make a bitch  
Out of you

You're never gonna tough it out.  
Until you lose your feelings.  
Mew I can't believe I'm stuck  
With a cutesy girl.  
You just have to  
throw him aside!  
Boys never cry babe,  
Do they?  
Come on May!  
You can break his heart!

(Be a bitch)  
Just do it quick  
like a band aid  
(Be a bitch)  
And hit him hard  
Try to make him cry.  
(Be a bitch)  
If you don't you'll  
be stuck with a kid  
Who'd be nice and stick with you  
'til you die.

We've got to hurry up!  
Drew is on his way!  
If you're not a bitch by midnight,  
Well what can, I say?  
You'll be stuck with,  
Some nice guy.  
Who would love and care for you.  
And all he asks, in return  
Is the same from you.  
(_Boring! That's not sexy…_)

(Be a bitch)  
Just do it quick  
like a band aid  
(Be a bitch)  
And hit him hard  
Try to make him cry.  
(Be a bitch)  
If you don't you'll  
be stuck with a kid  
Who'd be nice and stick with you  
'til you die.

(Be a bitch)  
Just do it quick  
like a band aid  
(Be a bitch)  
And hit him hard  
Try to make him cry.  
(Be a bitch)  
If you don't you'll  
be stuck with a kid  
Who'd be nice and stick with you  
'til you die._  
(And what good is that if he's not HAwTt?)_

**(PAGEBREAK)**

Moral of the Story: The pokémon characters are supposed to be nice well rounded good people. They do not dump GuyA instantly because GuyB is hotter. Once again, you probably can't do a love triangle. Find the best author you know and ask them first before you attempt to do this so they can tell you whether or not you're being stupid. Remember, we all have our very, very bad moments. I sure as hell have.

And I _am _sassy. I made comments on my test addressed to my teacher. It's not my fault she put subjective subjects in an objective setting.


	86. BFFs

**Idea from: Chocolate Berry**

BFFs

"Ohmemew," said May excitedly, crowding around Dawn and Misty.

Then, May began to do a really crappy female voice over, though, due to the fact that the only acceptable voiceover is either very dramatic or very funny, and generally needs a deep voice, May really couldn't be hated for that.

_These are my friends, Dawn and Misty. Dawn and I have been close friends since birth. Both our families are really rich and live right next door to each other. If I was a boy, we would have had an arranged marriage, which is cool, because Dawn and I totally agree that if I was a boy we'd be perfect for each other, but we're not, and we're not gay so…_

_This is Misty. She has red hair and is totally my BFF. We met her just a couple years ago. She was depressed because she was a tomboy and didn't know how to attract guys. She thought she was ugly, but we knew better. Eight pounds of makeup and a water bra later and she was HAWT! That just goes to show that you should never judge a person based on their appearance, because they could turn out to be hot underneath! Yay for makeovers and shallow expectations!_

"I can't believe that today is the day we all get boyfriends!" said Misty.

_Misty usually gets excited, _said May's voiceover_, because she used to live under a rock. She hung out with boys and could really relate to them, not only that, but they didn't even make passes at her and treated her like a respectable human being. Yuck! Thankfully, she's finally figured out that you have to hang out with girls if you want to date a guy._

"Ohmewmew, Misty don't, like, get excited. You're creeping out Sasha."

_Sasha is this little dog Dawn carries around. Sasha shakes a lot. Don't tell anyone, but I'm kind of afraid of Sasha. She has the red eyes of Satan._

"Sorry," said Misty guiltily, going off to a corner with a razor.

_Misty cuts herself with that razor. I hope she remembers to wear lots of concealer because scars are only hot on guys in war movies and Alex Trebek._

"So, May, who do you want to be your boyfriend?"

_If I tell Dawn I like Drew, she'll laugh at me and I'll be embarrassed. I shouldn't tell her._

"I like Drew," May said. Dawn laughed.

_I wonder how good that razor thing feels._

"I like Paul. He's hotter than Drew."

_If I had less manners, I would tell Dawn to stick His Hotness up her ass and put a revolver in her mouth. But I'm civilized, and I have lots of manners._

"Do you know that corn mazes take forever to get out of?" May said loudly in hopes of changing the subject.

"Are you trying to change the subject?"

_Crap! I've been caught! Lie, May! Lie!_

"Yes."

_Damn you, Jewish guilt!_

"Wait, I'm not Jewish…"

"Ohmewmew, I think I cut too deep!" Misty shrieked. "I'm too young to die! Ohmemew!"

"Well, what do you cut for then?" Dawn asked.

"You told me that's what all the cool kids are doing!"

_Oh…yeah. I remember that. Huh. I really hope we don't go to jail for that. Or well. Maybe we should have specified it's only hot when guys do it. Huh. Wow. Damn, maybe I should convert to Judaism, since they don't have a hell n' all._

"Oh. It's stopped. That's good. I hope it's not because I ran out of blood."

_You know, maybe there is a Jewish god. I should check that out. Maybe I should look up how to make corn tortillas. Mmm, burritos._

"So, anyway, is there someone you like Misty?"

_I don't really care if Misty likes anyone. I don't care about Dawn either. Maybe I should kill her. No one would mind, not really. She's a real bitch. She tried to make me be a bitch. I shouldn't have stopped traveling with Ash. Or changed Misty. She's annoying now and Dawn's just…yeah. I probably could kill her. I'd need a blade…_

"And he's really hot."

"Paul is hot."

…_and three quarts of salt water…_

"I wonder if he likes me."

"He so hot! He's got to!"

…_eighteen gallons of corrosive acid, two bottles of salsa…_

"His naked bod-"

…_and a big bucket of jelly._

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: They are _not _childhood friends. They do _not _sit around and talk about guys. They had a sleepover on the show and talked about pokémon for goodness sakes! Plus these usually decay into chaos and nonsense anyway. You can have them friends, but you need to build a relationship. They've met each other, like, once, and Dawn and Misty have never met. AU, fine, but trying to put it in the show? No.

Thankfully, I've never seen a voiceover fic. O.o Anyone out there wanna give it a shot? I'd read it.

KnightSoul: The original triangle chapter was basically about that. In my mind, there's not much of a difference between girls fighting over a guy and a guy just choosing the girl.


	87. Transvestite

**Idea from: Soaringdragon43**

Transvestite – Sung by Ash (Parody of "Crazy Bitch")

_Guys!_

You dress me up and you paint my face.  
And I feel so out of place.  
But you just want to get me in  
To some place, with all those girls.  
You want me to join,  
But I've got a groin…

Girls,  
I'm not a transvestite.  
I don't want to wear a dress tonight.  
Only if, I get some kinda prize  
Would I be willing to be a girl for you guys.

Guys,  
I'm not a transvestite.  
I don't want to wear a dress tonight.  
But you love, that I put on a dress.  
Said if I was a real lady you would be impressed.

Headin' out, and I look so hot.  
But I'm on the spot.  
And I'm just not…good at this.  
These girls are sharp, they see through me.  
Girls and boys honestly, did you think I could pull this off?

Girls?  
Yeah, not a transvestite.  
Don't wanna be an uke tonight.  
Dress me up, instead in art on the web,  
Because your fanfiction provides no hot images.

Guys?  
I dressed up for kicks.  
These plans never go off without a hitch.  
I don't get girls, not at all.  
I try to act like one and the motor stalls.

Put down the camera.  
I'm not in the mood!  
Turn off your cell phones!  
And take it off youtube!

_(And here there was orgasmic moaning which I honestly don't know how it would fit this song…without going back to the uke topic…)_

Girls,  
I'm not a transvestite.  
I don't want to wear a dress tonight.  
Only if, I get some kinda prize  
Would I be willing to be a girl for you guys.

Guys,  
I'm not a transvestite.  
I don't want to wear a dress tonight.  
But you love, that I put on a dress.  
Said if I was a real lady you would be impressed.

Guys and girls,  
I'm just a kid.  
My innocence  
Has just been knocked out.  
Where's my badge?  
Or where's my prize?  
…So stupid  
I just wanna put my pants on!

Guys!  
I'm _not _a transvestite,  
Stop asking me if I'll warm your bed tonight.  
And besides, being gay and dressing up,  
Are two different things, yeah, I know what's up.

Man,  
I look good in a skirt.  
Doesn't mean you have to treat me like dirt.  
Because I scream, when I see these fics.  
Stop ruining my character just for the kicks.

…Transvestite.  
Why don't you take a look at James?

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Ash dressing up like a girl is fun, but it bothers me when he enjoys doing it. I've only seen one, a palletshipping one, which turned out great. Generally, it's just stupid and doesn't match his character. Ash'll do anything for a badge. Odds are, ten year old Ash would have prostituted himself for a badge without knowing what the heck he was doing. He can also be persuaded into it, but just for fun? Nah. The same goes for any other character. If you have them crossdress, you need a really good reason for it.


	88. Psycho Shippers

Morals are tossed in willy nilly. Don't worry, you'll see them.

Pairing Wars

Cassie stood in front of a white board. "Today I will be talking to you about my favorite shipping. Pokeshipping."

_Natty sat with a notebook in her lap. "Today, I will be making fun of psycho shippers."_

The girl then uncapped a pen, a red dry erase board pen, and began drawing diagrams and such on the board. "See, pokeshipping is the only true ship in pokémon. It's the _only _one. All the other ones are wrong. I mean, the writers and Tajiri obviously want it. And, I mean, shipping is a really big part of the show. It's, like, a _crucial _part. So they're definitely going to bring Misty back. Like, tomorrow or something. I don't know. The fansite I read wasn't very clear."

"_Faulty fansites are _bad_." Natty held up her notebook, which read in big, bold letters BAD. "We should never, _ever _use rumors about Misty or May or Max or anyone coming back to the show when they're from a faulty fansite. We also need to make sure we check something called the _'opening Japanese credits'_. If your favorite character is in this title sequence, odds are they will make a very brief guest appearance. If they're not, you need to sit down and have quiet time. Make sure it comes from good sites, and has information of valid things, like Heart Gold and Soul Silver. Anyone else excited as hell for those remakes?"_

"Advanceshipping is obviously wrong because…because!"

"_You would be surprised how many faults your pairing is likely to have. Every pairing you have ever supported in Pokémon, every single one, is wrong. It's a lie just like the cake. I'm sorry. I know it sucks. And, on a side note to anyone who _isn't _a fan of advanceshipping? Yeah. Arguing from the pokeshipping side doesn't work. Ever. It just ends up a stalemate between the two because both characters left and blah and time passes and blah. It's a boring debate. Stop doing it. Could you go with contestshipping and advanceshipping instead? They're _so _much more fun to read. Sadly, with the ending of Battle Frontier the weaker of the advanceshippers usually end up like this." Natty held up a terrible drawing, a stick figure with a knife in its heart, in a pool of black blood with an overly large tongue sticking out. "That's sad. I hate it when that happens. I really do like the shippers, every breed of them. It's so sad when they die…like orangeshippers…"_

"Pokeshipping is way better. I mean, brown hair and black hair? Ew. So bland. Red and black go together _way _better."

"_There are days I wonder why some of these sad little shippers even participate. Orangeshippers, really? It's adorable, but it never stands up to anything. The only hint you attempt to throw at us is that Daisy imagined Misty and Tracey in a play together, which they both calmly replied to as wrong, and one or two other instances both calmly denied. I feel bad. I mean…just write the fics. There's some things you can't win. Elricest will never be true, but I'll still love it forever."_

_She blinked. "Oh, and try to use actual evidence instead of sounding like a n00b moron? You make the rest of you look like idiots. Sad to say, and I'm honestly not trying to pick on any ship especially, but this poor little advanceshipper. When confronted with evidence gave the saddest reply I had ever heard…it –I've no idea the gender—said 'i hv only been an advanceshipper 4 a week, so of course i don't know anything'. Oh, that poor, stupid little thing. I didn't judge the rest of your fellow shippers, but I'm sure so many people saw that and nearly cried."_

"Look? See! They totally look at each other right there! True love!"

"_So, apparently I didn't make myself clear, 'cuz, like, forty people asked me if I was hating May less because I made her funny, and I wasn't sure if there was anyone else who wanted to ask me but decided not to, so I'm just going to get this out there for everyone: I don't hate her. I actually think, although it was only there for two episodes, she was the best character development on the show. Not because of her fear of pokémon, but because she found out Ash was screwing her over with his advice and she ditched his sorry behind. I would demand the same thing of any character on that show, and she proved that she had a spine by doing that. Kudos, May._

"_She's not my favorite, but I honestly can't think of a single character I hate. She's nice, bubbly, fun to work with. Yeah, I like her. I _use _her, don't I? That has to say something. It just turns out that, apparently, although using May's worst qualities, gullibility and sweetness, and then blowing them way out of proportion means I hate her, doing the same thing with Misty's and making her a psycho murdering bitch means I like her and murder is cool."_

_She put her chin in her hands and sighed. "Screw it. I'll never get it. I should ditch my brain and get surgery to look like someone hot. That's all the world really craves, in the end, a pretty face and magical solutions to make all the problems in the world go away."_

"And he saves her here."

_She grinned. "Yeah, this is my favorite. OemG! Bob has fallen off a cliff! Should I save my friend…nah, I don't have a crush on him! I don't understanding saving at all."_

"And his pokémon likes her pokémon! Proof! Wait, crap, wrong shipping."

"_Yup, because if _my _dog likes _your _dog, it means we're in love and need to have kinky sex. Immediately. Regardless of gender or orientation or age. Just do it _now_. It's a hint! It's a sign from the heavens about that we're supposed to be in love forever!"_

Cassie capped her marker. "Plus, I don't like it, so you'll never change my mind!"

"_The only valid point they ever make," Natty sighed. "And the closest thing you'll ever have to canon is contestshipping. Unless there's a time skip and fanservice at the end of all this mayhem, we will never, ever, ever see a pairing happen. It's for little kids. Tajiri made it so we could catch bugs even though we live in concrete. So once you've finished sobbing, do a little work and build yourself a bridge. Then stand on top of it…"_

"…_and enjoy the view from the highest point of sanity you're ever likely to reach."_


	89. Show Some Creativity

Show Some Creativity

"Can I eat her?" Misty asked, cocking her head to the side.

Ash replied, "No."

"Can it cook?"

"Yup."

"Can it be sold?"

"Not legally." He paused. "Well, everything's legal as long as you don't fail at it. That's the problem with criminals nowadays. Everybody thinks that if you suck at other stuff, you're a criminal. No, failures aren't criminals. You can fail at being a criminal too. You should only be a criminal if you're good at it. If you're caught three or four times for stealing, stealing is obviously not a good career choice for you-"

She bit her lip. "Can I use it to get free stuff?"

"Oh yeah. It's got a great charm attack on it."

Misty beamed. "Yeah, okay. We can keep Dawn. I think this one's gonna be more useful than May. It can cook and whore!"

"Hello? I'm in the room."

"Shut up and make me a sandwich, woman! That's all you're good for!"

It was then that Drew walked in through a plothole, as plothole is the best way to get around in the pokémon world, and arched an eyebrow Misty's way. "Hello, Bitch."

"Welcome back, Son of a Prostitute," Misty chimed.

"You've met?"

"To be fair, I was really made once out argument ended and he said that feisty redheads were out of style. I _had _to ask him if that was his leather-clad mother on the street corner, Ash. I just _had _to!"

Minimoral: Drew and Misty, Tracey and Dawn, Duplica and May, for goodness sakes! Can't you ever make the introduction interesting? It's either the boring "hi" or "I save you from cliff, we makes babies nao?". Mix it up! An introduction sets the entire tone of the relationship and gives it a way to evolve.

**

* * *

**

"Hi!" chirped Ash. "I can play the electric guitar! As a male!"

"Hello!" chirped Dawn. "I can sing! As a female!"

The talent scout, a short haired girl, hair cut in a bob shape, with a name tag "Natty", got on her tip toes to try and see around. "Can I talk to the redhead playing bass guitar or the black haired little boy with glasses making music on his computer?"

"Why?" the two asked.

"Because the world likes _different_ things, and you two are so generic it's not even funny."

Minimoral: You, all of you, must write a story with Max in it at some point. If not, then at least try to give them an interesting talent and please try to find ones that suit their personality.

**

* * *

**

"Ash, I promise to do anything you want for a week if we can skip that stupid bug infested path! I'll be your own personal slave!"

Ash's eyes widened. "You…just said…said you know what in front of you know who."

"I…" Misty blinked. "Brock, what'd I say?"

"Slave."

Her eyes went wide and she turned to May. "Ohmewmew, May, I'm _so _sorry! I didn't mean to say slave! I'm _so _sorry!"

"Oh, it's alright. It was only three hundred years ago." She grinned. "Besides, your time will come."

Minimoral: I'm getting sick of people bringing Earth things into the pokeworld. I can stand music, because, frankly, inventing new music doesn't work so well in writing. You have to be insanely good to pool that off. I let quotes and things slide because they're a good way to jumpstart things and, sadly, most readers don't want to read about imaginary once-mentioned historical figures, even if it would make the pokeworld more real. Sexism and racism just gets on my nerves. It's so uncreative. Gees, be sexist towards the guys once in a while! Oppress other regions, gym leaders against trainers or trainers against coordinators. Whatever! Just, well, mix it up.

**

* * *

**

Man, I'm so, so sorry! It's just been so stressful. I had AP exams, I have exams coming up for school, projects, and all sorts of personal baggage that I've been trying to unload. Not to mention getting into fun, serious debates on forums considering my school hates thought and wants to smash me into submission.

Please be patient with me, and I'm so sorry!

And, on another topic, did the most recent season of Pokemon just end, or is my Tivo angry at me and no longer wishes to record new episodes and makes me drown in reruns?


	90. Tracey Bashing

**Idea From: **ShinyAeon

Tracey Bashing

"But it's so _funny_," Misty moaned sadly. "I mean, if you do it right. It's not even because he's overused! Look at Naruto Abridged and Sakura! Her being useless is the oldest joke in the book, but it's still funny when they do it, because they're _good _at it! If anything, it's only a testament to Brock! It proves he's loved more than I am! May didn't get half the crap Tracey did. I mean, the Tracey jokes _still _get a laugh and are encouraged too! You make fun of May or me and people get up in your face. Make fun of Tracey and your comments are full of fat jokes! And do you know why? Because fat jokes are always funny! Even if you're fat they're funny!"

"How can you be so insensitive?" May gasped.

Misty snorted. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm about as shallow as a bucket with a hole in the bottom."

"I don't see why people wouldn't find them funny. Heck, I'm skinny and my own father told me, 'you're fat, eat a salad'. He didn't want to spend the money on the steak. Still, I don't see why it bugs people so much. If I'm not fat, I don't see why it would bug me because I'm _obviously _not fat. And, if I _was _fat, I don't see how that's an insult. I'd be fat. That'd be like someone laughing and calling me Cuban. Duh, I am Cuban. Why would that be offensive?" Natty put her chin in her hands. "Does anyone want to hear about my life? It's really interesting."

"No," Tracey said swiftly. "I don't mind them. If they're stupid, then they're stupid, but I don't see why I should get off free. Everyone gets mocked at some point or another. It's just about quality, not quantity. Hell, I was only a character because Japan was afraid that Brock would be offensive, since they blocked the jinx and all. Once they were talked too they brought Brock right back. You need two guys and a chick. Aside from all that, I did kind of suck anything but personality wise."

Misty began to giggle. "You had a nearly dead scyther and a venonat, both of them making Psyduck look good when he _wasn't _being a twisted little piece of dues ex machina! And what were you good at? _Sketching_? Oh no! People are in trouble! Quick, Tracey, save us with your awesome drawing skills! You can draw Ash's face and make them all run away with their eyes melting out of their face! No! Not the pencil! Anything but the pencil!"

"I got it!" Natty grinned, sitting up quickly.

_The rained poured down his face, mingling with the warm tears. Cold and hot…the sensations…so…opposite. So different. So unconnected. So unrelated. So…so synonym for opposite. The tears were salty too…so unlike the rain which was fresh water. But the tears were good…they symbolized his need for revenge. Revenge he would have…oh yes. Scyther he could take. That pokémon's passing was no problem for him. Venonat dying? A little more painful, but nothing that would cut too deeply._

_They'd gone too far now._

_He raised his broken pencil to the heavens, fell to his knees in the soft, spongy grass and screamed, screamed until his face was red and he broke down sobbing once more._

"_Steve the Pencil…Greg the Pen shall avenge your soul! We're sorry you had to go Steve. We all know you're in hell now…I mean, after that thing with the goat and the soap and Dragonball Z Abridged…there's just no chance for you Steve. You're screwed."_

Tracey sighed. "You aren't funny."

"Okay, so I've got my sexual orientation down, my general religious beliefs down, and I'm switching schools which should give me good luck. I just need to figure out how I'm going to save the world from itself and its hypocrisies, become the leader of the Zombie Revolution – not against it, by the way, but being their Zombie Queen – and if it would really be that wrong to create a mind control device so I can have whatever I want, speaking of both items and people."

"It's about as wrong as Tracey bashing," May snapped.

"So it's perfectly okay?

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Bashing is fine as long as it's…you know, funny. If it's just obnoxious ranting about someone being a whore or being fat, just ignore it. No, Tracey isn't exempt. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with having an entire fix devoted to Tracey hate. If it's stupid and completely against his character (see: Tracey is jealous of Ash and Misty's twu wuv and tries to kill them in their sleep, but twu wuv prevails) then that's canon rape. If it's a joke and you take his worst qualities and exaggerate them? That's funny.

Two more days of exams everyone! Hope you're enjoying the last few chapters!


	91. Babies

**Idea sort semi from: Yoshi's Kun (I kinda went off track with the "no protection" thing and jumped to the result of it. I hope you don't mind!)**

I'm really, really trying to do stuff. Unfortunately, no one will leave me alone so I can write. –sigh-

Babies

It was a _baby_, for goodness sakes. It shouldn't be _too _hard to take care of. Misty, May, and Dawn all knew that, but Misty wasn't sure why there was this lump of hate and disgust that coiled in her gut when she saw the pink thing squirming in the crib and realized it was going to be hers for a day. It couldn't be any different from raising a baby pokémon, could it? It had to be just as simple, or just as hard, and it's not like she was going through it _alone _either. Still, it felt like she had swallowed a bucket of lead.

"It's cute," she said finally, leaning over the crib with a halfhearted smile. The dark blue hair and bright blue eyes seemed to focus on her, a stare more intense than any she'd ever seen before, on people or pokémon. "You've got a cute little brother, Dawn. I can understand why your mom thought it was so hard to leave."

"Yeah. He's cute. I haven't spent any time with him though, since I just got back. He's really cute. I can't believe how…I wish my mom had told me earlier. I would have liked to be here for a lot longer. The first couple of months. Ah well, he doesn't get a memory until…some time. I'm sure I couple of months won't matter. What's important is that I keep spending time with him, right? That I take care of my little brother. May, you know how it is. How hard is it to take care of a baby?"

The brunette jumped a bit, swallowing thickly. "What? Oh. Take care of a baby. I don't know. I've never done it before. All I remember about babies is mom telling me over and over again don't have sex because you'll end up with one and if you do have sex you need to be on a pill and a condom or have surgery because you don't want to have babies because they make noise and…and…it's only a day. Moms do this every _day_. Some parents do it without any help, single moms and dads. If they can do it on their _own _we can do it if we're all _together_, right? It can't be that hard. I mean…is anyone as nervous as I am? You guys _have _to be as nervous as I am. A little bit. Right? No. Maybe I'm crazy."

"I'm nervous," Misty jumped in. "Screw that. I'm _terrified_. That's a living, breathing, baby. _That's _what it is. We have its entire life in our hands. It could get crushed or dropped or ruined because we say the wrong word around it. Him. I've been calling him _it_! I'm a terrible mother. Oh Mew. Oh _Mew _someone get me out of here. The walls are closing in. My heart is beating too fast. I need water. I need a suitcase. Forget the suitcase. All I need is a bag and I can run like the wind."

Dawn giggled. "Brock and Ash _told _us you tend to run away."

"I'm not running away," Misty said, snatching up her bag and throwing it over her shoulder. "I'm _ditching_. It's _completely _different. You can ask Ash and Brock what ditching was. They tried to ditch me often enough. I'm ditching that baby. I can't do this. I want a pokémon and a bag and I want to travel and I'm really scared of that thing."

And with that she was off and away, muttering about sisters and protection and never having sex. Dawn had reached inside and swept the little baby up in her arms, giggling and smiling and cooing at the boy. He grinned at her, a big baby grin, and the two remaining girls couldn't help but laugh and cuddle him a little more.

"May, I think it'll be alright," she murmured. "I mean, when we're older, and ready to have one. I think we'll do alright. I think Arceus will take care of us and help us raise a kid."

May nodded. "We'll be fine."

And, through all the turmoil and tears that occurred over the next day, the statement echoed true when they handed the baby back, healthy and happy. They'd be fine.

**

* * *

**

Moral of the Story: Once again, there are unsupervised pubescent children rushing through the forest. Teenagers are running around, and the population seems to be lower that ours. This means that, from the time they're born, they must have "no sex" drummed into their brains like only good ol' fashioned brainwashing can do. Whether it's religious or just a part of their morals society, there must be something stopping them. I doubt they're going to forget all that in one night of passion. Nobody else seems to. Seriously, it must be drummed into them like murder is to ours. Protection and worry over pregnancy. Or a particularly bad STD. Who knows. The choice it up to you.

I also don't buy the total freak out meltdown story about taking care of a baby for a couple hours. Honestly, I have a deep fear of children (nothing like Misty's, especially because I love the little buggers!) and I can take care of them just fine.


	92. Mixing

**Idea from: ShinyEon and Sage Monarch (for the song)**

Mixing (Parody of RENT's Over the Moon)

Tonight, I went and read.  
On fanfiction, and the selection was bad.  
It was _bad_.  
Which is why I made this fic: Canon Rape.

But, well, sometimes, things just blow my mind.  
Games, anime and manga somehow become one.  
Not a crossover, but a fic.  
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that.

Sort of.  
Problem is, Red is not Mister Ketchum.  
Gary is not Green…or Blue.(1)  
And Pikachu is never Pikachu.  
When pokémon use scent instead of sound, and nature  
stamps its laws on their world.

And Oak does not forget names.  
Especially not his dear grandson. (2)  
And every hardcore knows that the manga is the one Satoshi dreamt about  
And the anime was real nice but it did not work out.  
Brock and Misty share a name but you  
have to learn that they are not the  
same. Because they're friggin' _strange_.

Brock knows some karate  
Misty is a rich girl – no sisters here.

And no, there's no Mew damned AU.  
They can't even stick to just one!  
Some decide to merge _The Electric Tale of Pikachu_ and the _Pokémon Special_. Gee, let's really trash Red's good reputation.

It all comes back  
To me loving  
My old fashioned Red and old fashioned Ash, and their difference.  
Don't you think if they wanted an Ash, they would have made him an Ash?  
After all, no point in bringing back fire to something that's already been burned.

You just can't compare fooled by a scent to seeing through a voice. (3)  
Though they both teach love, Ash taught me friendship and that Red taught me integrity.  
And Red showed me blood and death while Ash showed me how much it hurts

When a pet leaves, or a friend leaves, but both recovered.  
The anime  
The manga  
They're hardly the same big franchise!  
Just choose one.  
Because you can write more than one fic, and plenty of people like reading the manga too, that much I can promise you.

The anime has  
no plot, as I often say (because it is true, dear readers).  
And the manga makes you think (about how Yellow is not my love – _twist_) (4)

And the games I love  
The games that hold my heart tight  
The games that are being remade (to my joy!) (5)  
Are so radically different I can't…  
I just can not  
I can not

Hit the back button with me.  
**  


* * *

**

Moral of the Story: It's fun to mix and match a bit, as long as you explain how these things got there or slap our good friend AU or crossover on there. Good things to play with would be the little see through pokeballs, Pokémon Special battling, and more animalistic pokémon. Bad things are Brock magically knowing karate, Misty suddenly being rich, or Ash being intelligent. XD Honestly, it's very fun to pick on him.

(One) Depending on the manga you read, Red's rival is either Green or Blue.  
(Two) And this is my grandson…what's his name again? XD  
(Three) Pikachu was taken because somebody used Red's scent in the manga. Pikachu stuck by Ash in the anime, despite Jessie and James using voice changers to sound exactly like Ash (and Ash's voice was high and squeaky)  
(Four) Yellow was a girl. I thought he was a boy, and I liked him, and he was a girl. I shouted "dammit, I'm gay now!" to the early morning cafeteria.  
(Five) I've probably dorked out about this to all of you already, but I'm bouncing off the walls and squealing about Heart Gold and Soul Silver.

And, just to finish on an oh so positive song, this was friggin' _hard_. There's no real melody, so I had to count syllables. -cries- I hate counting!


	93. Slow Down

-sigh- _YES _everyone, I fell in love with _Yellow_. I didn't pick up on any hints that he was a she, and I thought it was a really nice guy who was very young and would be a great guy when he got _older_. But _no_, Yellow's a girl and I'm made of fail. :_(  
Ah, well, I love her anyway!

**Idea from: ** Cami Carr

Dawn: "I found Barry!"  
My knee-jerk reaction: "Damn."

Slow Down

"Ash, my good man! I've journeyed far and wide to find a boy like you. You slip through too many fingers, my boy, far too many fingers," declared Natty, her now shoulder length bob-like brown hair bouncing as she jogged up to him and looped her arm through his. "Listen, good sir. I know you're out with thine fair maiden, but I'd much appreciate it if you could leave her, just for a moment, and gallivant with me into the wood thither."

He raised an eyebrow at her, tugging his arm away. "You know, you might have better luck finding friends if you didn't talk so weird."

"Internet friends count as long as they don't rape you. The point _is, _Ash, you're jealous because you can't talk like I do, can't even understand what I'm saying when I speak so cleverly, and you fill yourself with so much rage you can't _stand _when I open my mouth. All you can do is come up with cruel retorts. It's a pity, but it's how the world works. Now, can we please ditch the blue haired broad so I can give you the deets?"

"You're _white_, you know."

She scowled. "I'm Latina."

"_White _Latina. And you're _rich _too."

"First of all, it's racist to assume that the color of my skin prevents me from speaking however I damn well please. Secondly, I'm not rich, I'm middle classed. Though, considering the actual statistics of the world, as long as I have heat I might as well be Donald friggin' Trump. Ha!" She laughed a bit, then sobered dramatically. "It's not funny. People in the world are starving, Ash, don't make jokes about impoverished third world countries."

He grinned, putting his hands in his pockets and looking lovingly back at Dawn and the large house. It was a pretty house, the traditional medium sized, white picket fence, every house is the same in suburbia type of place. He liked that. It would be a good place to raise a kid…good place to get married, and it wasn't too long into his musings that they managed to come wandering out of his mouth, "You know, I just can't wait for the wedding so we can move into this big house together. I'd love to start a family at twenty five."

"We'll ignore how drastically out of character I believe that to be," Natty began, "and focus on more pressing matters. It could be all in my head, things usually are, but it seems you're moving a little fast. I mean fast for normal people too, not people like me who have an irrational fear of the intimacy she craves and finds the concept of marriage to have come to be a warped and meaningless thing, rendering the ceremony pointless and much better left out of the law and simply into the honor system. I mean, when did you two start dating?"

"Last week," Ash sighed dreamily. "But we've loved each other for nine years, seven of which we were separated for but blissfully reunited last week."

The girl pulled a face, a combination of disgust, shock, and fear one usually reserves only for men who should not be wearing Speedos deciding that they should become Speedo clad in public. "So you basically haven't known each other for seven years, dated for a week, and have now decided to spend the rest of your lives together."

"Yeah. It was love at first sight."

"Oh, so you mean you fell in love with one another based only on appearances, as this is the only way you can fall in love at first sight unless, perhaps, said person was saving you from a burning building, murderers, protecting the innocent or saving a cat from a tree, and even then it's only one sided, correct?"

"What's a cat?"

Natty slung her arms around his shoulders. "Quite frankly, Ash, I'm the only one you can listen too when it comes to relationships. You know why? Because everybody loves you but me, romantically I mean. Misty, May, Anabel, Brock and Gary are gay only for you and your pokémon have decided to screw all laws of nature and egg groups for your lovely manly parts. Don't get me wrong, as one of my childhood heroes I can't help but love you a little bit, not to mention you're damn sexy on deviantart, but at the end of the day you're not what'll make my bed rock, because you're not a real person, though, I do admit, a nice boy like you would be a lovely catch in my world, at least for me."

Ash stiffened. "What do they do to me in deviantart?"

"Uke, Pikachu costumes and bondage, Ash, but you're missing the essentials! You're moving too fast with Dawn and need to rein it back. Date, learn about one another, see what you each want out of a romantic relationship instead of a friendship. For goodness sakes, figure out how to give and take in make out sessions, how far is too far, how rough is too rough if it's smut! Don't you see what I'm trying to tell you? Don't be another corporate divorce in a time where people have forgotten that a ring is only metal, a contract is only paper and it's heart and actions and honest to goodness promises and commitment, religion and race aside, should be keeping people together. Do you understand?"

"So… do you think we should wait another week?"

Natty rubbed her temples, glared at her feet and muttered the obscure youtube reference: "Yes, Gohan, I'm a green fucking dinosaur."

There was an awkward pause, and Ash continued the reference with: "Can…can I ride you?"

(**PAGEBREAK)**

Moral of the Story: We do not go from dating to marriage in a week. We do not go from tearing out one another's throats to romantic relationship in a week (_ahem, fellow pokeshippers, I'm glaring at you through the screen_). We do not go from acquaintances to best friends in…oh, dammit Pokémon, why do you plot hole yourself? Anyway, previous sentence aside, relationships need time and tending to develop. If I'm reading a _romance_, that's what I'm looking for: character development and relationship development. I blame fanfiction for this. There needs to be a category for smut and fluff, because, let me tell you, those two are generally not _romance_.

I'm going to do a brief rant now.  
[/rant]  
So, I've been getting into the manga a bit more and I've been reading it and guess what? I like RedxMisty, dammit. I do. Granted, I also like other shippings with Red, but thanks to my pokeshipping already biased mind and that fact that I just enjoy the rich-girl-poor-boy kind of scenario they're in (honestly, there's endless fun to have with that) I like it. It's called swimshipping. I did a google search for swimshipping. Guess what I got? Three. One a shipping list, two from a really bad fiction writer. RedxMisty: 214, mostly one deviantart community. Granted, I'm sure there's other more popular names and I'll probably be able to find something, but still.  
Now, I'm a little bit nervous to write a fanfiction. It's not because I'm afraid I'll get no reviews, I don't mind that, but I'm afraid of the two types of reviews. The first is my lesser fear, which is the generic "WTF, just bcuz u liek pokeshipping does not mean u can bring that crap into the manga", and I don't mind that, I can ignore that. The thing I'm really afraid of is the, "Great pokeshipping. Ash and Misty rock in the manga 2. Keep writing." Because they aren't Ash and Misty. They're different. They have different personalities. It's harder to write for me.  
[/rant]

Gees, I should make a blog no one will read. Ah, well, to lighten the mood, go to youtube and look up The Twilight Musical by GliffProductions. It's hilarious, the songs are catchy, and, quite frankly, I'm hoping it's a bit like "The Ring" and, if I pass it on, I can get the songs out of my head. XD

And the reason you're getting all this junk? A) I'm bored B) Apparently, the last couple of chapters (except, er, the last one) haven't inspired reviews so...something to talk about! And feel free to ask me questions, anything, as long as it's not my address or real name. -sigh- I'm really, really bored.


	94. Misty

I'm going to do characters for the last few chapters!

So, these are just a couple of things I see commonly in fanfiction but doesn't make sense for the characters.

**THANK YOU! **My reviewers have gotten me to over a thousand reviews, probably one of the most reviewed fanfics in the pokemon category. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!

Misty

She stood on top of the diving board, glaring down at the water, deep breaths sliding like molasses in and out of her lungs. The air in the gym was a bit chilly, as it always was, considering the icy water below. Well, perhaps icy was a bit unfair, but it certainly wasn't warm, and it definitely made the air much colder than it had to be. The goose bumps that broke out on her skin made her one piece feel much too tight, and she liked to think that it was the cramped bathing suit that made it so hard to breathe. She didn't want to think it was a few bitter memories, or tears that bit at her eyes from the fight she had just had with her sister.

Her head turned, hearing the quiet sound of heels on concrete, and saw her pink haired sister staring up at her, a cute winter outfit and a coat folded over her crossed arms. Lily smiled up at her, best she could, and called up: "It's almost colder in here, huh?"

"Sure," Misty said curtly, turning back to the water. "Listen, you don't want to get wet and I'm about to start training. You might want to go out with your friends. Don't worry, I won't be an _annoying little tagalong who's all clingy because her friend ditched her_. I'll be a _real gym leader_."

"I wanted to say I was sorry."

"Go ahead and say it then."

She sighed, staring at her feet. "Misty, I'm sorry. I know you're a still a little sore about having to come back. We all know that you loved travelling and-"

"I know, Lily," she said, her voice softer. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just…consider yourself forgiven, alright? Head out with your friends. I'll be fine."

"Right. Well…I love you."

"Thanks," she said with a little laugh, and dived into the pool.

Minimoral: Misty doesn't say I love you back. I mean…she doesn't. She's heard it quite a few times in the shows (from sisters and the like) and she hasn't ever said it back. It's usually a calm sorta "I know" response or awkward blushing silence. She screams her love of water pokémon and French things to the heavens, but when it comes to an actual, dedicated, "I love you" to friends or family? Nope. And she's even only talked about people actually being her friends…what, three or four times.  
…Except for that radically OOC moment in Advanced. What the heck? Randomly opening up to a kid she's known for a _day_? Wow. That's…that's not Misty at all.

**

* * *

**

May smiled shyly, coming up to tap the redhead on the shoulder. She spun too quickly, and May jumped back a bit, still terrified that she was too forward, and stumbled out a nervous: "Um, uh, I don't know if you're into this but there's a dance tonight. You have to…uh, you'd have to dress up and there's probably going to be slow dancing, but you don't have to take a date or anything. There'll be snacks and…and you're probably not interested. Sorry for asking I-"

"What? No! I'd love to go!" Misty giggled. "It'll be fun, we can get our hair and makeup and everything done together, dress shopping too. Seriously, I'm into that. I love doing that, I mean, when it's for something and I'm in the mood and…yeah, I'm into that."

May let out her breath, laughing as well. "Wow, that's great. Ash said you were a tomboy and I know you don't do contests and all that, so I figured you probably weren't going to want to do this. I didn't want to leave you out though, because I really think it'll be a great time! I mean, I was also worried…" She blushed and looked down at the floor. "Well, I thought you wouldn't like me very much, since we're not a lot alike. We can't talk too much about pokémon either, and I heard you could be pretty mean."

"Nah, you're fun! We'll find something to talk about."

"The way Ash was talking, I thought you were the type to beat people up all the time."

A blush rose in her cheeks and she rubbed the back of her neck. "Yeah, funny thing about that…just stay cheery, May. As long as you're nice I promise I won't bite."

Minimoral: Misty's been distracted by girly things plenty of times. She's been shown to hate it and like it, so I guess it's just her mood. Also, Misty generally doesn't start out evil. She starts happy and sunny and you make a misstep and then she starts the ass kicking, unless you start out on the wrong foot.

**

* * *

**

Misty couldn't help but smile at the large vase of flowers sitting on the table, flowers with hot colors, red, orange yellow, the green stems providing a wonderful contrast to them. She walked over and candled one of the bright things, bringing them to her nose and inhaling the sweet scent. Real, fresh flowers, sweet and almost making her dizzy. Each petal was soft and crisp, no day old flowers for the Snesational Sisters, she guessed. There was only one question.

"Hey, Days, who did the flowers come for?" she turned to face the blonde. "This admirer's loaded."

"Surprise, surprise," she retorted, "it's for you. The card's buried in there, if you want it."

"From the League, I bet. '_Here are some flowers to soften your loss: we are closing the gym'_. Gees, that's the last thing I need." She peeked through them, managing to find the tiny card in the bush and pulling it out with a shake, the thing wet from the water feeding the plants. "_Dear Misty, some beautiful flowers for a beautiful gir_-"

She stopped with a blush, dropping the card and wringing her hands together nervously. A loud laugh fought its way out of her throat, and her voice shook as she spoke, "What a creeper. At least it's only one."

"One of many," Daisy giggled. "Looks like you're finally turning into a woman. You, like, better get used to all the love letters like we are."

"Oh, shut up."

Minimoral: Misty gets nervous every time a boy shows interest in her. She's afraid of romance like I fear commitment, at least, as far as I can see. There's one thing to day dream and another to actually experience it. Like I enjoy daydreaming about being a witch and going to Hogwarts, going on an adventure, meeting a magical creature, but if any of those things ever happened I'd probably run and hide like the brave girl I am. It's the same thing with Misty. She daydreams, but tends to freeze up and back out of the real thing.

**

* * *

**

Brock, May, Dawn are going to be next (feel free to throw in situations where their characters are terribly abused), but I need another three. I have something special for 100, but I need three more characters. I won't do Ash, because he already had one (Ash's Song). So, three more and suggestions on how characters have been marred. Have at it, loyal reviewers!


	95. May

May

Another precious minute ticked by, and she was still standing there. Her hands were clenched into fists at her sides, eyes closed tight as if that would stop the flowing tears. She could hardly stand up straight, body shaking as it did, heart aching as it did, and the world spinning so quickly under her feet. But se stood and the minutes ticked and the tears fell and she had never, never felt so hopelessly alone as she did right now. Damn her friends for being boys, and damn all this for happening in the girls locker room, where they couldn't come help her.

The girls had been vicious. Their lips, covered in make up for the contest they ad just finished, twisted into smiles and sneers. They thought it was rather shocking that such a plain girl had managed to win the contest. Her outfit was so strange, but definitely erotic. She must have been trying to score points by whoring herself to the judges, right? And her boobs had to be fake. What was she, a C-cup? At twelve? Sure, sure, they believed that as much as they believed that ribbon in her bag was rightfully hers.

"It _is _mine," she whispered, glancing at the thing pinned to her outfit. "It's _my _ribbon. I earned this. I didn't cheat and I didn't lie and I didn't steal. I _earned _this."

She wiped at her eyes and brushed back her hair at the quiet knock on the door and the nonchalant call from Drew, "Still trying to figure out how you won, May? Nobody has any idea, so don't bother wondering about it. Just wait until I actually need to win a ribbon, and you'll see how a _real _coordinator performs."

"Yeah _right_!" she shouted back.

"At least you're a better loser than those girls. They've been muttering about you ever since you won. Maybe it's because you've had some practice losing."

At the thought of the cackling beauties outside, her chest tightened. She hugged herself, breathing slowly, calming as best she could. Not embarrassment, this time, but anger ran through her veins. She was sick of being teased because she was too good, too bad, too pretty, too ugly, too _anything_. She was _proud _of who she was. Scenes like the locker room should be played out on dramas, not in her life, not with her as the butt of the joke.

So she made the promise, "Never again," and walked out the door, ribbon clutched in hand.

Minimoral: May _has _strength but she was never given a chance to use it. Unlike Misty, who was often given the chance to punch someone in the face, May was tricked and prodded into her failures, and the big, strong men around her always had to be the ones to pick up the pieces. When she is faced with a situation like this, when she first starts travelling on her own (or, you know, while she's stalking Drew across Johto like a major creeper) she's going to break down. However, she's proven herself to be made of stronger stuff than that. Once she learns, she'll stand up for herself in the most non-confrontational way she can.  
And, I don't know if I'll get flamed for this, but I have to admit my proudest moment for May was when she ditched Ash because he was no longer a good mentor and screwed her over for the final competition. Hell. Yes. Like Misty ditched her sisters, Gary dropped out of training, and Ash sticks up to Team Rocket weekly. Hell yes, May, hell yes.

**

* * *

**

"If it isn't the big breasted wonder, winning yet _another _contest," the black haired girl sneered. "Who'd you sleep with this time?"

"I didn't sleep with anyone," May denied calmly, scrubbing the makeup off her face. "I won it fair and square. If you can't put up with that, and you're going to be a sore loser, that's your problem, not mine. I worked hard for these ribbons. If you spent more time coming up with routines instead of insults you'd probably win a few too."

"Oh, grew a backbone, did you?"

"No. I've always had one." She turned off the faucet and wiped her face with a towel, grinning at the other girl all the while. "I just figured out how to use it."

Minimoral: May isn't going to punch someone in the face. She's not. She's never been confrontational. She doesn't start fights, and she generally tries to end them quick and get the hell out of there. She'll stand up for herself calmly, respectably, and then leave. This, of course, is after the character development last time and she stops having people save her every two seconds and, you know, figures out that dear Harley isn't exactly a trustworthy guy.

**

* * *

**

"No, Max, that's _ridiculous_. Clark Kent wears glasses and superman doesn't."

Minimoral: Alright, now May isn't the dullest blade in the drawer, but she isn't the sharpest. Although she could probably learn quite easily, like Ash, she's not good at seeing through tricks. This means things like interpretation, riddles, lies are all lost on her. She'd see the poem and get the literal meaning rather than the world meaning behind it. She would read Harry Potter and see a story about witches and wizards with a movie coming out on July 15 that I get to see the midnight showing of, and not see the underlying love and friendship themes.

**

* * *

**

"I did love him," she murmured, as her brother sat beside her. "I mean, I really did. I know it's a little weird to you, since we're siblings and…and it's probably as hard for you to imagine me with someone like it is for me to think about…to think about you with someone, but I really did love him, and it really did hurt when he left. I know he had to go, and I had to let him go. I was really good, Max. I didn't beg, I didn't plead, and…I didn't do anything I knew would make it harder to go. We're both travelers. There was no chance for us. I did everything I…"

She broke down then, and Max put an arm around her, hoping to show some comfort. "I cried in front of him. I tried really hard not to, but that must have made it so much harder for him! I can't believe I cried in front of him. He must feel so bad down! What if he keeps holding on and he can't let go? Oh, Mew, Max, I can't believe what I did!"

"You didn't do anything wrong," he insisted. "And…and even if you think you did, or he thinks you did, he'll forgive you, because he loved you too."

Nice a gesture as it was, it didn't stop the tears, not until night had turned to day. But the all nighter was worth it, he thought, if he got to see his sister smile again.

Minimoral: In a breakup, May isn't going to be crying over why he left her, but would probably be more concerned about the other party. She'd probably cry, and feel guilty about that crying, but she'll get over it. That's the most important thing. May's got a backbone. Her entire life will not center on one person, and she's been taken advantage of so many times I can't imagine that she could be scarred anymore. She'll hurt a bit, but stop making her this sniveling, pathetic, always needs to be saved princess. Let May kick ass, I'm sure she can.

**

* * *

**

Well, you have two more chapters after this to vote. You all get three votes _per chapter_, and you can use them however you want (such as: two votes for Gary, one for Max, or all three votes for Team Rocket). No more suggestions, just the ones listed here.

**Gary: IV  
Team Rocket: III  
Drew: II  
Paul: II  
Max: II  
Tracey: II  
Professor Oak: I  
Delia: I  
Richie: I  
Team Rocket: (Butch & Cassidy): I**

And, unfortunately, someone suggested Anabel but I can't use her. As I've said before, I don't believe she actually has a personality. Asking me to writer about her is basically like asking me to write about the personality of psychic powers, because that's really all she was. I'd like to give her a character, and would really like to have fun with that in Dear Diary so…if any of you would like to read that and I'm not on your alert list, let me know and I'll PM you when I (if I) come out with it. Sorry again, but I can't do it.


	96. Character: Dawn

Thanks to those who sent suggestions on Dawn's personality!

Dawn

Quite frankly, Brock had no idea what to say. Here she was, at least eight years younger than him, a ten year old with hardly any breasts or figure to speak of, in a string bikini and flirting no less. Granted, the whole point on the show was lost on Ash, who was staring very hard at Dawn, like he was trying to figure out what it was that made the genders differ, but Brock knew. He was officially farther with a ten year old then he had been with any other girl in his life. It was ridiculous.

"Dawn," he said finally. "I think I understand what you're doing, but don't you think that ten is a little…young for all this?"

"You for all what?"

Ah. So she didn't know. He wasn't sure if that made things easier or harder, but he continued, "Dawn, I think you probably need to put on a bathing suit that covers more. It's not advised that a girl your age wears such…small clothes."

Ash burst out laughing at that point, retorting, "Wow, Brock, don't you usually ask girls to keep their clothes off once you manage to-"

"Dawn, the point it you shouldn't wear clothes like that at your age., There's a lot of guys that would take advantage of that, a lot of sick guys who like girls that…that are a lot younger than the should be to have…to do adult things. And when you dress that way-"

"It makes me feel like I have to call up Misty, because she's the biggest pedo magnet anywhere in the show."

"Ash!"

"Oh, come on! I can name three guys off the top of my head who were in their twenties or their thirties and hitting on her. Set her up next to Dawn and Dawn'll be fine. Besides, it seems like she's pretty good with using her body to-"

"Ash! What are you saying? She's-"

"I don't get what the big deal is," Dawn said with a shrug. "I was raised with my parents telling me that the only thing I need to worry about with my body is to keep it healthy. I don't mind if people look. I take it as a compliment. In fact, I kinda like showing it off. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a contest or something, with everyone looking at me. I just think of it as a really good appeal!"

"Dawn, you don't get it. They're looking at you because you're-"

"Pretty? Sexy?"

"Yes, sexy, but I don't think you understand. Sexy doesn't mean pretty, it means-"

"They want to have sex with me, I know, Brock, I get it. You don't need to worry about me. I know all about how the world works." She sighed. "But if you really want, I could just wear a normal bikini."

"Could you?" he laughed nervously. "That's help."

Minimoral: Dawn isn't shy, but she isn't slutty. Misty used her mind, May used a combination of luck and practice, and Dawn uses her brain and body. She knows how to get what she wants and she's not afraid to use every trick she has to get it. That's why I like her as much as I do.

**

* * *

**

"Ugh, I hate that," Dawn muttered, putting on mascara. "They keep coming after you, May? Mew, that's terrible. I don't know why they wouldn't just get the message. You're obviously miles ahead of them and their jealous. That's what they do when they get jealous. They get all catty. My mom always used to tell me to turn my other cheek hard enough that my hair would hit them in their face. I don't know how you can't just be happy for someone else when they win. Why wouldn't you just try harder next time? Mew."

"Well, that's just the way some girls are. You get used to it after a while. I don't even bother replying to them anymore, and most of them just get glared at the rest of the time. You know, it's funny, other people will even yell at them for me. Who would of thought all it took was a few contests?"

"A few contests?" Dawn gasped, turning to her. "You're practically _famous _with all the competitions you've been winning! I can't imagine how people could still make fun of you after all that."

She laughed. "It's funny. I thought you were…well, you know, there's a lot of venomous rumors going around about you too. You know, saying that you're a whore and-"

"I sleep with the judges and I'm a bitch. The bitch one is famous. I don't think I'm that bad."

"It probably came from you screaming at, uh, what's his name? Paul. That's the one."

"Oh, that? He's an ass. You'd yell at him too."

Minimoral: She's not a bitch. She fights back when she gets mad, but she doesn't go out of her way to attack someone.

**

* * *

**

I know that was only two, but it was still eight hundred words and that's really not that bad, all things considered. The only two things I really see is shy, bitch and slut. That's all I can really find of her, and I think it's because people honestly don't know what to make of her. They saw the short skirts and outfit changes and immediately decided she was a whore. Everyone, including those who write her as "shy" because they're trying to "fix" her. And the bitch, well, as we know, all whores are bitches. They're practically synonymous! Just look in the dictionary! –eye roll-

Last vote! Have fun!

**Gary: 22  
Drew: 10  
Max: 11  
Paul: 6  
Team Rocket: 13  
Tracey: 2  
Professor Oak: 1  
Delia: 2  
Richie: 1  
Team Rocket: (Butch & Cassidy): 4**

-cracks up- Golly gee, people, stopping voting for Richie and Professor Oak! I know they're popular characters but we need to give the others a chance!  
…And, just out of curiosity…how many of you are voting for Team Rocket to find out my position of James's sexuality?


	97. Brock

Brock

"Listen, May, I'd _love _to kiss you," said Ash, sighing. "But…there's no way we'll get away with it. I mean, I know the door is locked and I know there shouldn't be anyone around for miles and I know we're on our own private island through some unexplainable plot, but I can't do it. I really, really want to kiss you. You have no idea how much I'd like to make out with you. I just…I can't do it. I don't want someone to burst in on us and break it up. It's happened so many times. I just can't stand the cold showers anymore. I can't…I can't think of dancing with Gary while I'm in the cold shower. I can't stand it anymore."

She giggled and cuddled closer. "Ash, there's _no possible _way anything can happen. Just close your eyes and lean forward and you can forget about whatever's freaking you out. I love you and you love me and everyone knows, they've always known, so there's no way that…oh, Ketchum, can't you just kiss me already? Kiss me like no one ever has!"

"Gees, why don't you start it?"

"Because girls _can't _start kisses. That's the boy's job."

So, reluctantly (but holding the slightest bit of hope in his hear) Ash leaned forward. Closer…he could see her eyes close…Closer…he shut his own…Closer…he could feel her breath on his face…closer…closer and…Brock burst in! With a big tray of cookies, a big smile, twirling across the floor with a ballerina like grace. Ash immediately focused on the cookies, as cookies always came before any kind of sexual attraction, and Brock seemed rather unaware of the moment he had ruined.

And May plotted her revenge.

Moral of the Story: Brock's a cockblocker. Seriously. I don't think there's any couple he _hasn't _broken up _at least _once. Heck, he even blocks himself every time he interacts with a girl! There's your biggest problem with any couple. Brock. Perhaps he wishes no one to be happy, and therefore goes after them to make their chances of love as dim and slim as his.

**

* * *

**

"_Say you love me every waking moment! Turn my head with talk of summertime!_" Brock sang proudly beneath a girl's window.

The girl doesn't have a name. Actually, she doesn't have hair or a face or really a form. You just sort of know it's there, and you know it's female, and we're assuming that it is or was human because Brock is insanely attracted to it. Then again, they could simply have wound up in the same egg group. Like wailmer and skitty. You know, that must be really bad sex, if the skitty's the male. If it's the female, let's face it, that thing probably explo-the point remains that Brock's serenading a formless female. And that formless female has a voice.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"_Say you need me with you now and always! Promise me that all you say is true! That's all I ask of you!_"

"Bittersweet Romanticide doesn't own _Phantom of the Opera _and you are singing the woman's part, you dolt."

"Will you marry me, my angel? My beauty? My precious gift from the heavens above?"

"I don't know who the hell you are! No, I won't marry you! That's creepy! If you don't stay away from me I'm going to get a restraining order! Then I'm going to get my daddy and he's going to shoot you because you're a creepy stalker guy! Gawd, I can name so many fictional characters off the top of my head that this would be so awesome and romantic with if it was anybody but you! If I knew you this would be okay but what the hell!"

Moral of the Story: Brock isn't a failure with girls. The problem is he goes from meeting to loving instantly (often skipping the meeting) with no time for the girl to adjust. He's romantic. He's sweet. He's perfect on paper. He needs someone to tell him how to take it slow. He needs to listen to that person taking him slow. And then he needs to find a girl who likes a really romantic, sweet, caring guy. He needs to be taught. Until then, he sucks because he's too romantic. As far as I can tell (from the English dub, of course) he's not a pervert.

**

* * *

**

_Once upon a midnight fright'ning, trainers huddled far from lightning…_

"Brock?" Misty's voice called nervously. "Hey…Hey, Brock? You're not…are you sleeping?"

"I was."

"Oh. Sorry. We'll go back to bed."

"Well, I'm already awake. And what do you mean _we_?" He sat up quick and stared at the girl peaking around his door. "There's no...Weren't _you _the one who asked for separate rooms, since you're a teenager now and teenage girls _can't _be in the same room as teenage boys, because _apparently _we're going to try to rape you or something. So we _had _to get separate rooms and if _you _got your own room then _Ash _has to have his own room. And then we have to watch horror movies because you're such…aw, gees. Don't tell me-"

"It was a really scary movie," she said weakly, and he could practically _hear _the blush in her voice. "But Ash is here too! He's scared too, Brock! It's not just me! He got scared before I did and he knocked on my door!"

"But she was awake all night! She screamed really loud when I knocked on the door so she was obviously-"

He sighed loudly, cutting them both off. "Do either of your rooms have bunk beds?"

Ash raised a sheepish hand. "Mine are like the ones we usually get. There's two sets of bunks."

"Okay. Okay. Everyone to Ash's room. Misty, we'll all stop at your room to pick up your stuff, since I'm guessing you don't want to go alone. We're moving tomorrow, no matter how tired you are, guys. We're not losing a day. It's your fault for watching that movie and you have to take the consequences. Sound good?"

"Yes, Brock."

Moral of the Story: This is my personal favorite. Mama Brock. From the first episode we saw him he's always been that good ol' motherly type. He really cares for them, and whether he's five years older or just a couple of months he's really like a parent to these kids. Not to say that couldn't change or be the very basis for a romantic relationship, as any shipping is valid, but this is most definitely how he acts towards them. He's good ol' Mama Brock.  
I really, really love Mama Brock.

**

* * *

**

**Gary: 27  
Drew: 24  
Max: 14  
Paul: 10  
Team Rocket: 25  
Tracey: 2  
Professor Oak: 2  
Delia: 2  
Richie: 3  
Team Rocket: (Butch & Cassidy): 7**

Heh…see, Natty isn't…isn't, you know, perfect. Sometimes Natty makes mistakes. Sometimes Natty forgets how to count to 100. So, I'll take the top four people (odds say Gary, Drew, Team Rocket and Max) and there will be two people in each chapter. Sound good? Great. Sorry. I can't count.


	98. Team Rocket and Gary

Gary & Team Rocket

"I love crossdressing!" James squealed, clapping his hands together with girlish glee. "It's one of my favorite pastimes! I'm good at it too! No one ever knows that I'm a boy. One time I even managed it in a bikini! I had inflatable boobs. I looked just like a girl! You should have seen it! It was fantastic! All the boys were checking me out, you know, just sizing me up. I loved the attention. I wonder how far they would have gone with me!"

"And…sports?"

"I love those too! Boxing is definitely my favorite, but football's a close second."

"And what kind of shoes am I wearing?"

"Last year's prada."

"…Alright then."

Minimoral: Now I'm going to make this very clear: Short of someone telling you, there is absolutely _no way _of knowing someone's sexual preference for sure. Some cultures or families raise their children differently, so common assumptions of feminine and masculine are blurred. Your sexual preference has to do with the amount of testosterone and estrogen you have in your body. Plenty of gay men act "straight" and plenty of straight men act "gay". There's no way to know. I think James is gay, but that's just me. There's no way to know (though, going by the probable creator's intent and the voice actors, he's probably gay).

**

* * *

**

Jessie looked in the mirror.

She had long red hair that curved back perfectly, staying up in the beautiful do she had worked to perfect for years. Her eyes were gorgeous, light but deep. Looking closely, she could see little flecks on many colors – some blue, brown, gold and green. They did not swirl, they did not blend, each stuck out brightly, giving them the depth that some girls worked for _years _to give the illusion of. Hers were naturally perfect. Her skin was smooth and unblemished, and even color without a single freckle. Her lips were full and deep red (she bit them every so often to keep them that way), her nose thin and angled nicely.

And what was beyond it all? What was past the skin? Perhaps she had quite the temper, a temper she often didn't need, getting mad over something completely ridiculous (like the fact that James had blinked too quickly this morning) or simply being angrier than she needed to be. What else? She didn't have much respect for anyone older or younger or prettier or uglier…well, not unless they could give her something in return. She was extremely concerned with only her outward appearance and her brain had suffered the slightest for it. She wasn't responsible. She wasn't strong. In the end, was she really nothing but a pretty face? Because she _was _an awfully pretty face.

Jessie looked in the mirror…  
…And she liked what she saw.

Minimoral: I'm really sick of seeing Jessie being portrayed as this super deep character who collapses when she thinks she's just a pretty face. Granted, there's obviously more to her, but she's _obsessed _with her looks, and she loves herself more than anything else in the world. These things are probably passing thoughts in her mind, but I doubt she dwells on them. She comforts herself in how pretty she is. Stop making her hate herself.

**

* * *

**

Ash really wanted to walk by…he really did. He wanted to keep going, not even look at the pokémon he knew so well, but he was so damned curious. His conscious mind was willing his feet to move forward, screaming at them too, but whatever part that was currently in control wouldn't let him. He had to know what Meowth was doing. He _had _to. Damn the fact that it would scar him for life! It'd be better for him to be scarred than to wonder until the day he died.

"Meowth, I…_what _are you doing?"

"I'm hidin', you stupid twerp, whaddya thing I'm doin'?" Meowth said, his voice muffled as his paws were gracefully covering his catty face.

"And what are you hiding from?"

Meowth sighed, and spoke in clear English: "Well, young lad, if you must know I was merely taking myself out of the picture. This is the only way for Jessie and James to continue their love, if I simply don't exist anymore. So, I am hiding until they confess their everlasting love and then I am going to go off and find someone to love."

"As long as this doesn't involve my Pikachu, I don't think I care." Ash looked up to the sky, thinking very hard, then nodded. "Yeah, I honestly don't care about anything else unless Pikachu's involved. So, whenever you're done being weird, tell me so I can be on guard with my little friend."

"Sounds good, young lad."

"Could you stop talking like that?"

"Like dat? Sure, no problem."

Minimoral: Meowth exists, just like Pikachu. In fact, Meowth is probably even more prevalent in Jessie and James's lives than Pikachu is in the twerp trio's. Regardless of whether or not rocketshipping is true, you need to come up with a damn good reason to get them alone. This I don't accept, because, unless you give a really good reason, Meowth would _always _be there. They don't split up. Ever. 'Member Meowth.

**

* * *

**

Gary rubbed his hands together with an evil cackle. "Oh, Ash, for years I've lingered in your shadow, but now, thanks to my dastardly plot, I'll take my revenge! First, I'll capture your lover, Brock, and leave him tied up in a cave that will slowly filled with water. Then, I will put a camera in that cave, and a monitor in a room. Then, I will tie you to a chair in that room, and I will force you to watch your lover die! That will prove that I'm the greatest pokémon master ever!"

"Okay, canon aside, how's that going to prove you're a great pokémon master?" Ash asked.

Gary then slapped him very, very hard and very, very dramatically. "Shut up. My plan cannot fail, not ever! It is perfect and it will hurt you very much! Are you ready to face this ultimate pain I'm going to inflict on you? It's going to happen next Monday at three in the afternoon. Are you ready? Because I am. I've been ready since you were born. It took me twenty three years to plot this!"

"We're both twenty two."

Once again, Gary slapped him very, very hard and very, very dramatically. "Shut up! The point is that my plan is perfect!"

"Except, you know, you've kind of told me everything so I know what to do to stop you. You even gave me the date." Once _again_, Gary slapped him very, very hard and very, very dramatically, but this time Ash screamed, "What the hell? I'm not the freaking Rose Bride! Stop slapping me!"

Minimoral: Gary and Ash just have this mutual rivalry. They don't want to sabotage, they just want to be better. Gary wouldn't do the most common and more subtle than this (an action commonly known as "cheating") because that would cheapen it. He wants to be better than Ash, not just win the title. And Gary wouldn't go to these lengths because…well, quite frankly, I honestly don't think he cares that much.

**

* * *

**

You get twenty awesome points if you know where the Rose Bride reference comes from.

So, yes, Gary and Team Rocket were the top two. The next two is going to be Max and Drew.


	99. Max and Drew

Max & Drew

"So, Max, I've heard you're quite the know-it-all," Misty said with a smile.

He blushed and ducked his head down to the table. "I bet May told you that, didn't she? She's always telling people stuff that isn't true. I'm not a know-it-all, but I'm just average."

"I tend to be a know-it-all too. It's probably for the same reasons as you. My sisters were always complimented on their looks, which I'd like to say. It's because they're older but…well, it's obvious that I'm not the prettiest. They could swim stronger, longer, faster, hold their breath longer and battle better. Until I got older, of course, but when I was little and…well, you probably get what I got, right? The 'oh, well, at least you got the brains', right? They're pretty but at least you're smart! You can't feel smart though, because they're farther in school so they know more, and it doesn't mean a thing that you test better."

Max stared at her in obvious awe, his jaw dropping nearly to the floor. "That's it exactly...Oh, wow! How'd you…well, I know why but…no one is ever known that so perfectly! People usually just laugh and tell me how much worse it'd be if I was a middle child!"

"Yup," Misty laughed. "But, you know, if you really want to prove them wrong you have to battle hard, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And you can't let your brain go to waste." She tapped his forehead. "Which means you have to study as hard as you battle, If not harder, and always have a backup plan."

"Oh," Max said, blushing very hard.

"And if you're going to show off what you know, for my sake at least have an idea of what you're talking about."

Minimoral: Max is a major know-it-all, it'd be ridiculous to try and deny it, but he also had no idea what he's talking about. He's got the potential to be pretty bright, but at this moment he doesn't know a damn thing. And what could you expect? For goodness's sake, he can't be older than nine.  
And these two make a damn cute couple, don't they? Don't try to deny it; we all know it's true.

**

* * *

**

May was fuming, and she was doing a gosh darn good job of it. Her eyes were blazing, her hair seeming to twist and jump like Medusa's, and from her throat there came a screech that could easily be compared to legendary screams from a handheld pokémon game. "And I _will _do well in that stupid contest and _you'll _be the one who loses and cries because _you _have no idea what _I'm _capable of You're only good because…because of all your stupid advantages!"

Drew, who was feeling a little nervous that he might have finally broken his favorite toy May, managed to sound cool and confident as he replied, "What advantages did I have that you _didn't_, Norman's daughter?"

"Well you had….you were…" Her mouth opened, but no words or sound came for quite some time.

"See? Nothing."

"You're rich! That's your advantage! You're so rich it's disgusting Why don't you give it to the poor?"

"Rich?" he snorted. "I come from a small town way out in Hoenn's countryside. There were days when we had to forage for food. Have you ever had to forage for food, May? Do you know what foraging is like? It's not fun. Things attack you. It's really hard."

May gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth. "Oh, Mew, I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be," he laughed. "I lied. I am rich."

Minimoral: There's been no yay or nay on Drew's social standing, so he could be poorly poor and filthy rich. Heck, he doesn't even have a manga counterpart to be compares to. You know what that means? Whatever you want it to be. You can't criticize anyone on his past unless he's OOC.  
Now…picture Drew foraging.

**

* * *

**

One more chapter!


	100. Things I Cannot Do

100 Things I Cannot Do in Pokémon:

1. Pants Misty, then tell her that's why she should have kept her suspenders.

2. Ask Brock if he's blind, or ask him "How many fingers am I holding up?" to prove it.

3. Pikachu does not like to be poked, especially in its cheeks.

4. "Diglet Den" is not the poké parallel to "Meerkat Manor"

5. I will not chop off Jessie's hair in her sleep, even if it _does _grow back instantly.

6. Spraying Misty in the face with a water gun is not anger management.

7. Calling Ash "Ashley" loses its charm fairly quickly.

8. Dressing up as an articuno and challenging James the Flaming Moltres to a battle may not be against League rules, but that doesn't make it right.

9. I may not refer to myself as "The Icy Goddess Articuno"

10. I may not refer to the actual articuno as the "Icy Bitch Articuno".

11. When Ash talks about becoming a Pokémon Master, I'm not supposed to ask him, "What exactly does that job, position, or title entail?" just to watch him freak out.

12. If Max says he has no pokémon, the appropriate answer is not "Then I challenge you to the pokémon battle!"

13. We do not ask how a skitty and a wailord can breed, no matter how funny it is.

14. My superpower is not jumping through plotholes.

15. My superpower is not pointing out plotholes.

16. My superpower is not discovering horcruxes, because that is the "wrong fandom"

17. A price scanner is not the same thing as a pokedex.

18. Submitting data of MissingNo to Professor Oak is not valid.

19. Even if it fits, I cannot plug a gameshark into my pokedex.

20. Ask Brock if he sold his soul to Satan to resurrect his mother.

21. Ask Brock if he plans to do the same for Ash's vanished father.

22. Ask Misty if she was a mistake.

23. Ask Ash if he was a mistake.

24. Tell Max he was _definitely _a mistake.

25. Sing-a-longs are not a fun way to pass travel time with the pokémon crew.

26. The Pocket Monsters crew is cool with it, as long as you sing in Japanese.

27. Ash, Misty, and Brock do not speak Japanese.

28. Satoshi, Kasumi, and Takeshi do not speak English.

29. There is no excuse for pushing Ash off a cliff, even though everyone knows he can't really die.

30. Tell Max he's the Scrappy Doo of Pokémon.

31. …kill Ash Ketchum. I will not kill Ash Ketchum. I will not…

32. Tell Dawn her hair looks fine, except for that _one _she really ought to fix and watch her go haywire.

33. Ask Ash if he's a poke, ability, advance, pearl or pallet shipper.

34. Tell the boys Daisy's upstairs in nothing but a red ribbon.

35. Ask Gary: "What the hell kind of line is 'friends to the end'?" No matter how valid a question it is.

36. Refer to Max as Mini-Brock

37. Bitch slap May when she listens to Harley.

38. Scream "The voice is back!" when the narrator speaks.

39. Introduce the group to Robin, Harry Potter, Zuko and Saskue for angst lessons.

40. Stock up on ultra balls and catch a Legendary.

41. Consistently ask Kurt: "Have you opened the GS ball yet, have you?"

42. Ask Drew if he dyes his hair.

43. Prompt him to dye his hair so he looks "normal".

44. Scatter anger management pamphlets throughout the Cerulean Gym.

45. Slip _Playboys_ into Brock's bag.

46. Ask James if he's ever looked up Jessie's skirt while blasting off.

47. Ask James if there's a specific reason why he hasn't.

48. Beg Team Rocket to let me join their motto.

49. When Pikachu comes in all flushed and nervous ask, "What's that, Lassie? Timmy's stuck in a well?"

50. Give Misty black and green streaks, realistic looking Henna tattoos, change all her clothes to black, and inform her that, since Ash ditched her, she must now fulfill the role of "Angst Character Number One"

51. Poke Drew, Gary, or Paul.

52. Especially not Paul.

53. Kick Ash in the groin (thus invoking the wrath of the Legendaries because he's supposed to make Chosen One babies and the like).

54. Without Ash knowing, steal a pokeball from him, then attempt to battle him with his own pokémon.

55. Ask Misty, May and Dawn if they have Tramp Stamps or Hoe Tags.

56. Teach Misty, May and Dawn the meaning of Tramp Stamp and Hoe Tag.

57. Introduce the gang to the only other mouse more corporate than Pikachu: Mickey Mouse.

58. Ask characters: Boxers or Briefs?

59. Ask female characters: Thongs, or the four thousand other kinds of female underwear there are?

60. Call May "May-bee", Drew "Drew-bee"

61. Sing "Diglett dig, diglett dig, trio, trio, trio" over and over and over again.

62. Challenge Dawn's cheerleading skills by screaming, "Dance off!" during Ash's gym battle (mostly because I can't dance).

63. Ask Dawn if she's ever seen _Tang_ in her life.

64. Scream at her for being the very model of rich, corporate money whores because she has no idea what _Tang _is.

65. Introduce Ash to the phrase "Bitch, please!"

66. Join Team Rocket (for the black uniform)

67. Hit a pokémon (they hit back)

68. Give Ash a card that says "To keep an idiot entertained, flip this card over" on both sides.

69. Replace water with liquor.

70. Tell Ash he never would have made it anywhere if Gary hadn't dropped out.

71. Introduce Misty to Katara and have them compete for the title of "Water Master". Since Katara is fulfilling the role of a pokémon, she has to take the attacks. Only fair.

72. Introduce Ash to Jeri from the third season of Digimon, scary puppet and all, to prove that he has the ability to make friends with anyone.

73. Ask Nurse Joy where the real doctor is.

74. If injured, kill Chansey for being cheerful whilst I'm in pain.

75. Blast humidity at Dawn during the day and giggle when her hair frizzes.

76. Ask Misty what happened to her parents.

77. Set up the "Klodike Bar" challenge.

78. Bring in characters from other shows, thus breaking the innocence of the characters and plunging them into a realistic world where it's discovered that pokémon battling is a hideous thing and hormones run rampant.

79. Breed selectively to require shinies.

80. Search for what's in hamburgers.

81. Ask Officer Jenny where the real cop is.

82. Set up long, elaborate pranks to trick Professor Oak into believing he's going senile.

83. Attempt to find undeniable proof of eldershipping.

84. Attempt to figure out what the hell Mrs. Ketchum does all day if she doesn't clean and appears to always be home.

85. Use the unedited, uncut Japanese version of pokémon to prove eldershipping…and many other shippings that were all, ahem, consummated.

86. Take on the Elite Four.

87. Become the world's best eevee breeder. Even if I'm really, really good at it.

88. Try and discover if pokémon breed as we know it (thanks to that whole skitty/wailord debacle) or do some kind of strange ritual where an egg beams down from the heavens.

89. Figure out why nobody actually knows how pokémon eggs get there, because, apparently, no one has ever seen a pokémon lay an egg or breed.

90. Hold a sex ed class.

91. Hold a home economics class (complete with child)

92. Attempt to dominate the world using legal skill and propaganda the likes of which the pokémon world has ever seen, especially since all it takes it a fake mustache and a wig to trick people.

93. Inform Harley his cookies suck.

94. Drive Anabel crazy, considering she's probably only a hop, skip and a jump away, just like most psychics.

95. On his eleventh birthday, send Ash a letter from Hogwarts thus giving him dreams.

96. The day after Ash's eleventh birthday, tell Ash Hogwarts isn't real, thus crushing his dreams.

97. Decide that the show should be more like the manga and include loads more blood, then create scenarios in which this would happen.

98. Bring in Brendan for love triangle lulz.

99. Write a Mary Sue.

And one hundred: Rape the Canon.

* * *

Moral of the Story: List fics aren't allowed. ;)

So, as for closing comments, I just wanted to say that canon is subjective. Maybe you're going by the Japanese version, or the American version, or you're partial to the manga. Maybe you've been watching the show from the beginning, maybe you started somewhere in the middle. Maybe your canon doesn't include anything past Misty leaving, or even past the first season, or perhaps you like to pretend the beginning of the show never happened. The point is, it's subjective, in the end. Subjective doesn't mean you can do whatever you want, but it means as long as you have _proof _of whatever personality trait you're trying to pull off, you'll be _fine_. Take advice, always be open to new ideas, and remember that one well rounded critique is worth four hundred and ninety two "OMG, totally awesome"s.

Hugs and love,  
Natty


End file.
